NEED PEOPLE... I just need people like you to be there for me right now

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ricks
(@ricks)
Posts: 97
 

This is a good read. I'm not finished yet but it's rawness and intensity is a must read for all who are struggling.

 
Posted : 14th June 2019 9:16 am
Aum
 Aum
(@aum)
Posts: 3947
 

If no signal ever awakens any smouldering desire or seething passion in the wasteland of our mental universe, only a third eye may throw inspiriting light on the path to good vibrations.

Erik Pevernagse.

 
Posted : 14th June 2019 11:40 am
signalman
(@signalman)
Posts: 1199
Topic starter
 
Posted by: Stephen Sensible

If no signal ever awakens any smouldering desire or seething passion in the wasteland of our mental universe, only a third eye may throw inspiriting light on the path to good vibrations.

 

??  Love that! Thanks so much man.

 
Posted : 14th June 2019 5:45 pm
Aum
 Aum
(@aum)
Posts: 3947
 

Glad you liked that quote Signalman.

I do enjoy following your diary and get inspiration from the things you write about.

Wishing you a good gamble free weekend.

 
Posted : 15th June 2019 9:09 am
 A 9
(@alan-135)
Posts: 503
 

Hello S 🙂

Just come to pester you and make sure your ok , no need to reply Bud as I'm sure you are but as Oscar wild once said  " Your like a big Jam doughnut , You presence bring's us pleasure and your departure merely makes us hungry for more "  ....................  Think it was him anyway ???? :)) . 

Take care !!!! .  

 
Posted : 15th June 2019 12:26 pm
signalman
(@signalman)
Posts: 1199
Topic starter
 

Are you sure it wasn't Homer Simpson who said that ?

Thanks for thinking of me Al, working a long weekend today, started yesterday - hanging in there - at least I'll catch a bit of fathers day tomorrow evening and hopefully one or two gifts coming my way ?

My friend from GA who I haven't heard from in a while said he thought about me today and sent me a lovely message, I'm sure he won't mind me sharing the best bits...

"I have to believed I've changed and have a purpose in life"

Sometimes I feel like a balloon floating not knowing if I will pop and disintegrate and come crashing down, or soar with the clouds not knowing my destination nor caring just freedom of not caring.

"Success is no longer gauged on wealth or materialistic objects but in a currency not bought but built"

"Giving back in any capacity is a gift so precious only people lucky enough to know the true value"

Honestly, when you get messages like these out the blue it's beggar belief that in the past so many times I have tried to do this alone. It actually breaks my heart that there are so many people out there still trying to do this, living in secrecy - feeling all the same feelings I'm currently feeling, but also feeling so alone in all this.

We are not bad people, we are not rotten to the core. Just misguided, mislead with corrupted programming that can be reconfigured if only we'd accept that and engage in the reconfiguration.

STAY CONNECTED TO YOUR NEW PERSPECTIVE. That's the main test now, the fight to stay off a bet is more in the distance now.

The demons will try and wrestle this perspective away from us using weapons like pain, regret, resentment, fear etc. but we need to stay connected. If we stay connected we remain strong and our soul remains cleansed - as long as we keep it cleansed addiction cannot breed or settle in that environment.

Thanks for thinking of me today! ??????

This post was modified 5 years ago 3 times by signalman
 
Posted : 15th June 2019 12:59 pm
signalman
(@signalman)
Posts: 1199
Topic starter
 

I c u t my finger the other day, it was quite deep.

The problem is that whenever I am reading or watching a film I keep inadvertently picking at the wound, it's almost like a comfort thing, the jolt of pain is comforting to me?

Anyway in turn the wound keeps reopening. At this rate it will never heal.

So at this point I have put a plaster on it, this should allow it time to heal then I can dispose of the plaster once it's better.

I guess this is where I'm pretty much at in my recovery. Thank god I finally accepted that I needed a plaster. Yes, having a plaster on draws attention to my wound and people know, notice and ask questions but do you know what? Who cares - the main thing is that I'm healing now.

