Angel From Montgomery

Thanks so much Rach. You are absolutely right. I need to create a space for myself. funny thing, I sent P an email earlier and that is exactly what I said. I told her that I was really missing alone time. ((((((R)))))))

Dear Diary,

Have been spending alot of time with you today. Feeling much more grounded. All of the family drama aside.. It is still up to me whether or not I choose to take the bait. My answer is NO. Nothing gets solved by running to a bar, or a casino. The problem you were running from will be there with a bright red bow on it when you get back -- only you will need to face it with a hangover, or flat broke -- feeling like a ravaged failure filled with dread and guilt. Um, er, no thanks. Little grey, misty, and slight chill in the air this evening. Looking forward to a nice warm supper -- roast beef, with mashed potato and gravy --my favorite. 🙂 -joan

Hey Joan,

This is why I post on my diary every day because posts like your last one remind me exactly the reasons why I will not gamble today so thank you my friend.

Dinner sounds yummy...Enjoy !

Blondie xx

(((((Rach and Blondie)))))

G'Morning Diary,

Serenity Now.. sigh.. I am trying to find a space in this house where I can just sit and think.. lol.. I'm sitting at my desk and where is mom.. over my blessed shoulder!! My favorite time of the day is morning. My brain functions best in the morning. I am thinking about setting up a tent in the back yard. LOL.. Anyway, I am in a good place today. I am thinking about Castle's recent post about slipping vs. relapse. In AA we always said "progress not perfection" and I am a firm believer in that. "all or nothing thinking" was considered flawed. I believe the catch phrase for "all or nothing" thinking was "stinking thinking". lol. I believe that too. For me, it is difficult to count days. It's like counting calories. It makes sense and his helpful for many but, for me, not the best tool. I become obsessive about quantity and for me, the quality gets lost. So, for me it is always Day One because today is the only day that counts. The past is in the past and the future is time that does not belong to me. Now, if I live this day like tomorrow will never come then I will be setting myself up for failure. If I completely discount the past I learn nothing and am destined to repeat the same mistakes over and over again and we all know what that means. We have all heard the phrase "Stop the Insanity!" So, I try to learn from the past and move on. I consider what a quality day would be and for me, a good day can never include drinking alcohol and gambling in any way b/c I cannot stop. I joined this forum in July of this year because I had a desire to stop gambling. I came to realize that my life with gambling in it had become completely unmanageable. That has not changed. I slipped a couple of weeks ago when I allowed myself to become overwhelmed and wound up imploding. I really appreciated Castle's post today b/c I have been worried about my slip and have been feeling guilty ever since. I needed the affirmation that I was on the right path and that my slip did not mean complete failure -- on the contrary. This forum is a godsend and I say it all the time -- the healing power is magical. To anyone reading my diary this morning. Make the choice to live a quality day. For compulsive gamblers/gambling addicts a good day cannot include gambling. Have a Good day! 🙂 -joanxx

Yo, twinny 🙂

Little chuckle at the tent comment . I try to get up an hour before the rest . Sit in the kitchen and gather my thoughts ........ Not quite a tent , but the need to be alone and start my day in silence with my own thoughts is almost a primal need for me .

I suppose we find coping mechanisms , so hopefully before to long , you will be able to formulate plan , put up a shed in the back garden lol , to get some time alone ......

Anyways maybe you can encourage mumto have an afternoon siestas , ......

You take care Hun , and yep you hit the nail on the head and very eloquently may I add .

Today is all that matters ,and as you may or may not of noticed I tooooooo do not count .

Our samenesses ( is that a word) are becoming a bit spooky lol

Shiny xxxxx

Hi Joan

Thanks for the mention in ur last post and glad I could help in a way , av to agree with u though this forum is amazing and we all help each other

I also like ur theory bout every day been day 1 and in some respects its true we are only as good as our last day what ever our addiction is I honestly see no difference with someone goin a year without a slip to someone who has had one or two , as long as we are goin in the right direction and we learn from our mistakes , ultimately we are addicts with an addiction that lies inside us ready and waiting to pounce , at the end of the day we are only human and there will be days in our lives that will test us to our limits and that day might come expected and we are not prepared for it , as long as we learn from it and it's a one off then we can still stride forward in our quest and possibly stronger for it

Take care and stay strong together we will move forward to go on to lead better lives

Castle2

hiya Joan...

....reading your post made me think how much I take my personal space for granted ...and how I have always done geograhicals when I was younger to get that space and am only learning to detach whilst still in the prescence of others relatively late in life...and it aint easy.

I love the slogan ...progress not perfection .....

A guy in AA used to always open his shares by saying "Today I have been granted a daily reprieve"..he has been sober for 20 years!..and it reminded me of your day 1.

Even though im on a different path Joan,my recovery does not follow a linear line..I used to measure anger free days when i started this second diary but like you I realised I had to look at it over a longer timeline..of my whole future in fact.

