Going to keep this thread now!

Thanks S

Yep, emotion subsided, everything is fine once more. I find when I'm really angry about something it makes me ill for the rest of the day, quite often. I get very anxious and overwhelmed when peed off.

Had a really good day today.

Gratitude:

1) I'm grateful for the sunny afternoon with no wind. I enjoyed a brisk power walk. Two laps around the park! It was great to get out and do some exercise.

2) I'm grateful for the energy to have a session of exercise today. It felt great!

3) I'm grateful I was able to help a good friend last night by listening to his relationship problems. He said it had really helped him and I felt joy.

4) I'm grateful for the cuddles from my two foster cats. They are really sweet.

5) I'm grateful my ex-husband watched my youtube channel because he has the same sense of humour as me and totally got my funny video. It felt amazing.

6) I'm grateful for the energy today to wash up and make myself a pizza. I really enjoyed it.

7) I'm grateful to be getting a lovely back massage tomorrow. I'm really looking forward to it.

8) I'm grateful to have been texting a man from a dating website who is not at all bothered that I have depression. We are going to meet next week but it feels great to be accepted so far for who I am. He has been very kind and respectful.

9) I'm grateful for the groceries I had delivered this afternoon. It feels great to have healthy food in the house.

10) I'm grateful for the viewing of a flat I have arranged tomorrow. It feels hopeful to have options.

11) I'm grateful to have lost a lot of the weight I'd piled on after over-eating for a few weeks.

Hi Freda!

Love your gratitude lists - keep them coming as every day has many things to be greatful for ☺

Look after yourself

S x

Hey, all.

I have many, many things to be grateful for. It's been busy here in Freda's world. Lots of change on the horizon but loving myself through it all. I'm moving to a nicer flat at the end of next month. This will take a few pounds a month out of my savings but I am worth it. What are savings for, after all?

I have depression. It's long term and can be chronic at times. If you don't get where I'm coming from on this front, I don't want to hear it! The place I've been living for just over a year is in an attic, it's noisy outside, has no washing machine, no doorbell - the other flats have battery ones and mine wouldn't work as it was interfering with theirs. It has no dishwasher, either. Now this might seem like a real luxury and it is, but the difference it makes to my mental health to have a dishwasher is unreal. I get germ-phobic and washing up never feels "clean" enough when I'm not well. So, this new flat is quiet, more or less detached, has a washing machine, dishwasher and door intercom. It will improve my wellbeing soooo much. I deserve this and it will only eat just over 1,000 of my savings in two years.

I'm full of cold today and feeling really sorry for myself but got 2 affectionate cats by my side and a cold glass of water, so that will do me for now.

Gratitude list coming soon!

Hey Freda ☺

Thank you for your kind post! Yes, i am turning the page with actions and not words. Not sure how long for (knowing my history i struggle to stick/ commit to things) but just for today i choose life ☺

Sooooo pleased to hear about the move! Sounds like it's new page for you also...new beginnings...new opportunities. Well chuffed for you!

Hope your cold will ease off soon. My mummy caught a nasty bug too...on the top of her already fragile body & mind :-(...we need to look after ourselves, take care of body and mind.

My recipe i keep repeating - hot tea with lemon & honey! Truly soothes that throat & calms the body.

Look after yourself, keep striving forward, enjoy the journey and keep being greatful for little things in life ☺

Hugs

- S x

No Way! Honey not allowed? But why? :-/

Its not meat or fish but again, what do i know about vegans menu.
You can still have lemon right 😉
Have as many vitamins as you can, esp in this weather! ..also wrap up warm and put your feet up more often to recoup energy lost in a day ☺

My own property is not something amazing or bed of roses. The key is - it's mine & i can punch the walls as much as i want lol. It's not an easy sail, i will be in debt soon and i need to fight my corner/ attitude at work so i can stay safe repaying it. Long road ahead but changes was needed & i had to look for the way forward from the outside as well as inside from my own soul.

I am really happy to hear about your changes, may long the determination and desire for a new start continue.

Have a good week & keep looking after yourself!
I am indeed proud of you ☺

S x

Hi, I read your diary quite often, my father has suffered with anxiety and depression for many years, I get the part about the dish washer and I'm so pleased your getting a better place to live. It sounds much bigger which will be better for your well being. I hope you feel well soon x

Thank you, Anon 🙂 Yeah, sometimes you have to have personal insight to "get" something like that and I can't be bothered to explain or defend myself on things like that so I just say "shut up if you don't agree, I don't want to hear it" haha.

