NEED PEOPLE... I just need people like you to be there for me right now

If in any way, shape or form I've contributed to your future offspring "S " then your very welcome my friend , I've been associated with many thing's in my life but never before anyone's future " kiddiwinks " and can only compare it to how a" Sperm Donor " must feel . 

Thank's mate you've made my day  and enjoy the practice :)) x  

Posted by: A 9

enjoy the practice :)) x  

?????

I have observed more people than usual on here tumbling back into the grips of gambling since the weather has turned so decent (some with decent day counts behind them). I wonder if there is a physiological link between addiction, dopamine levels and change of seasons? (I guess it could work the other way)

If anyone happens to be looking for a thesis to research then take it, it's all yours! Send me a copy when it's done!

Yes there is definitely something in that SM. I am sure and I think it can work the other way round too. I’ve had my worst relapses in the winter I think. Although I am pretty sure they may also have occurred in Spring, Summer and Autumn too... I am determined not to fall. I just couldn’t handle it again. 106 days and counting.

Hi 

Thank you guys for posting on my diary. It's great to hear from you both and your thoughts are very much valued.

The gamban on my phone has been playing up so unfortunately the only way to check if it's functional again after tinkering with it is to click on gambling sites. 

Pleased to report that filled with nausea each time I am having to do this. No longer dazzled by the bright lights and dizzy new heights as the great Mike Skinner would say ?

I don't hate gambling and the industry anymore. I just see gambling per say as a very bad period of in my life. There are so many predatory concepts out there in the world - if I was hating on them all I would simply be full of hate. Not healthy.

I'm just glad I survived it. And became a stronger, more self-aware person as a result.

Going away next week, can't wait ✌️

Take care all x

Wife and kid just gone away for the weekend with in-laws. I'm working all weekend but in past situations like this it's amazing how I would have used the time, to get up to as many things as I could which I wasn't supposed to.

Looking back it almost feels like a delay in emotional maturity - an adolescent mentality. It's nice to be trusted on my own for a period of time, this has only happened once since my day count started and to be honest, it was probably too early for me to be in this situation. 

Previously I would have had no qualms calling in sick this weekend and going on a long bender - not remembering anything from the time, waking up in random places, always managing to make it home in time for their return and always managing to clean myself up and uphold the charade that I'd had a long weekend at work.

Previously I was always willing them away from the home, a play for my independence I told myself - however thanks to character reform I see them as part of me now, watching them drive away left me feeling empty and a bit lost.

We are going away as a family next week, I am really looking forward to that. I am currently more motivated than ever when it comes to life stuff, learning to fill the emptiness with productivity when it strikes.

Incidentally I cancelled that job interview in the end, sometimes when you wake up and see a situation for what it really is, that's enough... A change is not always required. I feel sorry for the people I frequent at that workplace, they behave in a certain way and the general pattern is that they are all lonely and lost. 

Working there is more like a self-inflicted penance for me now. I could leave whenever I want to but for now it is a regular reminder to keep trying at life and doing all the basics to the best of my ability (being respectful, honest, trustworthy etc)

Besides, I could end up in a job that's a whole lot worse.

Great weekend to you all x ✊

You know S I get that completely. I am older than you but have stayed and still, for the main, remain, in a state of emotional immaturity. My Mrs and step daughter have gone away for a week and a voice inside of me is telling me to get up to all sorts, yet I know that is just covering up some deeper loneliness and sadness inside me and our relationship. So I will focus on work this week and try and be just a little bit grown up.

i remember once I was home alone for a couple of  weeks on the basis that it would have been too expensive for me to go away too. In the first few hours I was left alone I managed to gamble far more than it would have cost to have jumped on that plane. Ridiculous.

You have come so far in your life changes. It really is impressive. I am still struggling to change but at least I am not gambling and although I avoid myself and hide from reality at least it is not getting worse through artificial highs and lows.  I also struggle with knowing I am in quite a bit of debt but I know that won’t be forever.

Your posts make me look at myself. Keep on, even when life isn’t always beautiful. Thanks.

Posted by: Rob71

i remember once I was home alone for a couple of  weeks on the basis that it would have been too expensive for me to go away too. In the first few hours I was left alone I managed to gamble far more than it would have cost to have jumped on that plane. Ridiculous.

A powerful statement rob - thanks for the painful and brutally honest share, stuff like this is the main reason I continue to access Gamcare really, I need to be reminded of things like this, things I have also done, from time to time in order to stay on top of things and not succumb to complacency.

Before I did stuff like this but even in the aftermath I refused to accept I had a problem and an illness, instead thinking I was just 'massively unlucky' that day - victim mentality - an extremely immature stance for a grown man to have. 

If convince myself that if that goal had gone in or he'd won that tie-break things would have been completely different and even patted myself on the back for getting 'close but no cigar'... Far easier to do this and leave the door open for the next gambling spree than admit I have a hellish problem on my hands and need help desperately.

So newcomers, always remember how courageous and brave you're being by throwing in the towel and accepting you have this problem and need help. Acceptance and the consequent breaking of the cycle is an extremely gutsy and difficult move, the act itself is like moving a mountain, be proud - stand proud in the mirror, regardless of the current debt and heartache, things will eventually get better if you stay on this path, slowly and surely.

At church today - theme was 'loving oneself' - links very much to the conversation myself and Rob are having - family go away and the first thing I thought of doing was self-harm in various possible ways. It's taken me a year to start even just liking myself again - I started recovery to stay off a bet, didn't realise that tied in with that would be the potential to value myself again and take myself seriously.

I've kept busy at work this weekend and have prepared my schedule for next week so I keep busy leading up to the holiday. I used to gamble loads leading up to a holiday because the preparation part got me stressed, again immaturity and escapism...

