Angel From Montgomery

Thank you so much Ade! You have no idea how you continue to inspire me. Comfortable enough in your own recovery you can look at me and really see me without fear of turning to stone. You nailed it pal. I have been feeling sooo low. So worthless... I can do this. Joan xxxx

You're d**n right you CAN do it Joan!!

Ade. X

You are not worthless Joan, and you can do this,

Sending you positive and determined thoughts along with a hug ((((((Joan)))))))

Suzanne xxx

Thank you Ade, and Suzanne!

Morning Diary:

The worthlessness mindset is deadly. The fookity "f**k it all" mindset is deadly. In this state of mind I am prime pickings for addiction. I have been in darkness for about 6 months now. I now understand how blindsided I was by my neice's diagnosis back in March. It felt as if I had been shot but, did not fall down. I walked around mortally wounded, bleeding out, and in a semi dream state. I dutifully reported to work every day. Took care of my mom. Got her enrolled in an all inclusive program for elders aging in place. Which by the way was pretty mind numbing experience in itself. Continued caring for my neice. Taking her on two camping trips over the summer. A good friend of mine reminded me recently that being a full time carer for an aging parent is not an easy thing. Especially since the relationship between my mom and me is just now under repair. There are others on here that find themselves in the same boat. Pulled out by the rip tides, drifting in deep waters, taking on even more balast not realizing they are sinking, and not even realizing they might be drowning themselves. I am sure I have mentioned on this diary over the last three years that I tend to implode. I beat myself bloody. Old tapes with voices from out of my past play over and over in my head reminding me of what a peice of sheeeit I am and will always be. Whispering to me softly that suicide is painless. Living is for the winners not losers like you. Gambling?? That's just one layer. I have to be strong to fight off urges to gamble. Gambling is just one more way that I beat myself. When I am beaten to a pulp by my own hand mind you, I am prime pickings for addiction. I don't know where the inner strength comes from. I don't know how or why I wake up from these comas. But, I did it again. I'm awake. Now what? We shall see I guess. We shall see. -joanxxx

Hi joan. I just felt compelled to write to say I found your post in incredibly moving. It also made me think about my self. Everything this forum should be about. Louis x

A very personal post Joan, but very powerful and strong.

Thank you for sharing this, and I am pleased you are feeling awake again, and not just going through the motions of a day in a day.

every day, you are stronger than you think, and I say again you can do this.

Suzanne xxx

Thank You Louis, and Suzanne. I appreciate your thoughts and your support very much.

Hi Diary,

Just a quick note. I am very proud of my partner of 16 years. She passed a very challenging licensing exam today. Congratulations to my precious P !! I am reminded of what a good and gifted life I have. One, I should never take for granted. One day at a time.. -joanxxx

Congratulations P and massive congrats to you Sis!!! Look at you and that honest little (can't push it) smile!!! Whooo hooo Hun!!!

Keep moving forwards..life is so much better when we finally open our eyes!

Ps...i missed you on the challenge :-/ anything stopped you from check in (apart from celebrations?)

(((((Joan.......heeeeyyyyyy sister!!!!!)))))

S xxx

Hi Joan

Thanks for the post. I always look out for your diary as i find it a truely open & honest account of the struggle with life, & with more diaries such as yours this place would be a more constructive place to be.

Dan x

Thanks Sandra and Dan.

Morning Diary:

The best time of day to write is right when I get up in the morning. Now that mom is here there is more to do at that time. Do I resent not having that time to myself? Yeah. I guess I do. In the scheme of things it doesnt seem like much but, when the resentments start to pile up I am prime pickings for implosion. When implosion happens I reach for the bottle, the comfort foods, the slot machines. Since letting go of alcohol it seems as if food and gambling are my last bastion. I am my own worst enemy. I attack myself from the inside and then tell myself that binging on food and gambling on slots is in self defense. I must look like a real nut. Punching at nothing but shadows on the walls. How real the shadows seem on certain days. How ridiculous I feel on other days when I discover that binge eating and gambling which for me by the way is making a habit out of losing just makes me feel more beaten up. Body slowed down by fatty liver choking on yet more sugar and fat and mind slowed down by obsessive thoughts about what I could have done with the money I wasted. Spirit broken because I let myself down again. Harboring resentments have always lead to self destruction. I think to myself. I must make time for myself. Then I realize all of that time sat in front of a slot machine was time I had for myself. Lol! Anyway, no gambling since the last stint. Just gotta keep going. -joanxx

Morning Diary:

Got up today feeling pretty good. Then some dark thoughts rolled in. Something someone said to me at work yesterday. I felt my mood begin to change. I started to feel crappy and bad about myself. I went over and stood on the scale and saw that I had put on a few pounds. When I don't gamble l eat. I heard my own inner voice starting to call me names. I felt myself starting to lose control. I wanted to cry. So, put on some sweats, a tee shirt, and some sneakers and went out for a vigorous walk instead. I came back feeling pretty d**n good and back in control. It's P's birthday weekend and I am happy to say that gambling was not invited to the party. It's Mr. Gamble's turn to cry. -joanxxx

Too d**n right Sis! Mr G can do one and leave us alone cause we have our own lives to lead right ☺
Belated happy bday to P, hope you will have great time!

As of the "comments" at work. Nice & easy - f**k THEM! I've been told that ppl like that has issues themselves and just tries to be mean so they don't hurt. I was bullied at school some decades ago, and always thought it was my fault 🙁
Saying that, i recently watched a program on TV about death row...and one prisoner summed it up very clear - "Hurt hurt". Ppl hurting hurt others, and that doesn't have to be physical pain...emotional one is enough.

I'm outta track here huh lol..

You have a good weekend girl and as always don't b shy to drop by the challenge or my email "chat room " ☺

Proud of you!!

S x

Lovely post Joan,

Have a lovely birthday weekend with P

Suzanne xxx

Hi Diary,

Still plugging along. Keeping very busy. I had money to give to P to buy whatever she wanted. I have money to buy a special dinner out tonight and a dessert of P's choice. I had money to send the laundry out so that we didnt have to do it this weekend. I have money to buy chicken dinner for all tomorrow for P's birthday picnic by the lake with our little neices and plenty left for groceries and gas for the upcoming week. All because we worked hard and chose not flush it all down a toilet cleverly disguised as a slot machine. Taking it one minute at a time. Breathing, and choosing to live a life without gambling in it. -joanxxx

Nice post Joan... glad to read that your in a positive place.or atleast you were on the 19/09/2015 😉

Somebody once wrote about having drop boxes outside gambling establishments, for busy compulsive gamblers. Drop boxes with very large mouths, so that not only could they take cash and cards, but also houeshold goods and cars.

Like you say, deep breaths and choosing to live life without gambling in it.

Regards... S.A 🙂