My life with addiction

Haha thats brilliant. I think it would be good for everyone to strive for my personal endorsement.

We do, Dan. Didn't you realise?

😉 CW. Approval from oneself is much more rewarding than anything i could offer.

Great evening tonight. Possibly right up there in my most rewarding experiences since entering recovery. Moved that cyber friends from here would trust me enough to come along to shoot the breeze with me in real life.
I cant describe the difference my feelings towards these two people are tГІo how i feel when interacting with others on this site.
Its like night & day. So different. So much more rewarding. I learnt more about them in a few short hours than i have in years of chatting on here.

Not gambling is great, but recovery truely rocks. I love my life. Its far from perfect but wow lol who knew letting yourself be unafraid to reach out, be there, be connected, had so many benefits.

Off to bed, cheeks hurting from the constant smiling

Like

Big bad wolf huh ;-)..more like a sheep with the kindest heart & soul!

Humbled by the words you have written and thankful for the opportunity to share a thought or two with ya ☺

Thank you for accepting me for who i am..not at all perfect but still human being.

Have a good day Dan & i shall get back to reading my lil orange booklet & go over the shares i listened to with open mind...recovery indeed rocks ;-))))

I saw a wonderful piece of advice by CW to i think it was Tina on the friends & family section. It regarded co dependency.
Co-Dependency abounds on both sides of the forum.
One of my most damaging behaviours is that my ingrained habitual thinking is negative about myself,so it sometimes needs counteracting with positive justification from others. This isnt a healthy way to act for anyone.

It leads me to sometimes try to fix or help people for the wrong reasons. Its hard to seperate when im helping for someone elses good or too make me feel important & needed.

Its a constant battle for myself to judge whether im advising to be heard or advising because ive been asked too.

Its been suggested on numerous occasions im self righteous, that i lack humility & that the sheer force of my personality can hinder as well as help. I accept these things are certainly alive in me & need work, i dont pretend im perfect in meetings or on here.

I may be guilty of having a hero complex, but again i am willing to concede this has some truth to it.

Where am i going with this? Not totally sure! I guess im just saying, today i dont need to be a perfect version of me, today i accept all of me, good, bad & indifferent. Im willing to put work into improving the bits of me that i want too & i will afford myself the grace of not beating myself up if i dont get there as quickly as I would wish.

Im imperfect & thats fine, everyone is. I spent so long in the belief i had to be the perfect son, brother,friend, husband & father. I could never manage it, so would get so frustrated at my failure & would end up going f eck it why bother trying.

Today i understand its the willingness to strive for growth, to do the best i can, that is important & that sometimes its ok to fall short as long as my motives & efforts where pure.

I asked my wife once why she got so frustrated & angry with me a long time ago. Her response has always stuck with me. Dan she said, i wish i had your options, you take for granted what you are capable of , you dont understand that not everyone has your choices. Your choices are limitless & you have taken the choice to do nothing.

It was a sobering slap around the chops. My life has been largely a disappointment to me. Slowly over the last 10 years it has began to improve. Im beginning to like myself more each day. My actions give me self esteem, so as i dont need to seek it out in others. I have genuine feelings & relationships with others & a purpose to get up & face the day has been found.

Gambling addiction took me to the place i needed to find in order to embrace life. For me i would never have sought heaven without witnessing hell.
Still lots to work on, co-dependancy being one of them. But im getting there, im pleased with my progress.

Dan ( I hope it's ok to call you Dan) I've now read this from beginning to end, it's taken me a few days & many hours, some of the posts I've read a few times over so that my mind could fully digest the content. I can only say thank you, thank you for sharing, I am at the very beginning of what I'm sure is going to be a difficult journey and your diary has given me much to think about.....

I have a long long way to go but I am learning every single day that I need to accept myself, accept life, say goodbye to my deep pains from my past, not doing so will inevitably lead to addiction once more grabbing me & hurtling me to self destruction.

From one of your posts.....I need, I have to....DROP THE ROCK!

Again I thank you...keep posting.

M x

Addiction is the emotionally lazy man/womans path to peace & serenity.

Addiction gives all its users self-sufficency emotionally, it nourishes the need we have as humans to create something that our lack of real connection & bonds has left us wanting. Addiction means i dont need anything or anyone. It is stable, ever available in time of need & something within my control.

It was a relationship i was prepared to die for. I put it before my wife, my children, all my significant others.
It stands to reason then that it must have been giving me something i believed was vital to my very existance, that i would be prepared to sacrifice so much for it.

Emotional self sufficiency....and when used with prescription medication it can stop you feeling anything 🙁

Dan!!! My lovely friend (yup..have ya ever seen this coming!)

Have a lovely Xmas and thank you so so much for your support, listening ear and great advice you so kindly give out ☺

Very much appreciated!

Hugs

S xx

Morning Dan. Just popping by to say thank you for sticking by me even when I'm being prickly. You seem to see past my defenses and see me for me. You have lighted in on some of my loneliest and darkest hours. Thank you for reminding me that I need other folks. If addiction is isolation recovery is about connection. Merry Christmas Dan. - joanxx

I saw a recent post by Louis on his displeasure at the word recovery.
As i have previously said Recovery needs a very definate personal framework, an objective or you are not in it.

What i have seen work is not an expected equilibrium insde, or a nirvana of happiness on a daily basis.
What humans actually seem to need is not a constant tensionless state, but the striving & struggle of obtaining a worthwhile goal. but it must be a freely chosen task.
What we need is not the discharge of tension in our lives at any cost but rather the call of potential meaning to life waiting to be fullfilled by us.

People who struggle seem to lack an awareness of any meaning worth living for.
They seem haunted by the experience of their inner emptyness. a void they serm unable to fill with anything meaningfull.

Happy Xmas all 🙂 xx

Evening Dan
Your observation was possibly spot on

I do have a tendency to want to control every situation I'm in.
I guess it's more to do with me not stepping outside my comfort zone much. That way I can control everything within.
I've lived this way that long I no longer know where my boundaries lie.
I used to be quite social which was picked up by my wife as in her word's not wanting to spend time with her.
The last 3 to 4 year's I've become possibly anti social. Now she says I don't go out enough.
I tend to do things to the extreme. There's no middle ground in what I do.
I know I need to set myself free from my bubble. And I need to stop caring about if people will judge me. Because that scares me the most.
Probably wont make sense but it does to me

Thanks for the post as always I value your opinion

Kisses

Human beings are poor examiners of self, addicts even more so. Our thinking is subject to bias, prejudice, & a profound tendency to see what we want to see, rather than what is really there.

Thank you

M x