Ongoing self-awareness is so key in all this X

Take care all x

As I approach a year gamble free I feel rather ambivalent about the whole thing... Not sure if it will be a day for celebration or a day for mourning...

Ask me next year and I'll give you a more definitive answer.

Gambling addiction (profit and loss):

Profit:

Increased perspective

Improved relationships with wife, son, family and work colleagues

Increased self-awareness and understanding

Unshackled myself from other addictive tendencies

Positive outlook for the future

Pride (in my response to the situation - breaking the cycle)

Ability to self-care

Life experience (albeit earth-shattering at the time)

New friends from GA

Places to share my feelings, be heard and learn from others (GA, gamcare)

A program to follow which gives me the opportunity to slowly reconfigure old patterns of behaviour (GA)

Ability to co-exist in general society (sort of - nevertheless a big winner for me)

Loss:

A shitload of money (up to my ears in debt). Will owe my wife a load more after that debt is cleared

Self-esteem / self-worth

Drive/motivation

CONFIDENCE (a big loss - apprehensive about even being left on my own for any given period of time)

Friends (since entering recovery I have disbanded from old social groups)

Self-respect

Trust of my wife

Prospects (work to the house, the opportunity to study again) - linked to financial losses (savings)

Financial independence (wife manages money - blocks in place)

Having said all this if someone had shown me what life would have been like a year after on the day I destroyed it I would've banked it every time.

THANK GOD I DIDNT GAMBLE AGAIN.

Anyway - I suppose with everything in life there comes profit and loss... All these concepts are new to me. Such a novice when it comes to living properly ?

Oh another loss is the ability to decision make with conviction rather than be dictated by self-doubt.

I'm hoping that will return over time ?

Posted by: signalman

As I approach a year gamble free I feel rather ambivalent about the whole thing... Not sure if it will be a day for celebration or a day for mourning...

The old gambler in me would always say "If i can just stop for a week, month, until next payday.... " etc. It was a fantasy that was all about how can I slightly repair my finances to start gambling again, no because of that I won't be celebrating.

But maybe its not a day for celebration or mourning anyway - but perhaps time for a little reflection.

You (we) have emerged from a horrendous addiction, you see the number of people who sign up to this site & disappear, or relapse and know that it is hard, really hard. It's an achievement just to get through a day on occasions & it may only take one small lapse to set off a destructive spiral

You have the rest of your life ahead of you, life is immeasurably better not gambling......and you have the wisdom & strength to know that we are never "cured" and we can't go back.

On another note, I haven't seen Alwalm for a couple of weeks which worries me a little, does he still go on the chat ?

K2

Hi Ken

Great to hear from you and great as always to have you in my corner.

You're not wrong - reading fresh stories of heartache and pain on here is like a dagger in the side to me... I wish I could do more to help aside from words but alas - the individual is ultimately in charge of their own destiny.

A definite reminder how far I've come though.

Looking to push towards farther reaching boundaries now - in terms of how I use my time and how I interact with people. Also re-evaluating and hoping to improve my role as a father and husband.

Watch this space ?

Thanks for the motivational message. Al is back and about - he posted a really powerful message which really stopped me dead in my tracks today.

Take care mate ?

Was driving along a winding country road earlier and I sneezed and narrowly missed ditching my car. 

When gathering myself afterwards I had a flashback of a couple of years ago, using the same country road while in-play gambling on the tennis, phone in one hand, steering wheel in the other.

6 month old son in the back... ?

Absolutely mental times, they really were. So glad these times are behind me.

A week's holiday tomorrow. Well earned, well deserved. Can't wait to spend some quality time with my family ✌️

Take care all x

Away with family this week.

Weather nice, having a great time. 

It's hardly the cruise liner we went on last year with gambling money but hey, I'm just so grateful my wife and boy are enjoying themselves and he is made up to have met some of his cousins here at the resort and loves spending time with them. Nice to him making new friends too at the cabarets.

Self-pity is a big thing to get over when recovering from gambling addiction. I never really got it before, feeling sorry for yourself feels so good! Ha ha, however the point is life is going to keep moving whether you like it or not, you need to embrace it at some point. 

My mood wavers as a result of my depression but when I'm good I've learnt to just get on with it. Ruing on what could have been, should have been, would have been... Listen - life will continue to move and people around you will continue to want you and need you, they want the present person, they want the best person you can be in that moment... Forget the rest.

I used to date a girl at school who went on to become a TV executive... Hey I would have been minted now if I'd stayed with her... Unfortunately I copped off with her best friend. Could have been a different life for me.

However I was always going to be an addict. It was always going to end up this way for me. My wife has stuck around to help me rebuild my life. Thank god I married the person I did! Could have been a different life for me.

 Forget the rest, just stay present x self-pity is just addiction trying to get back in.

Posted by: signalman

Was driving along a winding country road earlier and I sneezed and narrowly missed ditching my car. 

When gathering myself afterwards I had a flashback of a couple of years ago, using the same country road while in-play gambling on the tennis, phone in one hand, steering wheel in the other.

6 month old son in the back... ?

Absolutely mental times, they really were. So glad these times are behind me.

A week's holiday tomorrow. Well earned, well deserved. Can't wait to spend some quality time with my family ✌️

Take care all x

 

The things we do Signalman ! Absolutely insane.

I hate those flashback moments - except it does remind you how abnormal our behaviour was.

Have a great holiday - nothing beats times spent together.

Hi Signalman,

Nothing much to report, no significant events or relapses,just to say thanks for listening last 11 months & helping me when the chips were down. Hope all's well & you're family are well. Sometimes it's nice just to say hello to the people that matter.

Kind Regards

AL