My life with addiction

Thanks for your comments everyone. Always nice to get feed back good or bad!.

Firstly well done on a year of no gambling to Suzanne/i wished, a women whos put so much effort into putting her life back together & helping others on here with her words of comfort. No surprise that those who give the greatest effort tackling addiction reap the greatest rewards. Suzanne i salute you x

It made me reflect on how i felt after reaching my year milestone.

I breezed through it. It was probably the easiest period of my recovery. I had no access to money. Every penny spent was accountable through receipts. I attended GA every week. I had counselling. I couldnt gamble simple, so that made it easier. So what did my brain make of this. It sought out the same solution to my problems it always had in other forms.

I received my 1 year pin from GA & wore it in full view for anybody to see.
I have surely got this cracked now yes! No need to carry on doing the things that have worked for me so far, i can go back to using willpower alone. Wrong!

Nothing had changed, ok i hadnt gambled for a year which was great, but i was still finding my comfort in compulsive behaviour. I would work stupid hours rather than face things that were bothering me. I would play computer games for hours on end, read a book rather than engage with my family. Look for emotional comfort in being overly needy & sexual. I would do & say what i thought people wanted to hear, rather than be confident that my opinion could be voiced & not be judged. Others views of me were still more important to me than my own was.

My reaction to reaching a year was to buy a porsche. What an idiot! A gesture of look @ me, arent i great, look at how successful i am. As with my gambling life i hadnt fully thought through the consequences of buying it. I had thought about hp payments & insurance but not running costs, bloody thing used to cost a £10 in fuel just to start the engine!

That car became to sum up my recovery. It was all about the style rather than the substance of it. It looked good & that things were going great. So why didnt i feel better?

All i had done through my abstaining was change my bank balance. My view of myself & my life were in the same place it had always been, the gutter. This was quite a shock to me. I had always thought i was unhappy because i gambled. That my problems in life would vanish if i stopped gambling. That i would skip through life with fluffy bunnies hopping alongside me if only i could rid myself of this addiction. This wasnt the case. So something had to change.

Distractions were a good short term fix, work, exercise,s*x, but they wont fix the underlying problem long term. What needs fixing is our relationship with the most important person in all our lives...ourselves. The only person you will spend your entire life in the company of is you. If you dont like that person who is with you 24/7 of course you are going to be unhappy.

So the car had to go along with my view of what the focus of recovery should be. It had to change from being finance based to being about self improvement.Striving to be the best i can be & not trying to be what others want me to be. Many times i fail & slip back but today i am aware of why i may seek comfort in a behaviour & work on directly tackling those things i may be hiding from. Its not easy but it is fulfilling & that is something that was sadly lacking in my life for so long. Its a long process but i try to enjoy the ride even though its in a clapped out van now.

One Breath
One Step
One Day At A Time

(Thanks Dan, your comments mean and help a lot .

Lovely honest post again, enjoy the ride today (even if it's in a clapped out van lol) at least and most importantly you are in the driving seat.

Have a good gambling free winning day.

Suzanne xxx

Concentrate on your life & not your life problems.

Most people enter recovery with the mindset that their focus should be stopping gambling. That by the act of doing so their lives will be wonderful. They believe in a lie & so most relapse. They focus on the wrong thing.

Stopping gambling if you are serious about it is a fairly simple process. Apply all the barriers with honesty & its impossible to physically make a bet. Put them in half a rsed & you may as well not bother because they wont work. If your solution to every problem you face in life is taken away you are then forced to find new coping mechanisms.

Gambling is your solution not your problem. What we should be trying to do is create a life where we dont need gambling to solve our angers, fears & resentments at life & ourselves. To find a new solution that works against our feelings of helplessness, boredom, loneliness & self pity. If i spend my time in recovery just trying not to gamble the only thing that will change is my bank balance.
If we take direct action against the things we have been hiding from we progress. If we procrastinate about our issues, put them off till tomorrow, hide behind behaviours that distract temporarily from our pain we stagnate & stay stuck in our cycle of self hate.

Change is the only thing that works. Change what is making you unhappy. Be that your relationship, job, the situation you find yourself in. Write a list of what you want from your life, emotionally & career wise. What can you do about making these things happen?
There is a solution to most things in life & the things that cant be changed are a waste of time worrying about. It is our choice whether we spend the rest of our lives wallowing in our self pity or we get off our b**t & go about improving the things we can.

Stop being afraid to fail. Nobody ever got criticised for trying their best.

One Breath
One Step
One Day At A Time

Lovely post Dan,

Can I ask you if the average is only 3 to 5% for one year of being gamble free, what are the statistics for 2 years,?? and beyond lol.

Suzanne xxx

Hi Dan
Thanks for your support and I agree that in recovery life is for living. I find I come on this site less and less the further my recovery goes for the simple reason I am living again. I actually enjoy mundane tasks and my mind set is changing about what's important in life.
My family,my friends and the simple wonderful act of living
Enjoy your weekend
Cheryl xxx

Hi HL

Thats because there isnt really any reliable way to measure it. Addicts lie! Organisations such as Hazeldean & big rehab names such as Betty Ford have tried to get data but are always reluctant to publish it, probably because it makes grim reading & would harm their buisness. Its almost impossible to monitor addicts progress once they leave treatment. Those who are successful may provide details of their lives but most as in a GA room or in here will drift away never to be heard of again. How they are doing you can only guess.
Generally what i have seen through personal experience & in data is.
95% relapse within a year
Years 1-5 will see a 50% relapse rate
Over 5 years about 15% return

As i said i really dont think you can pay too much attention to them because they are largely a stab in the dark.

