NEED PEOPLE... I just need people like you to be there for me right now

Hi signalman

what a great reality check and affirmation you are doing the right thing.  You can hear the sympathy in your words for someone still in there.  Sounds like you really are strong.  I am early into my admission of openness on here about being a cg and facing the problem.  Hearing the likes of you and al is inspirational but you are not responsible for us.  I hope one day my life will be full and gf and my visits will be less frequent and not several times a day which is me atm.

if I can get through this I would want to help others but don’t let our guilt or problems become yours.  Stand as a beacon of light for all us working through it.  Posts like the above were great.  To see you are no longer the man on the bench but off it and playing at real life and not in gambletown.  Ok analogy gone mad noW!!!

thanks for the post

ps my mum would have done the Same ?

" Good to see you back Goose " :))

Hi

I think a key stage in my recovery path comes today.

When I destroyed my life through gambling I would jump on here for resilience, to relive my pain through the pain of others when the need for a bet arose and for general direction related to the way the path was leading me.

Today, 10 months on - I realise addiction was the primary driver in my gambling behaviour - addiction was the illness, gambling the bi-product. It's reassuring to read people's diaries on here and realise that there are many more people like me, who think like me, struggle like me and make the same mistakes as me... Even if they themselves haven't yet differentiated between addiction and gambling as an acting out of that addiction.

Anyway today I realised that I am, and have been, gaslighted (Google it if you need to, it's an eye opener) in one of my freelance jobs for a long period of time now, today I decided I've had enough.

I reckon I've been aware of it for years, but as someone pointed out to me on here (Al?) us CG's have a tendency to be accepting of pain and injustice that comes our way when in action as a self-inflicted punishment/penalty for the things that we know we are doing that are ghastly and grossly immoral / selfish?

Today I have sat and thought about it for some time, changed my mind a few times, but it boils down to a test of the self-worth I feel I have generated / sought to get back over my recovery journey during the last 10 months, I need to start taking care of myself or the consequences could be disastrous. 

Yes I enjoy beating myself up, I enjoy the pain as a constant reminder of my failures, but this is a test and I will pass and move on to the next module.

I am going to leave that job and find a new/more fulfilling one to fill the gap. It's frightening and daunting as I am in a shitload of debt, it pays well and works well around my other job, so ultimately a new freelance job will probably mean a cut in wages - but one think I've been harping on about since I've been on here is my changed relationship to money so let me put my money where my mouth is now. You can't put a price on your mental health right? And mine is being trampled on in my current role. Sadly some of the people doing it are in executive positions, it's a culture of the workplace that they cultivate from outset to control people, I look at those who have put up with it for years due to the money and they are broken and socially inept, sorry souls... I don't want to end up like them. I have a young boys future to think about, my boy.

This is not about the need to place a bet anymore but I'll tell you this - last year when I pressed the destruct button I can now see that in part, the years of gaslighting from people in this workplace contributed to my breakdown. Of course I'm not blaming them for my gambling, I've been problem gambling for well over a decade... But now I see that I had a long, clean period UNTIL I started that job and the gambling started to rear its head again shortly after the honeymoon period at that place was over and they started manipulating me. I need to get out of there asap. The search starts tonight. A new role will no doubt affect my main job in terms of availability and earnings but all I can say is now I've committed to this decision I feel a surge of bliss and excitement for the future... This must be a sign that it's the right thing to do.

Take care of yourselves guys X seriously.

Check this quote out:

Don't let someone who did you wrong
make you think that there's something wrong with you.

Don't devalue yourself
because they didn't value you.
Know your worth even if they don't.

I am worried about the whole fight or flight thing in relation to my decision making; am I being a coward by running off...

However last year shortly after my meltdown when I was in the anger phase of my recovery it was happening to me and I fought back and tore people's heads off - through the official lines and 'informally' - as a result I almost lost my job and one person was reprimanded who still works there and has returned to her old ways over time.

As I've mentioned, it's just dawned on me that this gaslighting starts at the top and permeates through the rest of the team over time... So I don't see the point of trying to play the hero again and take them on, even if I were to do so this time in more of a controlled manner. The overarching line manager in all this is disconnected from our service and was extremely useless last time, she is pretty much the only one I could go to for help with this.

