Angel From Montgomery

Hi Joan,

Heres hoping your energy levels return very soon after your surgery.xx

Also doing nothing now..out on my sun lounger,cup a joe also,soaking up the last of the years rays ...under a blanket!!.

Dots says wuffs

R and D xx

Hi Joan,

I hope u r ok, it sounds like u had a nice relaxing day yesterday... U deserve it 🙂

U r doing gr8, I am proud of u 🙂

Take care xxxx

Thanks to all who popped in over the weekend...

I managed to get through Thursday thru Sunday without an urge or a "tap". Canadian Thanksgiving on Saturday was a blast. Kids everywhere -- cake dropped onto the floor. Burnt gravy. Pure chaos! Like a real family Thanksgiving. lol. I mean it. I get tired of the politeness and political correctness. With family and friends all bets are off -- just pure in your face reality. I find that level of intimacy comforting. These people like me are not perfect. Just everyday folks trying to make their way. I love being around the children b/c for them everything seems so new. I really needed Saturday --it was roasted chicken and stuffing for the soul! Sunday, was another lazy day. Today, is a holiday, and it's nice to have P home. We will probably just end up doing laundry and other odd chores around the house but, it's just nice to have her home on a week day. Mom is here, sitting just off to my left side -- I guess I am getting used to her being there. She's getting very forgetful and this makes her very anxious. She just wants to sit in my shadow. It makes her feel safe. I can do that for her. Look, I'm not a saint or a martyr or anything like that... It just breaks my heart to see her so confused and frightened. Anyway, I am thinking about the word resilience today. Life will throw us curves, might break us, or knock us down but, it is how we come back that counts. " As long as I know how to love I know I'm still alive, and I'll survive, I will survive, hey hey" I never get tired of that song! lol. To anyone reading my diary live this day deliberately. Savor each and every moment of it gamble free. -joanxx

hi

carl

hey Joan...

am still reading ...just sending you a (((hug)))

R and D xx

Yo ,

So pleased you had a great weekend .

And an extra day off today , can not be bad .

Hope you do not sit on your laurels drinking joe looking over lake , in the peace and quiet . Sosssssss forgot when did you say I could come and stay .lol

Savour today , how true my friend , tell you what I will do my best to that today if you do ......

Hugs

Shiny xxxxxx

Hiya thanks for your lovely post on my diary. Just read your last post and what a positive post it was. Glad you had such a great weekend and your enjoying your gamble free life.

G'morning Diary,

I guess I have been reading more than writing over the last couple of days. I'm a little sad at the moment. October used to be one of my favorite months. I guess it still is. I'm like a kid when it comes to Halloween. On October 18th last year we lost our little ruthie. She was a beautiful little boston terrier and a true friend. We took her to the vet on the evening of October the 18th b/c we thought she might have choked on a treat. It turned out she had a golf ball sized tumor in her throat. The vet said that she would not have made it through the night. We had to say goodbye and go home without her. We had her with us for 10 years -- she was so special. She made many human and animal friends while she was here -- I just miss her so much. I know to some she was just a little dog but, to us she was like a child. I'm sad b/c I miss ruthie but also b/c P is going away on business the week of the 18th. I think it will be good for her to get away but, selfishly, I want her near. It feels good to get these feelings out on cyber paper. It felt like a huge golfball sized tumor in my throat. I guess I didnt realize how sad I have been. I try to mask it with alot of other sh it. Not all that bad, to feel sad. No gambling urges. I'm not worried about gambling while P is away b/c I hate to drive and the casinos we used to go to are very far away. I have blocks up for all on-line casinos. I dont want to gamble. I just want to feel happy about the fall and excited about Halloween and I am angry at myself for dragging. Many folks on here are doing very very well. I wanted to mention that b/c this site is like a warm snuggly blanket for me sometimes. It does not matter whether folks are doing well or struggling -- the point is, we are all in it together. Folks on here understand and that's what matters. I firmly believe that we are all gonna get there one way or another. One day at a time. Savor each precious moment. Life is short and for the most part very very sweet. Don't miss a thing! Dont allow yourself to get side tracked or distracted by bull shi t like gambling. I won't. 🙂 -joan

Joan.

Just a quick line to remind you my dear friend that recovery is yours,something bespoke to fit your needs,we were all selfish enough whilst at it, lets harness that to our own gains to help ourselves, ultimatley it will also be a great help to others.

Keep reading/posting doing what helps you,after all you are a truly special person, your warmth resonates through your diary.

Just for today lets make the right choice once again for us.

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Hi Joan,

Ur last post made me feel really sad, I understand how u r feeling!

When I lived at home we had a golden retriever we had him from a puppy, he was 10 yrs old when we had 2 have him put down last yr. He was just sick 1 day and we took him 2 the vet and there was nothing they could do it was all so quick!

That was 1 of the worst days of my life, dogs r soooo loyal and they become part of the family!