Yeah, I feel really positive about the new place and am getting organised early to prevent as much moving stress as possible.

Sandra - yep, honey is not vegan. Some people say they are vegan and eat honey - for me, I disagree. Everyone entitled to their opinion, the short version of why honey is usually not considered vegan is it is not a bee-welfare thing, it is about not exploiting any creatures for financial gain (it's not our honey to sell, it doesn't belong to us, it belongs to the bee) and it can actually disturb the natural balance in the eco system which is not good for any being. This is because intensive breeding of one, particular kind of bee is not natural and messes with nature. I haven't looked into it in depth, I take a very well-read, intelligent vegan's word for it (not me, my friend! ha!)

Still no gratitude list, as very busy week which has left me a little frazzled and anxious but I have been mentally noting things to be grateful for, all along 🙂

Just for today, I am grateful for:

1) The kindness of my friend who bought me my favourite pasty (there are not many that are vegan!) It isn't available to buy with my shopping online, for some reason, so it is a rare treat which I enjoyed very much.

2) I'm grateful for these lovely foster cats I've got here. I have had lovely cuddles off them both today. They are very sweet and loving.

3) I'm grateful for the energy to catch up on stuff today. I've made great progress after a week of being either ill or too busy to take care of normal life things like hoovering and getting groceries.

4) I'm grateful for my friends dogs who went mad with the waggy tails when I called in. I was honoured, lol!

5) I'm grateful for the good night's sleep last night after a couple of poor nights - partly due to naughty, noisy cats!

6) I'm grateful to have felt fairly good today, despite forgetting to take my meds last night.

7) I'm grateful I was able to get through a full day of training yesterday. I was sleep deprived and anxious when I woke, so it was a great success to have been able to complete the learning and gain the qualification.

8) I'm grateful for the kindness of my ex boyfriend. He has been a bit of a di ck to me at times but he gave me a lift home last night which I was very grateful to him for.

9) I'm grateful to have gotten back into my meditation practice the past couple of days. I am not back to full speed with it, but building it back up and already feeling the benefits.

10) I'm grateful for my period! Hooray! I got it today. It is a sign of health and that a bit of foolish behaviour earlier this month has not resulted in unwanted pregnancy 😉

I'm having one of those mornings where I'm preoccupied with the thought "I'm going to die and I can't do anything about it" I've been troubled by this thought on and off since childhood. It just messes with my head. It feels very vulnerable and scary.

Just plodding ahead with my day having compassion for my mental state today. I suspect we all need to spend time feeling this fear and vulnerability. I have a feeling that if we sit with it, allow it, consciously experience it, it works itself out. It's a natural thought and feeling to have but we panic and distract ourselves because we don't have an answer and don't know how to make it better.

I was about to apologise there, for being so morbid but I'm not going to. It's part of my human experience. It's part of my truth that I'm sharing. Why walk around pretending with each other? If we're pretending, surely we're not really living.

Morning Freda,

Funny not funny as in lol or ha ha but I had similar thoughts this morning. Followed by other thoughts about things I have no earthly control over. Vulnerabilities is a good word. Anyway, no answers of course just a nod from across the pond. Vulnerability and maybe a brief but very scary feeling or sense of groundlessness is something we all share from time to time. Thanks as always for sharing. And, congrats on getting that period! Whew! 😀 -joanxx

Hey Freda,

Thank you for your kind post and i agree with every word you say!

Really good advice you gave me and i shall apply it to my day!
I went to the bank earlier & i never interact with people but this gentleman joined the queue and we kind of made a lil discussion about bank lol..it was funny! He said ...ohh..i just went to NatWest & there were no queues and now i came here and it's lined up to the door!..i said, "it must say something about the bank huh...either good or bad" lol...i meant slow cashiers at my bank or popular bank for everyone to join 😀 ..we had a right laugh and a chat & that actually made my day! Just like that ☺...simples!

I hear what you're saying about the vulnerability. I still think of my past 4 months daily. I went from horrible & strong suicidal thoughts to car crash of my life to finding the hope and belief again. It does play on my mind because life is something amazing..it is changing around us as we change within ourselves too. I know i say i appreciate it now, however i find it difficult some days. Again, it's me! I have depression which is under control at the minute but i started doing something also what affects me positively. I feel like living again ☺
How long for? Doesn't matter as only today matters to me!
I am bricking myself on the road still, it's been a month but i still have an image in front of me. It's not easy & I'm trying to put my mind at rest while driving - if it meant to be it will be meant to be. Knowing that I'm not going drunk, after the gambling binge or after i upset someone brings me peace. Strange but that's just how i feel!