And also to point out I this is all definitely impacting and affecting my home life when I am not at work and those around me. It's also exacerbating my mental health issues, although I'm sort of managing it or now, probably thanks to the recovery program, I've come a long way.

I'd just left a quick msg on my thread to you saying I hope all's well, then find 2 huge posts from yourself trying to make some sense of your life ? . 

All I could think of while reading those post's S was that at times like this it's where the " Serenity prayer " really does come into it's own in regard's of what you can and can't do . 

The "Foggy Glasses " that gambling had you wear for so many years have wiggled off of your nose and dropped to the floor now , which grant's you the opportunity to see clearly what's before you and more importantly ahead in the future . 

Your free now mate to do what you need to do and if there's opportunity to do so ,then grab it with both hand's my friend . 

Since I stopped gambling I've also been gifted so many opportunities in life , which had I still been gambling would never have appeared , it's such a different life now S :)) . 

On a lighter note ( you knew there'd be one right ) :)) , the other thing that struck me about your post was the fact that admin allow you to say " Shitload " but not " Cut " but not for much longer as I just pointed it out :((. 

And one more thing was that I was at my local hospital today (nothing serious , Oh dear  what a shame hear you say ? )  waiting in a corridor with other patients to see a consultant when a lady in her mid thirties walked passed , just as she got to the end of the group of waiting people she let out the biggest " f a rt " I'd heard in ages and just said a little oop's and then waived it away , needless to say we all erupted in laughter ( pi.ssi .ng myself ) if I'm honest and began chatting whereas before we were all sat in silence , just goes to show how something so simple can unite folk ???? :)) . 

                " Wherever you be let your wind go free for holding it in will be the death  of  yeeh " :)) xx 

Excellent posts guys- the connection between gaslighting and f arting exposed. Keep up the mindfulness and musings Signalman. Keep those thoughts flowing by the shitload!

Great one Rob , I didn't pick up on the connection ...... Must be getting old :(( 

In all honesty I did indeed google it S , as I heard of it but never bothered to read up on it , I was however suprised to read it was nothing to do with a " Long stick and a candle "  though ........ Ummm ? something else this forums opened my eyes to , thank you gamcare  :). 

Have great evening Chap's !! .   

Posted by: A 9

the other thing that struck me about your post was the fact that admin allow you to say " Shitload " but not " c*t

Alan how disappointing of you to even assume I would use base language of that sort ?????

Posted by: Rob71

Keep those thoughts flowing by the shitload!

I love how we are all exploiting this loophole whilst it's available, reminds me of when my little mates and I discovered numerous copies of the Daily Sport regularly lining the paper recycling bin down the local park (can't remember why we were in there in the first place... Getting fuel to start a little fire perhaps?) ? - ah many joyous evenings spent sitting in the paper bin with my mates and coming of age... Until the local residents complained about the loitering and the council put locks on the bins ?

But still, good times while they were there to be had ??

But seriously now,

Thanks Rob and Alan for your posts. Alan I do enjoy your hospital stories, you always bring us back a story when you visit that place don't you ?

I suppose I am learning to trust myself now... Feel buoyed about the prospect of getting out of that shithole workplace, I guess I need to build on these feelings now and make it happen. 

Life is just too short and moves to quickly, I don't want my boy to be of an age where he sees pain on my face... He is perceptive - I'll never forget when all this first happened and I was looking after him, I was hiding under the bedcovers sweating and shaking at the thought and prospect of going on this journey - he grabbed my face and said "daddy scared". He wasn't even 2 at that point.

Those were some of the first words he ever spoke. He won't be speaking those words again anytime soon... Noone is able to fully control their situation and  destiny but we can steer it certain ways - we always were able to do this, we just didn't realise... I am no longer scared of what may come because I have the controls.

Stop gambling and being a slave to addiction and you get your controls back. What you do with them from there is up to you.

Anyway, better get jobhunting ?

