Angel From Montgomery

Thank You so much Ade!! For letting me be myself and for listening.

Hi diary,

I have alot on my mind this morning... First thing, I know that this is a recovery diary for recovering gambling addicts. I am a gambling addict which means that from time to time I will grapple full on with my addiction which means that yes i might slip and fall. I did that a few days ago prior to going into surgery and although I am not proud I am NOT ashamed either. Life is too short and it is about learning. We seem to learn more from our failures. If you are reading this and you slip. It is okay. Noone on this site will judge you. If they do they are a walking talking mistake just waiting to happen. Some may stop writing to you, but so the f***k what. Read, write, take what you need. You are suffering and came here for help, hope, and support and you deserve all of that!! Do not be ashamed. Guilt and shame just feeds addictive behavior. Dry your eyes. Lift up your chin and stand proud. Count yourself among the recovering cgs. We all f***k up. I guess enough said there.. 😉 I have many shortcomings. I am not a perfect person. It is not always easy for me to reach out, and in the case of the diaries not always easy for me to comment regularly on other people's diaries. I am not someone who embraces small talk. I am honest to a fault. I might be overly intense at times but, first and foremost I am a whole person who happens to be an addict that is trying to stay clean. My brother did not make it. He was found dead in his apartment two weeks before Christmas, and it looks as if he had been there for many days. I am still raw with emotion and wildly in pain, and probably will be for some time. My brother was not a gambling addict but, he abused prescription drugs and was an alcoholic for many years. He was not a perfect person. He hurt many people and managed to alienate his entire family and wound up dying all alone. In the end he was not allowed to see his grandchildren. I stayed in contact with him over the years and he was at times like embracing a cactus tree or a swarm of angry bees. Loving him hurt and there were many times that I vowed to syay away. I never stopped loving him b/c I know first hand what an addiction can do to a person's soul. In my heart I believe that he was clueless about how much his version of love hurt. If he really knew how much he was hurting others he would have been the first on his knees because he had a caring sensitive soul. He wasnt always an addict. He was a beautiful little boy with hopes and dreams. He was wildly creative and got into all kinds of things. I was like his side kick. I looked up to him and he never pushed me away for "being a girl". 🙂 He was an active teenager who got into music and started his own band. By the time he was 20 he played the drums like a professional. He had an outrageous sense of humor. He started drinking heavily at around this same time and went into and out of rehabs throughout his entire adult life. He was married twice and each time his marriges ended in disaster. He had 3 children and I would love to say he was a great dad but, he was not. Not always. Things got a little strained between us when I made the decision to get clean. I joined AA in the early 1990s and by the grace of GOD yes, I said it, had managed to break free from alcohol addiction. I tried to bring him along. I tried everything over the years. Last fall he was admitted to the hospital through the emergency room for an overdose. He almost died that day. I asked him to promise me that he wouldnt mix pills and alcohol ever again. He just could'nt hold on I guess. Anyway, this is one more of many posts that I will be writing about uncomfortable subject matter that some might find too difficult to read or maybe even inapproriate for a gambling forum. Take it or leave it. Today, I am fighting for my life and grieving for the tragic loss of my brother. I am sad and angry and confused and hurt and am screaming into the wind. For Ed --

"Our Father who art in heaven. Hallowed be thy name. Thy kingdom come. Thy will be done. On earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily strength and forgive us our tresspasses as we forgive those who trespass against us --and lead us not into temptation but, deliver us from evil. For Thine is the kingdom the power and the glory for ever and ever amen."

joanxx

Hi Joan

Thoughts are with u , I for one admire ur honesty and relate to so much of everything u say , very similar views regarding slips yes we are not perfect and mistakes will be made , I see every day a fight for my life and all that matters to me is that I keep fighting and don't ever go back

Ur diary is for u and ur recovery write whatever u feel it will always help , I know I av put some real personal stuff on mine and sometimes wondered whether I should but I'm glad I did as I know it helped me

With everything goin in and now and all u av gone through I just think its amazing and a great credit that ur fighting and stayin strong and I don't mean with having a slip I just mean life in general and surviving

I truly can relate to that , lets continue our journey together through the good and the bad , we will still be standing in the end

Take care

Castle2

Joan

Unconditionally my thoughts are with you my dear friend,please take good care of yourself.

duncs stepping forward never back.

