Hi, I am new, have posted on the new members section but now feel ready to explore a little. I am a married mum of 3 gorgeous grownups, good job, loving husband, yet, for the past 5 years I have been gambling online, slots have been my demon of choice. Chasing losses became such an addiction for me, it all came to a head last week when I was arrested for card fraud, using someone else's card to pay bills, bailiffs and gamble. I am devasted, my secret is out to my husband and kids and parents. I am a horrible person, feel worthless and ashamed. My husband is being as supportive as he can, he has his own mental health issues, he is rapid cycling bipolar, my problem seemed to begin when he was going through a particularly hard time, not working, his brother had just died, his bipolar has a proper grip on him. I Don to now exactly how that meant I would gamble, I just signed up for one site, won 300 quid and thought, that's not bad, I will do that again! Fast forward 5 years and I would gamble my wages after paying the rent and then borrow off my mum and others to get through the month!
Then point I am trying to make to myself is that years ago, my ex husband was violent and aggressive all thebtime we were together and my form of self control at that time was bulimia, I also found it difficult to stop that behaviour, I wonder if I have just changed the way I deal or cope with stress/problems in my life. Believe when I say that I don't want to try and explain my behaviour in a simplistic way, I just wonder if this is all down to deep routed problems I have never dealt with.
I have been referred from the helpline for counselling, my husband wants to get that too. I believe I am making the right steps, please let me be strong enough to beat this!!
Hello KezH,
Welcome to the forum. I think for sure getting to the root of the real issues in your life (like everyone else here) is the main focus once practical blocks have been put into place to make the habit part of acction as hard to be the "go to action". Recovery is far more than fixing any money issues it has caused along the way or just not gambling. Addiction becomes a method of self harm/controlling, depriving ourselves of any self worth. We have to get to the bottom of the "why" we gamble to truly recover. Counselling will help you with this, and stopping gambling will, after a while lift you out of the chaos addiction creates in our minds.
I started to eat more once i stopped gambling. Again i think this is another way of punishing myself and gambling is no longer an outlet i allow to be open to express myself through. I am however now, much more aware of my actions and the reasons and consequences of them. Im learning to take back control of all areas of my life. It takes time but i am already happier within myself.
Getting support for both of you sounds like a good idea. Give recovery a chance and give it your full focus. There is a way out, take the help and work through it.
Say active on here. There are many good people have been where you are and will help you with pretty much everything you are feeling or going through.
All the best.
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