Angel From Montgomery

Hi Diary,

I crossed off another gamble free day on my calendar. Not going to write too much today. I want to stay focused. I think I overdo the inventory sometimes. I try too hard. I stir up too many memories, emotions, and then don't know what to do with it all. It's okay to have some sh i t. everybody does. It makes us interesting. However, if our sh i t has us it makes us vulnerable. I told myself I was gonna slow this process down and that's just what I am going to do. One day at a time. -joanxx

Hi Joan,

Thank u 4 ur lovely post on my diary. It means alot 🙂

I am sooooo happy u r still posting, I would have missed u 🙂

U r doing brilliant 🙂

Have a gr8 nite xxxxxxxx

hey Joan..

I know you get it ..you can see me react react react..cos thats all i know...never having that solid place inside ..trying to close that gaping hole over.....I am like a wild animal trying to survive..always on guard but exhausted.. trying to balance on shifting plates.

Your doing great Joan and so so happy you are still here...

Thinking of an image today ..those wolves in the arctic..alone in the remoteness running on snow....45 years in the Wilderness.long dark night of the soul..but can see the sun rising...xxx

Hi Diary,

Just a quick one today to note that I checked off another gamble free day on my calendar. That would make a womping 5 days, I believe, since my last stint. On my way into work where my little windowless training room awaits me. I have all of these fantastic images of the icy tundra whirling about in my head. Alas, the reality is a misty gray, straight shot up Route 9. lol.. Well, here goes... -joanxx

Hi Joan,

First and foremost a big well done for coming straight back after your wee slip, shows great character and i know how you felt cause i was there too not too long ago

5 days in and Joan it really will get easier each and every day you don't go there!

I'm not counting days after my slip , it works for me but i do have a friend that reminds me how long it is so maybe i would if i did'nt have reminders.

Keep Strong Joan, you can do this , i believe in you 🙂

Smiling Lucy xxxxx

hi

Carl

Thanks Lucy and Carl! Always a nice feeling to find a supportive post or two on my diary.

Hi Diary:

Lucy, I'm gonna take a page out of your book this morning and shout; Hello World!!

I am not in a "good mood" really, still a little numb as I just woke up. I did'nt sleep all that well either as P has been out of town but, some days morning feels like Christmas morning when I was a kid. I feel excited to get started. I feel ALIVE. I earned another chance to get it right. I did cross off another gamble free day on my calendar and I too cannot really afford to count days b/c as I have mentioned before, for me it SLOWS time down, and I become so much more obsessive -- like calorie counting reminds of food which just increases the craving to eat. Crossing off days is in a way counting but not if I do not count the crosses.. lol.. I know that may not make sense to those who embrace the pure rational but, I, like many others seek that balance, that "middle" 😀 ( had to get that in there). So, nothing special planned for today. It is raining cats and dogs out there. Just gonna curl up with a steaming cup of joe and maybe start a new book. No urges to gamble but, must be honest. I have no money b/c I paid all of the bills. When I have nothing it is alot easier to resist. The test will be next weekend -- pay day Friday. BUT, one day at a time right? I have today. A blank sheet of paper to write or draw whatever I want. Today is the only day that counts. I am here and I feel like a winner! Yahoo! -joanxx

Joan.

if Every single compulsive gambler could cut and paste a post like that and keep it locked upstairs,ready for defence on a day when the urge to destruct it all rears it's ugly head then life would simply be a better place!!!!

Keep making the choice my friend,todays a great one.

Duncs stepping forward never back

Thanks Duncs!!

I've been doing some reading not exactly light reading lol.. on the effects of gambling on the brain -- particularly the pleasure center of the brain and a neurotransmitter called Dopamine. Verrrrrrrry Interresting...I too wonder all of the time why I get these fantasies about winning and then the onset of urges... Like I said, verrrrry interrrresting indeed. Will keep reading.. -joan

Good Morrrning Recoverrry Diiiarry!

Crossed off another gamble free day on the calendar. Have been doing some research on the topic of addiction and came away with a better understanding of my own brain chemistry and subsequent compulsivbehavior. I say, WHATEVER it takes.. It made me a little angry to discover that in some ways I might have been preyed upon by the gambling establishment. NO NOT going to go into a "poor me I'm the victim speech." NO, on the contrary. It is just that I feel duped. When I get a kick in the a** I usually get angry and when I can use my anger in a positive way -- in this case, in the service of my recovery, it is good. I am angry at the gambling establishment and at myself today, and it is OK... My partner is back home safe and sound. We are planning on going for a drive today to take in all of the fall colors. It's hard for me to stay angry or sad when surrounded by all of this beauty. To anyone reading my diary -- have a great day and don't gamble. It is the only way you are going to win. Say, if I don't gamble today, I will win. Big Hug -joan

hey Joan..

yeah..its interesting the dopamine connnection...looked at it too recently with regards to shopping...likewise alsosimilar thoughts on it as you have as to how it can be tapped into .

