Morning S :))
How on earth do you fell alone in this ???? .
Seriously mate I get your point as some day's it's all about us and sitting with feelings that really don't seem to be going anywhere , that initial euphoria of stopping gambling seems to dwindle a bit and you kind of get to just plodding along ? .
I knew something was up as you hadn't posted for a while and that's not like you , all I can say buddy is don't isolate yourself too much as gambling loves that and you really do have to keep pushing through as those feelings will go .
Look how far you've come to your original post and take whatever positives you can , even if thing's aren't always " Bell's and Whistles " sometimes as the saying goes you gotta " Fake it till you make it " 🙂
Gotta go now as expecting an estate agent round at 10 but thinking of you mate .
" Talk to me Goose " :)))
" Talk to me Goose " :)))
??
Ah that did cheer me up buddy ?
Thanks so much for your kind message. Ah, don't mind me - I'm just feeling sorry for myself at the moment, like you say I'm sure this will pass...
I think the source of it is struggling financially? I paying my debt off each month but boy does it hurt me each month. Have been getting by ok until recently, last few months due to this and that have left me struggling.
And that's when all the self-loathing and regret kicks in I guess. Surrounding myself with GA people and on here etc is great and everything, but when I look at my bank balance I think "how dare I be happy and walk around like nothings happened when I've made all this mess!"
And you know, it's tiring and demoralising working long hours every week with little break and then still struggling between pay checks. Still - this life is all I've ever known really... ?
For some reason I secretly hope someone will come along and troll my diary - telling me how much of a failure I am and drop feeling sorry for myself as I caused the mess so I should face the consequences?
I keep trying to cause arguments at work so someone can have a go at me but no-one is biting?
Today I was driving a bit erratically in the hope someone would cross my path so I could argue with them?
All a bit weird really... I'm actively looking for pain!
Why am I doing this Al?
And you're right about the isolating... Guilty as charged. Glad I am a member of GA for this reason - like people say in GA - most weeks I don't feel like going but I have NEVER left a meeting room feeling worse than I did when I went in there.
It works for me anyway.
Thank you for checking up on me ? so glad you didn't disappear from here
" Talk to me Goose " :)))
??
Ah that did cheer me up buddy ?
Thanks so much for your kind message. Ah, don't mind me - I'm just feeling sorry for myself at the moment, like you say I'm sure this will pass...
I think the source of it is struggling financially? I paying my debt off each month but boy does it hurt me each month. Have been getting by ok until recently, last few months due to this and that have left me struggling.
And that's when all the self-loathing and regret kicks in I guess. Surrounding myself with GA people and on here etc is great and everything, but when I look at my bank balance I think "how dare I be happy and walk around like nothings happened when I've made all this mess!"
And you know, it's tiring and demoralising working long hours every week with little break and then still struggling between pay checks. Still - this life is all I've ever known really... ?
For some reason I secretly hope someone will come along and troll my diary - telling me how much of a failure I am and drop feeling sorry for myself as I caused the mess so I should face the consequences?
I keep trying to cause arguments at work so someone can have a go at me but no-one is biting?
Today I was driving a bit erratically in the hope someone would cross my path so I could argue with them?
All a bit weird really... I'm actively looking for pain!
Why am I doing this Al?
And you're right about the isolating... Guilty as charged. Glad I am a member of GA for this reason - like people say in GA - most weeks I don't feel like going but I have NEVER left a meeting room feeling worse than I did when I went in there.
It works for me anyway.
Thank you for checking up on me ? so glad you didn't disappear from here
Ok . Your a failure and stop feeling sorry for yourself you whinging snivelling git ? How’s that , feeling better?? . ?. There’s many segments to this recovery malarkey and the debt and self loathing are just a couple. The problem is that we not only have to deal with our feelings and that of those around us but then comes the clearing up of the financial damage to boot . It is tough mate and tbh the last thing when creating a different life we want to be worrying about is money or the lack of it . It does take time and 4 yrs in I still have debt and as much as I don’t like it being there it does keep me grounded as it’s a reminder how I got into this mess and just like the gambling it didn’t happen overnight and it’s going to take time to be different. If someone had come along and wiped it all away and said “ there’s your new life mate enjoy “ I’d have been made up but would I have learned anything about myself or just been granted a clean canvass just to eff up again ? . Time heals mate but more importantly it allows us to grow into something we want to be and erasing the debt as well as learning to live again takes time . All this time on for me I still sit and think “ b****x@ “ but then snap myself out of by thinking whatever would I have been now if I’d done nothing ? . Six feet under probably ? . So life doesn’t work out as planned sometimes, so what it just gives you the opportunity to do something else. So stop whinging you t**t and look ahead to the the days with your family and the important moments you now won’t miss ?? . Love you x
You trolling b*****d - I'm going to report you ???
Thanks man... I've come a long way haven't I... What a mess I'm still in but what devastation I could be still doing right?
Thank you again... You always have a knack of snapping me out of a malaise with your wise words.
Shame it will be short-lived as I'm still going to report you and get you banned for calling me names you troll ??? last I heard youre still being moderated so you're on thin ice young man ????
Ps good luck with the estate agent ?