This post was modified 5 years ago 3 times by signalman
 
Posted : 15th June 2019 1:31 pm
 A 9
(@alan-135)
Posts: 503
 

Sometimes we don't think were worthy of healing or recovering S , I guess it's us making it feel like some kind of penance for sin's committed or something ?? ......  We are and you do have to allow yourself to heal buddy but even that can take time to sink in . 

It's a long, winding and sometimes bumpy road that we travel me old mucker but at some point we'll turn the last bend to see that destination in front of us :)) .  

Good to see a post :)) 

And it wasn't Homer........ Dohhh !! 🙂 

 
Posted : 15th June 2019 2:47 pm
signalman
(@signalman)
Posts: 1199
Topic starter
 
Posted by: A 9

at some point we'll turn the last bend to see that destination in front of us :)) .  

???

 
Posted : 15th June 2019 2:55 pm
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 Aum
(@aum)
Posts: 3947
 

On a dark clear night you will be able to see a brilliant star shining down from the constellation "Signalmanutopia" and sitting on the other stars in this astral wonderland will be a choir of angel's singing the following song:

 

"Keep right on to the end of the road

Keep right on to the end

If the way be long, let your heart be strong

Keep right on round the bend

If your tired and weary still journey on

'Till you come to your happy abode

Where all you love that your dreaming of

Will be there at the end of the road"

 
Posted : 15th June 2019 4:04 pm
 A 9
(@alan-135)
Posts: 503
 

" Talk to me Goose " :)) . 

It's not the same on here S without your post's of epic proportions , so I hope you don't go quiet for too long :)) . 

Stay well mate :))  

 
Posted : 18th June 2019 3:38 pm
slowlearner
(@slowlearner)
Posts: 864
 

OY,

Ya little misery are you blanking me ?. I'm joking lol just posted to say hi mate & hoping you're ok. How's the wife, family & that gorgeous little boy of yours. My grandson 16 on 11th of July & on the 12th his school prom. Son sent me a picture of him in his prom suit looked great except for PINK  tie o*g is he coming out of the closet & trying to make a statement lol.

I'm joking Signalman, if i could bottle him i'd drink him for the rest of my life. I'm so proud of him & being invited along in August to see him receive his A level results. You got all these joys to come but remember the in between bits are important too ( the bits i f****d up on & missed in the blink of an eye ). Only thing we can do now is show how much we love them,stand by them & show how much we've changed by deeds not words.

Reading through your diaries way back to 1st post recently & wow what a breath of fresh air. Trust me ( take a chance and trust a CG just this once ) you've come on leaps & bounds and if you stay away from gambling you'll make him and his mum proud.

Sincere Best Wishes

AL 

 

 

 
Posted : 18th June 2019 10:30 pm
signalman
(@signalman)
Posts: 1199
Topic starter
 

Al!

Wouldn't dream of blanking you my friend! You've been so good to me and supportive throughout this journey. Ah, don't take it personally - just having a bit of a hiatus from the site - something weird is happening where I can't seem to relate to anyone's posts in the same way anymore? It's not that I don't care, it's just that I don't have the energy to close my eyes and jump in people's stories with them for the minute, which is weird for me (as you know because I've always worn my heart on my sleeve here)

It's all a bit strange. Furthermore I was feeling a bit blue before and was becoming paranoid about relevance of churning out my malaise on a 'quit gambling' website (I was waiting for someone to tell me to hike off to a depression forum or something) ?

So that explains that anyway. Maybe I'm ready to live again? Who knows... Either way, don't take it personally.

The family are all good thanks. By now I should have been deep into my counselling but alas it's all on hold. But to my credit family life and relationship with missus is thriving for the first time in ages, again like I say - weird phenomenological things are happening in my life that seem beyond my control but I have been attempting (in vain) to control them for some time now? Maybe that the answer - relinquishing control...

Mate - 313 days! Who would've thought eh? You got this Al, you yourself have come such a long way, especially when the black dog had you beat down towards the end of last year and early this year... I was worried for you then and thought about you a lot... It's amazing the cycle of emotions we have all shared since we started our journeys together.

Such a heartwarming tale of your grandsons prom ? I remember mine... Too much vodka beforehand but still managed to show my date some sort of good time - she didn't drink back then and was not so impressed with me when I stumbled up to her drunk with my shirt hanging out outside the school gates and asked for her hand to lead her in to the entrance photo...