A chap called RCG had a thread running on here uner the last header "research projects" that a few of us added to ....not sure if its still active now as i beeleive he was writing a book or something....may have got that wrong tho so don't quote me...lol xx

hugs and more

R and D xx

hey joan..

just saying hi....xxx

apols for my terrible spelling on my previous post..multi tasking and ipad sometimes has a life of its own ..lol xxxx

Hi Ya Rach! Love hearing from you! (((R)))

Good Morning Diary,

I crossed off another gamble free day on my calendar and signed off on Flagg's challenge. Today, it is the state of my physical health that is on my mind.. I have been moaning about weight alot and I am fully aware that I am the one who needs to do something about it. My weight goes up and down and along with it my blood pressure, and blood glucose levels. I have a primary care doctor who likes to remind me everytime I go in. I know it is her job but, she does it in such a shaming way that I wind up looking for ways to avoid seeing her altogether. Anyway, for me eating takes the edge off of the gambling urges so, I am not suprised about the recent surge in my weight. In December I need to have surgery to remove a tumor(s) on my parathyroid gland(s). I need to be in decent shape -- that is on my mind as well.. it's like one giant visious cycle for me. I stress, I gamble, I don't gamble, I stress, I eat, I gain weight, I stress about the weight gain.. YIKES! I am realizing that for me, it all comes down to stress management. In my case, "stress mis-management." I am a type A personality on top of it so, everything I do must be perfect and everyone and everything around me needs to be equally perfect. If not, I will take over and control the situation. Jeeeezuz.. So, that's the description of the problem. Now, what's the action: No diets. Diets dont work for me. Will make an effort to radically decrease the amount of white sugar,white flour, and white starches from my diet. One piece of toast not two. NO cookies and candies during the week and maybe a treat or two on the weekend. Portion control at all meals but, especially at supper. I tend to go a little overboard at suppertime. Go for a short walk every day. Does not need to be a marathon just make the effort! I need to take at least a couple of hours a day for just me. I need to stop obsessing about work. If things are going rotten I worry, If things are going well I worry that they will turn rotten. I come from such a fear based, shame based, scarcity is king place; And,the queen of all of this is currently LIVING IN MY HOME! lol lol lol... Well, there it is.. that's what's on my mind this morning. No deep thoughts for the day. I needed to get this cr** out of my head so that I can get started. To anyone reading my diary, this HUG is for you. Don't gamble. It's pure sh it. You cannot and will not win because you can not and will not stop. The folks who run these places know that and depend on your hard earned money for thier bread and butter. I say NO! Starve the b*******s! 🙂 -joanxx

hey Joan

Thinking of you and also chuckling as in about 2 weeks Im going back to my surrogate "home " for a few months til i get my house back...lol..back to where the programme of "im bad" got set...will be interesting but at least for me its short term.

Thinking of you hun and also know someone who has had the same health condition, calcium in her blood and in so much pain and tired.

Your bp should come right down after the tumours are removed so you can give that PC doc a 'I told you so" nod..

.

Am also sending you some pumpkins air freight as these will protect your kidneys from stones plus yummy to eat round halloween.

As for keeping stress free?.....just keep posting Joan xx

(((Hugs))))

R and D xx (type A too) xx

Hi Diary,

I crossed off another gamble free day on my calendar. I'm preparing myself for the weekend which also happens to be pay day. The budget is pretty tight with Christmas coming up and we have plans to visit Salem on Saturday. All efforts will be aimed at keeping busy, and combating urges mainly by reminding myself: that winning on the slots is a fantasy; the odds are, and have always been stacked against me because there is no way to predict the occurrence of random rewards. I am like a monkey feverishly anticipating a treat that never comes. I have fooled myself into thinking that I can predict a positive outcome. Gambling is futile, it is supposed to be, and for that reason the only ones who stand to gain are the ones who have figured out a way to exploit "a naturally occuring hiccup in our brains". I vow to make every attempt to fight every urge and to protect every single penny of my hard earned cash. They cannot win if we do not play!! Today, I thank God for my diseased and addled brain. This experience although extremely painful and humiliating at times, has taught me sooo much and has deepened my understanding of myself and the few who would do anything to make a buck. They say KARMA is a bi tch... To anyone reading my diary, just for today, be a winner by saying NO. -joanxx