Hun..You're one of the really spiritual people, you understand yourself and your emotions...your gratitudes helps not only you but many many others who is so fortunate to read your journal.

Be kind to you today, do little single thing to be proud off, sometimes little things are the best things to put a balm on our heart and soul.

Look after yourself & keep breathing

S x

Thanks, guyzzzzz quick gratitude list before peepsies

1) I'm grateful for the annual leave I took today. It was very nice to get paid to not be there 😀

2) I'm grateful for another good night's sleep

3) I'm grateful for having posted off my fit note today. No dealing with the fascist regime that is the DWP for a couple of weeks at least.

4) I'm grateful for the opportunity this afternoon, to grass up the dodgepot who fraudulently applied for a parking permit for my flat. It may be why my housing benefit was stopped, as this shady tithead claimed he lived here. He must be an extenant who kept a copy of the front door key.

5) I'm grateful to have removals people booked for next month!

6) I'm grateful the removals quote wasn't too expensive.

7) I'm grateful for the energy I have had today to pack a box of stuff and drop off some stuff at the charity shop. I'm getting prepared early so I don't get overwhelmed by packing and moving.

8) I'm grateful for the lovely cuddles my foster cats have given me today.

9) I'm grateful for a letter from HMRC finally confirming I don't have to do a tax return. Bunch of f**k wits.

10) I'm grateful for the food in my fridge and cupboards.

Well, moving home draws ever closer!!! I've gotten quite organised which has stopped me panicking too much. Hopefully, if I remain mindful not to push myself too much, I can remain fairly unstressed.

I occasionally see my ex for home comforts 😉 and whatnot. Saw him last weekend and we went for a walk along the seafront. I plodged in my bare feet and instantly regretted it!!!! It was so cold that all the muscles on the sole of my foot instantly cramped up painfully, It was funny....kind of!

He gave me a piggy back. I laughed and giggled and we fooled around. I was in a buoyant, chirpy mood when we went out, I soon noticed I couldn't sustain this around him, though. I do think he was attracted to my light, initially. I have many problems but I am still in touch with that playful inner child. It keeps me sane, I get excited about relatively small things. Although he functions on a surface level far better than me, he is deeply unhappy, I feel. He has no spark, no passion or enthusiasm.

After he had left, I felt a little depressed and asked myself "does this emotion belong to me?" I instantly felt lighter and better. It did not. He has been very kind to me in many ways, soothing his own guilt for treating me poorly in the past. I realised, though, that I find him boring. I don't want him anymore. Sometimes I want to have s*x with him, but that is because I want to have s*x with someone I feel comfortable with. It's not because it is specifically him if that makes sense. He helped me feel more confident about my body after splitting with my husband, I think that was his purpose. His role in my story. There isn't any more to be had, now. I know that as soon as I find someone else to fulfill some of those needs, I will be done.

I had a practice session of a new complementary therapy with a friend last night. I was nervous but it went well and she enjoyed it. It built up my confidence a bit. I have another friend coming tomorrow morning for the same reason. Building up my confidence is good!

I hope to find time tonight to return and write a gratitude list.

Hi Freda,

Thank you so much for your post! It made perfect sense to my confused head and calmed me down a bit...thank you ☺ xx

So happy to read of your little changes! Way to go girl & look how amazingly well it's all going..happy for you ☺

I shouldn't laugh but i sniggered about your description of exe's "purpose" 😀 ...i shall say no more but as long as you're happier with yourself - that's all what counts!

Little steps forward girl, slow packing, steady transition with the move & new beginnings awaits ☺

Look after yourself and be proud!

S x

Thanks, S x x

Feeling like the world is very scary today. I just want to hide and cry.

I found it hard to get up early today. I was really tired but had an appointment at 10am. I know that's not all that early but it is for me. I was going to a gong bath for 6 people.