Nowadays I don't drink and she enjoys a tipple in the evening... Lying next to her watching her sleep as I write this message on my phone brings back fond memories and also a recognition of how far we have come... Also a reminder of how tables can turn and in truth how much of that can we ever control moving forward day-to-day. Who knows what the future holds... If anyone told me in my youth that I'd be tee total come 35 I would've choked on the pint of beer that pretty much never left my side ?

If anyone told me then that she'd still want to be with me now after 20 odd years again i would've had serious doubts and reservations!

Who knows what the future really holds eh ?

It's not something we can control much... But I do know this much - rather than sit around and wait for it we may as well set a nice table, create a beautiful ambience with lighting and music - then clear the place up nice so when it does arrive all is ready to have a beautiful time.

We just need to stay off that next bet is all...

Keep in touch dear friend!

This post was modified 5 years ago 2 times by signalman
 
Posted : 18th June 2019 11:19 pm
slowlearner
(@slowlearner)
Posts: 864
 

Hi Signalman,

If you can't relate to some stories as much, if you're tired lately that's fine. I think that's all part and parcel of getting well as family, relationships and work  probably take up so much of your time. That's not a bad thing mate it's healthy normal thoughts returning & replacing the addiction.

No one thinks you should move on to a depression forum. In fact the things you've given me are hope, optimism and a belief that i can get through this. & Become better 1 day at a time. What's depressing about that ?. Anyway mate we're both GF and as you say relationships improved so let's enjoy this ride & be thankful for what we still have.

Sometimes now that the finances have been handed over & i'm living on a shoe string budget in order to pay off my gambling debts i get a little down & often wish i had a bit more money. Having spent a recent weekend in London I lost count of many people i saw huddled in sleeping bags in shop doorways. When i occasionally spit my dummy out regarding my lack of pocket money i've thought a lot about those poor homeless people & begin to think about what i've got rather than what i haven't. Right now i'm trying hard to rid myself of not just addiction but all the vile side effects like selfishness & the ME ME ME factor so prevalent in CGs.

Anyway Signalman it's been great hearing from you & remember there's nothing depressing about you, on the contrary. For me you've been a beacon of light & you're a great ambassador for those who's journey of recovery is in the very early stages. If you don't feel like talking right now or you're tired with work & other issues i get that mate. I'm sure after a little break your enthusiasm, wisdom & valuable contributions will bless this site again soon.

In The Meantime Take Care & Sincere Best Wishes

AL

This post was modified 5 years ago 2 times by slowlearner
 
Posted : 19th June 2019 9:09 am
signalman
(@signalman)
Posts: 1199
Topic starter
 

Earlier in the gym changing room there was a bloke doing some in-play gambling of some sort - he was watching the game unfold and clearly had money on the outcome. Completely on his own, in his own world - watching the game unfold sitting on the bench, phone full blast...

I sat next to him for 5 minutes and got changed, he didn't even notice I was there. The only time he came alive was when the outcome he had hoped for didnt come in and he started throwing things around the changing room ?

It was a harrowing experience for me - to sit and watch him - for 2 reasons -

1) that bloke was me 10 months ago. Doing exactly the same thing. Didn't matter where I was, who was around, how I behaved... Once that bet was on that was all that mattered. What he did today was exactly the sort of thing I used to do - couldn't even get changed without getting into the action. I remember I kept my mum waiting in the gym car park for an hour once due to watching a game unfold, when I eventually came out the car park she had driven home without me.

2) forget the money lost and the time lost through gambling - today I witnessed the complete detachment from reality associated with gambling. It was scary to see up close. I could have walked off with that blokes bag, he would never have noticed - he was that immersed in his phone.

Thank god I have woken from the gambling slumber and can embrace reality today. There is so much in the world to see and do and share with others, thank god I don't live in that alternate reality anymore, it looked to be a very lonely place from the outside looking in today.

I'm so grateful that I have a chance at living my life with and amongst others after gambling... I hope that guy is also able one day to come back to us and leave that world behind.

 
Posted : 21st June 2019 11:23 pm
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