So I just wanted 2 say I am thinking of u 🙂

Take care xxxxxxxxxxxxx

HI Joan,

I just wanted to say that I to understand and relate so much to your post, When my dad died suddenly last year a few days later my mum fell and broke her ankle in 3 places the night she did it they kept her in and I went back to there house to check on there dog who was 10 years old he had fell down the stairs and was just lay there, the following day the day before my dads funeral I had to take him to the the vets to be put to sleep.

I never really grieved him because i had lost my dad but we took some comfort from the fact he had a great life and was so loved, they are like part of the family and the whole that is left is just as big as if it was a human.

Its normal to feel sad and grieve what was so damaging to me was hyding it or pretending everything was ok .

GA say.. You have to give it away to get it back.

Sending some hugs your way.

Blondie xxx

Thanks Duncs, Charlotte and Blondie for your warm words of support. I really appreciate it.

G'morning Diary,

I started this journey on July 23rd. When I think about it that was not very long ago in the scheme of things. In that short time I have done alot of cleaning house. It's funny how the physical world and the spiritual world can sometimes mirror one another. We gutted, cleaned up, scaped, sanded, painted, and built a new room -a space for my mother to live out her old age. In a way, I had to make a new room for her in my heart as well. The road has not always been a smooth one. Carl refers to this road as a roller coaster ride and I have found that to be true. I like roller coasters sometimes. 😀 I can relate to Shiny's recent post about feelings. I tend to stuff my feelings too. I think it takes alot of courage and fortitude to go deeper into our hearts, and souls to uncover why we might turn to alcohol, food, and gambling. I think of the phrase " fearless moral inventory". Rachel in her posts often refers to this process as the peeling back of layers like the layers of an onion. The point being to finally get to the truth about ourselves so that we can finally be free to be the people we were meant to be. I feel good today. Still a little sad but, I'm fine. No urges to gamble. I have no intention to gamble. I have a busy day ahead of me. I just wanted to close out my note today by saying how proud and grateful I am to have the opportunity to share this journey with folks like, Blondie, Cameron, Charlotte, Duncs, Lucy, Rach, Sue,and Shiny. You have all helped me more than you will ever know. To anyone reading my diary.. If it sounds like I am doing a commerical for GC, I guess in a way I am. Mostly, I just wanted to take the time to thank all of those who have supported me. Read and write on your diary as often as you can. It is a magical tool, and in my humble opinion an essential tool for recovery. I cannot forget my friend Castle who is a steadfast supporter of the recovery diaries 🙂 Thanks Castle. Have a great day and don't even think about it.. gambling is history. - joan

hi Joan

That post was fantastic and a real testament to how far you have come and how much you have and are still putting into your recovery journey...

The highs,the lows,the ups and downs and all parts of your life that you are navigating from that middle lane..

Keep on putting those building blocks into your yellow brick road Joan.....then no matter what twisters come along you will be safe and be able to weather any storm....

(((hugs)))

Dorothy and Toto. xx

Thanks (((((((Rach)))))))

G'morning Diary,

Just plugging along here. It has been a long work week. On my way in in an about an hour or so.. Not much to say this morning except that I am keeping busy. Grief is what it is and like I said before some folks can appreciate the pain associated with the loss of a pet and some cannot but, for me grief is grief and the only way through it is through it. I have been reading alot of diaries.. not writing as much. It's important to me to keep it real. So, when I am feeling better I will get back to posting regular. Anyway, it sounds like folks are really working hard and finding out what drives some of these urges of ours. For me it is usually idleness or escapism. If I get a little depressed, I am less active and bam. If I try to run away from strong emotions like anger, or sadness bam. What I know to be true based on experience is that drinking and gambling for me because I CANNOT STOP only makes me angrier and sadder.. more depressed than when I started. So, I pretty much have my work cut out for me. Now, do I wallow in grief? No. I said before that I love this season and love Halloween. Tomorrow P and I will get out to do a little leaf peeping along the Mohawk Trail and stop off to sample some seasonal fair such as apple cider donuts and barb b que pulled pork sandwiches. We will purchase a couple of pumpkins as well. I carve them every year and put them out on the porch for the kids when they come. I thought about hiding myself away and putting Halloween up on the shelf for this year but, I think a better way to honor the life of my little friend lost would be to live my life to the fullest. She knew we loved Halloween b/c we used to dress the poor thing up every year! LOL. I wish I knew how to post pictures b/c the one of her as a witch is priceless. LOL. She looks so aggrevated! Anyway, to anyone reading my diary today.. take it from someone who knows.. gambling is not the answer it only adds to the problem and either creates a new misery or adds on to the old. Gambling? Fuhgetaboutit! -joan xx

G'morning Diary,

I gambled last night. I spent and lost 100 bucks. I don't know what's wrong with me... I'm weak I guess. Anyway, I feel like a leper at the moment so, only want to post this truth for myself. I am planning on speaking with P about self excluding from this place we found out of state. I no longer have access to online casinos and I have not spent one penny since July 23rd.

That's all I have for now. -joan