Hi Joan,

I am so sorry 2 hear about ur brother, I am thinking of u xx

We r all here if u need us xx

Oh (((((Joan)))000....

I have only just read your posts from the weekend and I am sat here with tears in my eyes and mad as hell as iive been stuck in my own s**t and heres you dealing with this and I didnt even know.....

Just hugs and prayers and sending you all my love and thoughts .....your brother sounded a real character and too right an angel who was loved unnconditionally...

Oh Joan ..I am hoping your mother is coping with this and I am guessing you are having to be so strong right now organising everything and being a rock .....

Take care of you...lean on Patrice..let yourself be looked after and keep posting your memories and love for Ed..

Always here for you unconditionally even wiith my head in my a**....duly shocked back into gratitude...

Hugs and lean on us

Rach and Dotty xxxxx

Sorry 2 hear of your loss Joan

Hi Joan

Thinking of you and sending hugs and kisses to you xox

Keep strong Joan, here if you need us

Lucy xxxxxxxx

Thank you -- all of you for your kind words of support. This is an amazing fellowship and I am very very fortunate to know you all and to call you my friends...

Dear Diary,

I am still raw with emotion but, in consideralbly more control. I have absolutely no thoughts of gambling or drinking or engaging in any form of addictive behaviors. I wish Ed could have found AA or a forum like GC. He always thought he could manage his disease on his own. For anybody out there struggling with the concept of a higher power it can be anything or anyone. God or god as "you" understand he/she/it. We all need someone to hold onto. He always put his faith in other people who he would eventually disappoint or be disappointed by. In the end, he was all alone and desparate. In spite of the fact that he was surrounded by his brothers and sister. He was alone. It didnt have to be that way. I remain sick with grief. So much more to come I am sure.. My mom is doing well all things considered. I see a sense of relief in her eyes. Like the song says ..."it's a cold and it's a broken halleluia".. joanxxx

Oh joan I am so so sorry to read about your brother, I understand what loss feels like . Thinking about you at this sad sad time. No more words just a hug and am ear and a shoulder should you need it. Take care xxx

Hi Joan,

My heartfelt condolences duing this desperately sad time for you.

You have written so eloquently and so openly on you diary about what has happened.

May your dear brother rest in peace.

Paulds

Good Morning Diary,

Not much to say. I think I am all cried out for the moment at least. Saw Ed's obituary in the morning paper today... left me feeling very empty I'm affraid. Noone should leave the world the way he did. The details are not fit for print. I loved him. That is all that I know. So, on with it. I am a few days post op now, so can get around much better today. Cannot wait til I can move my entire head around without wincing. Until that time I am not allowed to drive anywhere which is driving me nuts! I have no desire to overeat, drink, or gamble. Outside of that slip I had before the 10th I have been gamble free. Never complacent. I am fully aware of what an addiction is and how it operates and now, how it can kill.. Please everyone stay very strong and I will too. I thank "my god" every day for each and every one of you. We are good people. We go a little crazy sometimes but, we are good people who deserve to have love and happiness. So my wish today my prayer today is for each and every one of us to have a little love and a little happiness. -joanxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Hey,

Just wanted to say I really liked your post today. Ultimately we are good people who go a little crazy sometimes. I think those words may have helped stopped me from going a little crazy today.

Thank you so much and I am really pleased to see you on the mend post op 🙂 I know it's not been a great few days but you put a smile on my face today!!

Flagg

Hey Joan,

Just sending some virtual support across the pond.

I think you are doing so well at the moment and should be so proud of yourself. You have come so far on this journey and unfortunately life has a tendancy to give us a good kick in the stomach sometimes. But you have shown how fighting everyday can help make you stronger, how being positive everyday can lead to positive situations, how smiling and being happy are golden moments to embrace not shun.

Hang in there in these sad times.

Paulds

Hi joan. Just a quick post to say thinking about you and your family , sometimes it is so easy to just give in and go back when things are bad but facing your addiction head on and also coping with such a terrible loss well I think you are one amazingly strong and courageous lady. Xxx

hey Joan ...

your body will still feel sensitive and with whats happened you are dealing with it raw and with low defences and just feeling it...

I hope you will use your diary at this time as a place to come that you know is safe and that you know you can be yourself with no meter ticking and express your feelings and thoughts..the sadness,the anger and the memories and your vulnerbilities.

sending HUGS with no words....In the words of Van Morrrison....Why why why why why why why why .....it just is.

It just is.

R and D xxx