Don't get too emotional... 28 years I think you said you've been grafting that business right? If it were me I'd be crying into the agents suit jacket at the letting go of my baby! Ha ha - have a great day bud
Thank you again (for everything) ?
Your wrong as I've now left the Island of moderation as it was getting a bit lonely but admin felt a bit sorry for me and allowed me back into general population but they do have my passport and 10 k as a bail bond 🙁
Had I still been in moderation you'd have not been trolled for 4 day's at least by which time it wouldn't have meant anything 🙂 .
The estate agent's been with a property developer in tow so it'll be a while before I get any feed back yet and it's 38 years but thank's for noticing :)) .
All the best mate , catch you soon 🙂
Wow man... 38 years... I'm guessing you threw yourself into the business post-gambling as a coping mechanism to see you through the wilderness years - actually thinking about it I remember you saying once or twice that work has been an addiction for you in that respect...
So aside from the income and security it has probably acted as a buffer and a blocker to a certain extent from the demons that lie in wait?
Must be tough to say goodbye to an old friend so to speak but pastures new and all that... I hope it all goes smoothly and your baby gets a good home ;o)
Thanks again for the much needed lift today my man
I was supposed to have a productive day being dynamic and getting a lot of tasks done, instead I've spent the day at a snail pace, constantly second-guessing myself, doubting myself and going about my business very cautiously.
Basically it dawned on me today that I've lost a lot of my confidence post-gambling.
When I was gambling i used to exude confidence, that's what people told me - I guess I considered myself an all singing, all dancing, uncontrollable wildman who knew no boundaries and grabbed life by the horns, regardless of the danger and consequences that potentially lay before me through living this life.
Turns out I'm just an average guy, with a gambling addiction, who is struggling away at life.
I have realised today that gambling was inherently a part of my identity - it gave me self-belief that I could live on the edge, go against the grain, be maverick etc.
How sad is that ?
Now I struggle with general domestic duties, worried in case I do them wrong or not to a sufficient standard.
As I always say, gambling robs you of so much more than money.
Anybody else feel this way? Or is it just me?
Well for a start " Go against the grain be Maverick " I told you this morning " Speak to me Goose " we can't both be Maverick 🙂 .
Yes is the answer to your question .
I thought I was invincible when in action , it was like living life in a movie where I got to change the script as I went along to suit my needs .
You put this wall up ( not in a Donald trump way because I wasn't just trying to keep Mexicans out ) but everyone just living life in my little bubble , if you've ever played Rugby ? it was like fending off with one arm while carrying the ball in the other .
Money meant nothing to me yet it meant everything ? and if I didn't have it then no worry because my addicted mind would tell me more was just around the corner and once again everyone would be in awe of me for supplying whatever they needed .
Were all just average people S but I guess wrapped in a cloak of " Invincibility " when addiction mask's the real us ?
Money meant nothing to me yet it meant everything ? and if I didn't have it then no worry because my addicted mind would tell me more was just around the corner and once again everyone would be in awe of me for supplying whatever they needed .
Yep - I know that feeling well mate. Perhaps lack of self-esteem and self-worth, thinking I had not much to offer people unless I had money to throw about, trying to buy people's respect, even those close to me.
Were all just average people S but I guess wrapped in a cloak of " Invincibility " when addiction mask's the real us ?
As per usual you've nailed it mate - after all these years I'm only now being introduced to the genuine me? It's weird and unsettling but it's all I've got now so I'll have to set the table and get on with him I guess! ?
" We are what we are mate , we just need to make sure we become better than we were " 🙂
Christ !! I'm good :))) .
Night Goose 🙂
How you doing today me old mucker ????? .
Hi Alan
Thank you for your message.
It's amazing how uplifting a "how are you" message can be sometimes, I suppose all that we need sometimes is just reassurance that we have people around us... Today the life I lead is pretty alien to me and consequently it leaves me feeling a bit lost sometimes, thanks for being there for me.
Debt, overdrafts, long working hours... The price we pay post-gambling...
Peace of mind, making people happy, pride, satisfaction - that's the trade off I suppose.
I do need something more to keep me afloat as I continue this journey, hopefully I'll find it someday. Until then I keep pushing on...
I don't have much to offer these forums at the minute... Hopefully some inspiration will come my way soon - hate being a drag on this platform and bringing my funk to the party (don't think it's so helpful to those that share the platform or whatever) so will keep my head down for a bit ?
Take care mate
Morning S?. Posting on here and getting it all out there is just if not more important when your feeling like ? as it is when your having a bells ? and whistles moment . We can’t always be happy and content mate and when you signed up to this there was no claim it was going to be easy was there ? . Accepting our flaws and dealing with the aftermath is part of our penance I guess but it also allows us to become someone different and to learn to have different values at a sensible pace instead of be a better person do it yourself kit being posted through your front door. Just keep taking positives wherever you can S and the rest will follow buddy . At one time you’d have given your right arm to be where you are now with everything out in the open and no gambling for almost a year , I know we all want things to be even better and in time it will be . But just for today not gambling will be all you need. Chin up mate your heading in the right direction . ???
At one time you’d have given your right arm to be where you are now with everything out in the open and no gambling for almost a year
Well that's too true mate... Thanks for reminding me of that ?
Don't worry, in the words of your idol and guru - "I'll be back"
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