Self-Forgiveness

Hi Greg, i hear you i had a disaster  of a weekend of it and genuinely cant understand how i got here.  Finding it very hard also to forgive myself for the losses ,people say with the money part think of it as being robbed and make peace with the fact its gone. 

Hi Greg. I was feeling exactly the same way as you. At the height of my gambling I'd lost my house my wife and my kids, don't know how I managed to hang on to my job. For me gambling started out as a way of dealing with my grief and it soon spiralled out of control. There are so many people on here who will offer you support and advise on the way forward for you. Its really really hard and for me every day is a battle. Take one day at a time mate and I promise you it's worth it. 

Rich 

@richcoventry Thank you, Rich.  The lingering impact shows up every day, too.  Every time I make a purchase, check my bank account or even when I’m with my children it is almost all I can think about.  

@mast2021 

Thank you.  I found out that there was a mental health issue behind all of my behavior.  I just wish I could turn back the clock.

Hi Greg, I feel the same as you. I’m in the same situation I was 8 years ago. The whole time I was free of all this, I slowly learned to forgive myself every day as I turned things around and made life better. 
In a weird way, to me it’s like bereavement where only time can heal. The self anger and guilt never really went, but it did gradually fade to a point it was something that I didn’t completely hate myself for every day.

I’m now back to square one and it’s black. As you’ve pretty much said, I feel like there is only myself to blame, I had a choice. I wake up and it’s an instant feeling of doom, dread and self hatred. I’m yet to lose my husband, but that’s only a matter of time until he finds out. I often think of how much more my children could have had if I was a better person and it hurts. 

Hopefully you will find a better place mentally with time as I once did. It can only happen if you stay strong though and battle each day one at a time.

@gdiddycourogen I was the same...its different for everyone and everyone's reasons for gambling are different. For me I have rediscovered my love of music and that's helping me through day by day. I'm currently 23 days gamble free and don't get me wrong every day I want to gamble every day is hard. I promise you will get there. 

Hello GREG and Welcome.

A recovery is about finding enough peace of mind and understanding to heal your mind.

Let me put it this way. You are an ill person trying to get better and not a bad person trying to be good.

I didn't gamble with an evil laugh thinking this will hurt my family. I gambled because I was an addict for a drug addiction with a head full of delusion and illness to justify my fix. If anything my illness was convincing me it was a chance to get something back and escape anxiety and depression.

Footballers and others have thrown away millions. You are not alone and it affects people from all walks of life. It's not essentially a greed or stupidity issue. Gambling twists the good qualities of a person and alters minds. Its highly addictive and you were never protected from it. Most gamblers don't even know how addicted they are until the recovery becomes essential

Self forgiveness must come during a proper recovery. However I'm saying that in a humble way and you have paid a large price in terms of your self respect and family. Working through the stages of cold turkey and recovery, I would hope that your family would gain some understanding of the illness.

I can never bowl in and say I'm fine now. I respect and fear the power of addiction and its given me the humility to face it and learn.

The recovery works both ways though and would involve telling them what you are doing to heal. Openness and honesty are theraputic. I still report my finances to my parents because its important for my recovery. Its not about being treated as a child......its about a positive control over my feelings and my life

You see there is no point letting this addiction take you out on top of all that has happened. Your family don't want a destroyed husband and father but its about getting the balance of humility and awareness right

You can not be complacent about this addiction for the rest of your life. Your family will come to understand this

I don't know your finances but I'm sure you can help your children in your own way. 

You have a job of recovery to do. Its not too hard when you follow the tried and trusted advice

Best wishes from everyone on the forum

Greg, your story is almost identical to a friend of mine. He is about 8 years gamble free now and coping OK. He really struggled for a while, but got back to something like his old self. 

I am fortunate enough to have kept my family intact, but the guilt carries on in any case - what could have been if I hadn't gambled so much away over the years etc. You just learn to live with it and try as be as kind as possible to yourself. Time does heal, but not always as quickly as we would like.

@detrimental I appreciate you. One person said to just think of it as being robbed…because it is…and accept that the money you have spent is gone.  I am so disappointed in the government for legalizing the machines in my state.  If they were only legalized in Las Vegas I wouldn’t be here right now.  The fact that O could destroy myself in private was one of the biggest draws for me.  I remember at one point stuffing $20 in the machine just hoping they would go away (imagine hoping $20 would go away!) so the torture would be over.  So appreciate that I truly hate gambling now.  Those were the lowest lows I have ever experienced in my life….and I NEVER want to feel them again! I feel so fortunate to feel that way and will ALWAYS be on guard.  I was at a friend’s house the other day and he had a bet going as we watched the game.  The urge was strong, but this time I didn’t justify doing it like he was…. I understand that I am an addict and he may not be.

thanks for your help!

Greg