Thanks for that info Dan, as HL,says the outlook looks more positive after one year, but I am very much aware that a can slip can happen after one year, if we stray from the commitment of giving 100% to recovery still. It is a continuous lifetime commitment to keep making changes for ourselves to make our lives and our families a happier and healthier place to live in.

Have a lovely gambling free Sunday evening.

Suzanne xxx

Dan

Fella I can emphasise greatly with your last few posts, I followed the same footsteps through my first years continued abstinence, 18 months in I was still expecting a great deal of change without putting in any leg work, then boom I went back at it, for three hours I gambled and the scary thing was it was like I hadn't missed a single days gambling, the old routine was back.

Today I am glad I gambled that day because I learnt a huge lesson, simply how abstinence offers opportunity, opportunity to make change, meet the challenges life brings head on rather than avoid them.

We have the 3% statistic talked about in our ga room, that 3 out of every 100 folk who walk through the doors Abstain from gambling for a calendar year.

I used it as motivation, I didn't want to be a loser, today I view the statistic purely to motivate myself to extend the gift of recovery to as many folk as I can, because it's quite a damming figure.

Please keep gifting your own education to others fella

It's inspiring.

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Let's all get that statistic up!!!!

Hi Dan

Just a quick hello and thanks again for the stimulation you provided. Truth be told I was getting quite jaded of this forum and, because this is my only outlet, my own recovery. I felt I had stopped the addiction, which was good but that that was it. I now feel a lot more motivated to look into things - currently exploring my need for validation.

All the best

Thanks Cardhue,

I do know what you mean. It can seem a little repetitive on here sometimes with lots of posts about im great no urges & then crashing. But that is the nature of this forum. Lots of folk still in denial looking to stop losing their money rather than concentrating on the real price of their addiction.

I think thats just the process of recovery, i was no different. Always looking for the answer that required the least amount of effort. I must have made every mistake known to man about how to manage staying clean from gambling over the years.

Your thoughts about validation from others i identify with greatly. I spent the first 30-40 years of my life frantically looking & hoping people would tell me who & what i was, was good enough. Trouble was even when they told me i was, i couldnt believe it because i did not feel that way about myself. Validation of who we are means nothing if it does not come from within.

I wish you luck in your search for happiness. Its there if you look in the right places & ask yourself the right questions & are prepared to answer them honestly.

Maybe give GA a chance, within the 12 step program are all the questions & answers you will need to find peace.

One Breath
One Step
One Day At A Time

Motivation & a willingness to change have been the most important things that have aided my recovery.
They have also been the most difficult things to maintain.

Early in recovery these things are fairly easy. I was angry, my life emotionally & financially was an obvious car crash that couldnt be continued. I didnt have a pot to P iss in. I couldnt make it through a few hours without another crisis rearing its head & dragging me back into my self pity & blaming others mindset. So it was obvious things couldnt continue, circumstances forced my initial change not willingness.

After a period of time with abstinence (usually around 3-9 months) most of us find these circumstances have changed. We have a little money, partners are less watchful, debts are coming down & the sight of the postman walking down the road or the phone ringing no longer fills us with dread.

Most addicts i have seen find this period critical to ongoing success. They generally fall into two groups.

Group one are those whose mindset is that addiction is a fight, one they must battle with & win.

Group two are those who accept defeat & surrender that they are powerless over addiction.

Group one will see a change in their circumstances & believe they have won.

Group two will see a change in circumstances & see that addiction can be co existed with.

Addiction is a learnt behaviour. One that allows us to escape from the things in life that cause us pain.
You cant unlearn something. Which is what group 1 is trying to do & why relapse is regular.

Group 2 accept the fact addiction is going to be with them forever & they must learn new ways of coping with what life throws at them. This is where their motivation for ongoing change comes from & relapses are rare.

Stop fighting, you are going to lose.
Surrender & an acceptance of where & what you are, will allow recovery in.

This mindset goes against everything we have been taught in life, which is why most find addiction a lifetime struggle.

The only way to win is accept defeat.

One Breath
One Step
One Day At A Time

This may be your last chance to stop!
Have you ever considered this?
You may never again have the opportunity to quit. You may be resigned to living the destruction that fills your life forever if you relapse again.

Every time you relapse this becomes harder.
Every time you relapse you add to your guilt & shame.
Every time you relapse your morality sinks to new depths.
Every time you relapse your finances are made even worse.
Every time you relapse your actions towards your partner & loved ones feels to them like you have cut them with a knife.

Yet it seems to be an addicts mindset that relapse is an acceptable outcome!! Its not. If you go into this thinking that its ok to do so, your probably going to.

I have seen many addicts enjoy the reaction relapse brings. Lots of attention from people saying well done for trying, your so brave, there there never mind. They are the centre of attention again. It makes them feel important when they normally feel invisable.

If recovery feels like a prison sentence, a constant struggle, chances are your doing it wrong. Recovery is to be embraced not endured.

One Breath
One Step
One Day At A Time

Morning Dan,

Very powerful and sobering last 2 posts, which only strengthen my resolve, thank you for sharing.

Suzanne xxx

A man approaches his friend & says.
Please could you lend me some money, i cant pay my rent or utilities, i have no food in my cuboards or petrol in my car. My childrens shoes have holes in them & my partner sits crying alone most days because of our situation.

The friend knows the man is a compulsive gambler & so says.
I will lend you the money if you promise to spend it on these things you need & not gamble it away.

The compulsive gambler replies.
Oh i have money for gambling. I just dont have money for rent,food,petrol or my family.

One Breath
One Step
One Day At A Time