Someone I have recently gotten to know was asking me what I do and I said I just work in a library putting books back on shelves. I said I only work one day a week because I don't really like it. And then there was just silence and I felt really stupid and vulnerable. I get like this sometimes when no-one says anything after I have spoken. I don't know why but I feel like they are judging me. She eventually said "well it brings a bit of money in for you which is good" I have never had a vocation or something I feel like I'm really good at. I think I just don't like being asked what I do, in general. I feel like people are judging you and I think they often are. It often leads to "why aren't you doing something else if you have a degree and you are obviously intelligent. There are loads of things you could do". It sounds so easy doesn't it! I feel scared of people putting me down, is the answer. I struggle to feel confident doing things and if anyone criticises me, particularly if it is harsh or they are not giving me a chance to find my feet first I get really angry. I want my best to be good enough. When I'm trying my best and someone criticises me, I feel like telling them to eff off. I don't mind being corrected or having a mistake pointed out, as long as they don't try to shame me or treat me like I'm an idiot. I find it hard to stay positive and build confidence when this happens. It makes me nervous and I become scared to make a mistake again - which inevitably means I make more mistakes. I'm so envious of people who are able to let criticism slide like water off a duck's back. Who don't let it get to them when they get a b o llocking they don't deserve or whatever. I have always had a really strong reaction to domineering people. It comes from childhood and I simply don't know how to heal it. It really does rule out a lot of jobs. I'd love to be my own boss and be self-employed but I don't know what I could do that is in demand. People say I should push on with the energy healing but I know a lot of people who are very good at this who don't get enough clients to make a living. I do feel it is the climate that makes it very hard. There are so many complimentary therapists competing for business - I don't think there is enough demand to go around.

Anyway, I think I was feeling particularly vulnerable because I was talking to a student last night who was telling me I should go and work in Qatar because native English speakers are in demand. As if it was as easy as that!

I also watched a short film about people getting sanctioned on benefits and being left with no money for food. It just made me feel like the world is a very scary and unfair place.

All of these things have triggered me and I've been having a good cry and been feeling depressed. I am doing so well, for me! I think this is why I find it so belittling to speak to people who don't understand depression and anxiety. They have no idea how well I am doing! From their vantage point I just look like a failure.

I also feel weird about being drawn into my ex's life again a bit. I went to his at the weekend and we went to play a few games of pool then he cooked food for us. We were intimate as well. He was holding my hand as we walked and acting like my boyfriend. It felt nice in some ways, as I miss having this affection and intimacy. He is just not right for me, though. He is showing me lots of attention and flattering me a lot. Making lots of effort for me. I feel like it's because he now sees what he is missing. I am doing a bit better and all of a sudden he wants me again. He didn't want me when I was poorly, though. I also feel like he draws out the reckless, dysfunctional side of me. The destructive side. I did so many stupid things! I got drunk, played a fruit machine and had unprotected s*x. This was just so stupid! I again felt a bit bored and think this was why I ended up going a bit wild. I loved the cuddles and affection but it just isn't worth it. I'm not even that bothered about the s*x anymore. At least I do feel fairly emotionally safe. I'm not attached to him anymore. I feel he will move out of my life when something better comes along.

Anyway, it is a strange time atm what with moving in 2 weeks and adopting a cat. Lots of change.

Gratitude:

1) I am very grateful to have had the experience of getting fitter last week. It felt amazing to be getting better at one of the things I had decided I "couldn't do" in the past. Running. I started off really pathetic only able to jog between 30-45 seconds at a time, I progressed to over a minute in just over a week! I love this sense of progress!

2) I'm grateful for having had more energy lately. I think it is related to getting fitter. It feels great!

3) I'm grateful for having been organised with my moving preparations. I have gotten a lot done already and it is keeping the stress to a minimum.

4) I'm grateful for feeling calmer in general. I'm able to do most things I need, now and am getting more independent. I managed to get the bus to the next town last week, then travel to another city, then back home. All in one day. This is something I would have struggled with a few months ago. I also did a practice session of a new therapy I've learned. It was great to achieve so much in one day!

5) I'm grateful I have a fit note for 11 more weeks. It is one less thing I have to "sort out" for a while.

6) I'm grateful my return to work has gone well. I'm not struggling much at all.

7) I'm grateful that my housing benefit was reinstated. It took a long time and was lots of hassle - but it's done!

8) I'm grateful that the days are getting longer once more. It feels good to have more daylight.

9) This is a strange one in many ways - I am grateful that my ex, who is now my lover, wants to look at my face when he is....uhm....getting there. It makes me feel beautiful! haha!

10) I am very grateful that my caT loves me so much. It feels lovely. She gives me lots of affection and likes to lie on me.

My body feels bruised and sore. I just feel so hopeless sometimes. I'm so angry with the world. I'm angry with employers. I don't want to be submissive and put up with people talking to me like sh**. I want to be treated with dignity. I want people to be kind to each other. I want to be valued and loved. I want to be accepted just the way I am. I want everyone to matter.