Yes S - by the way I also looked into gaslighting on google, interesting stuff- make a shitload of applications and get out of that shithole!

Okay enough now before I get sent to the naughty corner!

Posted by: Rob71

Yes S - by the way I also looked into gaslighting on google, interesting stuff- make a shitload of applications and get out of that shithole!

Okay enough now before I get sent to the naughty corner!

So we can’t say “s**t” but if we add a hole to the s**t then “Shitholes”ok ? Now if I were a betting man I think admin would have this loophole not to be mistaken for “Shithole “ closed by tomorrow afternoon at the latest . ?hole ?.  It doesn’t take much to please me these days guys as you can see and yes S I do have many tales from the hospital, where on occasion I spend a fair bit of time . I love to people watch these days and take it all in , including the f a rt ?. . I’ve just returned from the Gym and I’m shattered , it’s the last time I wear my shorts though as although I’ve got legs like tree trunks , they are soooo white people were complaining of Snow blindness ?.  It felt good though even if it was full of people who had no right to look that good . Got a smile from a girl but in a “Oh look it’s my grandad “ kinda way . Still ??? . I’ll take that and it might have been more about my ripped surfer son on the other machine behind me.? .   Night all ?. 

So I spent another 2 days lying around feeling sorry for myself - it seems to be the pattern that the moment I get my 2 midweek days off I crumble mentally and am no use to anyone. 

And it happens that I usually work that terrible job on a Monday which takes me into my 2 days off...  ?

Well anyway from the safety of my bedroom I managed to apply for a job and got a first interview next week ? a quick response. I am quite frightened about making a significant change to my life, reducing my income slightly and having to renegotiate terms with my main job to suit this prospective new one. However the terrible job have me where they want me and in turn feel like they are able to treat me however they feel like as a result...

No longer is it healthy for me to be a punch bag.

I am scared of making this move but I understand now that life will forever twist and turn and I have to respond accordingly. Previously gambling and addiction was my response which wasn't an appropriate one at all.

Furthermore I am not being too hard on myself for wasting another 2 days, I am coming to terms with the fact that this is just who I am... I run out of batteries from time to time and as long as nobody gets hurt in the process then so be it.

I cleaned the cat tray out today so at least I did something today anyway ? I'm not that useless then

Also I have a long weekend of work ahead so need to get into a positive frame of mind quicksmart, when I meet with the employer next week I want to tell them that I'm a dynamic, motivated, well-rounded individual who is reliable and trustworthy... So I basically need to 'live it' from now until then so there is some genuity attached to those declarations.

If anyone else has experienced or is being gaslighted in their workplace I tell you that you mustn't tolerate it - we are so vulnerable as CG's, gaslighting to us is like kryptonite to superman. Do something about it - speak to your line manager or take out a grievance - find something else if you are able to but please, do not continue to be a victim of it - it is so deadly to people like us, without your self-worth or self-esteem you are easy an easy target for gambling addiction all of a sudden and those are what gaslighting takes away from you.

Glad I am a member of GA for this reason - like people say in GA - most weeks I don't feel like going but I have NEVER left a meeting room feeling worse than I did when I went in there.

 

I know that feeling mate. It's like joining the gym and feeling reluctant to go. You feel absolutely guilty when you don't go but when do go you feel PUMPED when you walk out after finishing a workout lol. 

How are you mate? Thanks for posting on my diary. Gamban app is still playing up. I really need to get to my act together and send them an email coz it's getting beyond annoying now. Have a great week ahead mate. Take care.

Watching my son play in the garden on his own today - desperate for someone to play with - can't help but feel a heavy heart.

We were supposed to have had another by now, however due to my gambling issues my wife rightfully said to hold off until I'm on more solid ground.

Thank god for gamcare, GA and all the people that have helped me through this journey up until this point, I'm on the right path. Without them the story would have been very different I guess, who wouldve known if I would have even been able to have access to my son today, or even if I'd be around to see him.

So all is not lost I guess, there is still time I suppose - once again today has been a stark reminder how gambling robs you of so much more than just your money. Our future has taken a different turn thanks to my gambling, up to me to steer it back on course now ?✊