Ive had rageaholic slips but no where near what they used to be. (weekly)....so my friend ...we are all heading in the right direction...and being granted a daily reprieve as we wake up and start our day and turn over our life and will to the care of our HP as we understand it.

hugs

R and D xxx

Hi Joan,

I really like reading ur diary. U write straight from the heart. U r doing brilliant Joan and thank u sooooo much 4 ur support and kind words on my diary. It means alot 🙂

Stay strong xxxxxxxxx

Hi Diary,

I just got home from a very long day at work. Just want to go face down -- really--long shi tty day and I am just mentally exhausted. I know that gambling is pure sh it and I know that it will only make me angry and hateful. I hate that I am feeling so weak. Will do my best to push thru these urges. It does not help that my partner is wobbling too. !!@#! This disease sucks and I suck for being so weak!! -joan

Hi Diary,

Rant over. Still struggling with urges tonight. Thought about erasing this post but, why? Feeling guilty about having bad thoughts? Maybe. When I first started this diary Blondie wrote and said to write whatever; the good the bad and the ugly. So, tonight it is all about the bad and the ugly....

hey joan

just sending hugs (((((J)))))

You go to any lengths to recover Joan and its great that you use your diary to get it all out.

just woken up ..coudnt sleep...its 3.30am here..lol xx

R and D xx

hi joan

carl

Thanks Rach and Carl. I appreciate the support most when I am not at my best. Thanks again really!

G'mornin Diary

This is trully the land of ups and downs. I am currently a bit down and I need to acknowledge that fact before I can move on. I had a very frustrating day at work yesterday and then came home to mama drama.. 🙂 I'm not perfect. I cannot always find serenity in the moment. I appreciate being able to go to my diary to vent. I sometimes feel intimidated b/c I am aware that others may be reading and I do not want to pull anyone down. Well, at the end of the day; this is my personal journey. I got through Thursday without gambling. For me that is only half of the way. Sitting in a corner stewing in my own juices with my hood pulled over my head is not gambling but, I might as well have been. I'm not happy about letting stress get the best of me. Today, the sun is shining and the leaves are turning. My partner and I will get out and maybe get some lunch and sit by the lake. No matter what life lofts at me, having someone to share the ups and downs with is what I am grateful for. To anyone reading my diary, have a wonderful day. Whether you are currently up or down it is your birthright to be valued. Dry your tears, chins up, face in the light -- and one more thing. Here's a hug. -joan

Hey Joan

I can only speak for myself here hun and I say this to reassure you...but there is absolutely nothing you could say on your diary that would pull me down.

Yes ..I may feel frustrated ,sad or whatever for YOU but it would not pull me down...

You just say what you like as far as im concerned Joan..in fact..to be truthful I sometimes feel better when I see people ventiing on their diary cos selfishly I think..."Thank god it's not just me struggling."..they are human and it gives me the confidence to peel a few more layers off.

I love your honesty and you know how we feel about Stepfords?? lol....and plus if those real feelings come out ..good, bad and ugly then it makes room for the good stuff to come in...nature hates a vacuum.

As they say in meetings over here...take what you like and leave the rest.

I know that equally its not good festering on resentments but I find once I type the sludge out it sort of clears things ...those thoughts dont go away completely but the get shrunk right back down....maybe thats also why they say 'the pen is mightier than the sword?"

Thinking of you Joan...I rambled on there....Was going to delete and make it look prettier and less but just figured id leave it as it came out ... (that'll be the codep perfectionist in me ; ) ))

(((((hugs))))))

Keep sharing your thoughts Joan...always reading even if i don't always respond.

R and D xx

(((((((( Rach))))))))) Thank-you my friend!

Hi Diary,

Sticking close by you today my friend. Day is slowing improving. I took a much needed nap. I think on top of everything else I was a bit overtired. My hope is that surgery this coming December will fix this rotten fatigue. I try to do more than my body can handle and my whole system gets a bit run down. That doesnt leave me with alot of patience left over for anyone else around here. Anyway -- no urges to gamble today. Never did get to the lake but, was nice to spend a lazy morning here just dozing off in front of the tube. Gonna brew up a nice cup of joe and sit out back with my pal. It's nice to have nuthin ta do as we used to say when we were kids. Nuthin ta do but, sit back and enjoy the crisp fall air and the beeeeautiiiiiful fall colors. Wait a minute, I feel a.... YEEEEEEHAAA comin on. That always makes me feel better. To anyone still checking in have a great weekend. joanxx

Joan

Keep making the right choice for you and yours and those days to enjoy your own company doing nuthin will keep coming!!!

Well done you

Duncs stepping forward never back

Good Morning Joan,

Sitting back relaxing watching the fall change colours , wow what a picture!

Joan , i can see even when times get tough you are now starting to get back up quicker than before and that's so good to see 🙂

Hope the surgery in dec sorts the problem and you will race ahead at full speed to just enjoying being Joan!

Keep Strong

Lucy xx