It's not my fault!

Hi Phil I'm with you. It's very frustrating. Plus people don't like the advice, ignore you, go off in a huff. They aren't willing to look at themselves and what they did. They made that choice. It's about responsibility. Own it. I've lived with a cg for 20 years, took him until last year to give in. Still taking him forever to change. The longer it goes on the longer recovery. It's all about denial too. It wasn't me it was them. I'm still looking for my wand that's going to take me back to the beginning! It's a difficult process. I also think some newbies think we've been here forever or are some kind of professionals. We're all trying to get through the day. Gambling is designed to be addictive. But it's big business and if they can't see that they bought into that then they're not ready. I'm almost tired of giving advice. Realistically what support are they looking for? I've learnt so much from this forum. If you look in the right places all the help you need is right here.

Hi MGR,

Thanks for your post, it's nice to get an opinion from the 'other side of the fence' as it were.

I agree with the frustration of giving advice, particularly to new members. You see a post that someone has written is desparation, begging for help and advice so you go to great lengths to share your experiences in the hope that it helps. You then check the forum in a few days and you were the last poster on that thread so you know it was all in vain. I don't give up though as, at the risk of sounding like a self-righteous twit, you might just help that one person who is really ready to help themselves.

Of course gambling is designed to be engaging/addictive, why wouldn't it be? You wouldn't create a new drink that tasted foul would you as people would only ever buy it once. This is big business and, whilst morals may be questioned, legally they are doing nothing wrong. FOBT's, adverts, staff, lack of support, prevelance of promotions, it's all irrelevant and allowing people to blame these factors (and even AGREEING with them) is a huge disservice to anyone trying to quit.

I remember a couple of times writing long posts giving advice that worked for me, only to be met with 'I don't want to do that'. No, I didn't WANT to do it either (telling my wife, self-excluding from bookies, even talking to the landlord of my local...none of it was fun) but it's all practical advice based on experience.

Again, this sounds like a rant (and there's probably a good reason for that) but it's important and everytime I see a thread like this:

"

New Member: "I'm at my wits end, I've just lost my rent money in FOBT roulette and don't know what to do. I was betting black but hit 6 reds in a row, I can't believe how rigged these machines are, it's not fair and the staff did nothing to stop me from blowing all my cash"

Reply 1: "Yeah mate, you're right, they're so rigged, can't believe they're allowed, they need to be banned. Staff should do more and get you to stop when you've lost so much. I wish they'd all just shut down and gambling should be illegal. It's wrong how they cheat you out of money"

New Member: "Thanks mate, yeah, I'd love to see all the bookies shut down and the staff out of work, cheating us out of money is wrong"

"

...I give up a little hope.

It is the responsibility of regular posters and those who have been through it (including relapses) to offer genuine support to new members. I don't (and never would) claim to be the oracle or have all the answers but offering experience and, if all else fails, referring them to GamCare etc. is always going to be a more constructive first step than just extending a rant and deflecting blame.

Thanks again.

* for the record, the odds of hitting 6 reds in a row (as-per my hypathetical rant) is only 1-in-64 so, if you played every day, this is liable to happen 5 or 6 times a year, hardly cause to call foul play.

While I totally agree with every point you raised, Phil, it helps to remember that some people would never be mature enough to face the consequences of their own actions, gambling addiction is irrelevant. Given the diversity of people appearing to be affected by gambling is a little wonder some of those mentioned above make their way to this forum from time to time. I may not have been around here long but intend to stuck even if it’s just for reading. 41 days ago, I read all the advice on how to tackle this madness and I must say not every advice I read sat well with me, but I did it anyway. It wasn’t overnight, but in stages over a few days whilst trying my hardest to abstain. So far is working, but I never blamed anyone for my own mistakes and take full ownership of any negative consequences I contributed to

Hi Phil83

Interesting comments, I am a relatively new member of 1 month, Don't think your help and advice is wasted on everyone, I have taken all the steps needed to help me and joining this site was the best thing I did. A part of me wished I had joined sooner but I guess I was'nt truly ready to quit. I am certain now, that unless a person is 100% ready to quit, they won't and they can think of all sorts of excuses to carry on. Many people who are truly committed to quitting will have benefited from the forum and taken the advice offered by people like yourselves, so your advice is not in vain.

My problem was the fobt's roulette and no other form of gambling, so I speak from experience. I am a reasonably intelligent man who knows the machines are there to make money for the bookies, yet I was stupid enough to continue playing knowing that fact.

I'm not a regular poster here but read the forum every day, especially the new posters. I have seen many posts talking of going back to chase losses, the machines are rigged etc. My vast experience of going to a bookies is to be offered a hot/cold drink while I am playing and thats it. occasionally offered a free go on a new game but generally left alone. The staff are most likely on minimum wage so what incentive do they have to hassle people into playing more, i've never seen it. The reality is, nobody is holding a gun to our heads making us play, the responsibility lies with us to be accountable for our actions. I lost that control and accepted I had a gambling problem. From there I have been able to move forward.

The gambling industry has become more accepted and even seen as 'cool and trendy' these days with ex football players advertising football bets etc. The government bans alcohol and tobacco advertising in sport but replaces them with gambling companies sponsoring snooker, darts etc. As if gambling is better for us than smoking and drinking, laughable. Not to mention the endless commercials for online gambling companies.

Ultimately, the responsibility lies with the individual, if a person is losing so much money gambling, that it is having an effect on their relationships, ability to pay bills and having an affect on their general well being, they will admit to themselves they have a problem and will seek help, that of course, easier said than done.

Thanks

Hi Phil,

It's a really important point make and a debate that I agree with you on. I think a lot of new posters are here for the quick fix, a rant but often do not want to take the steps necessary to stop. Most make their initial post, read a few responses, say thanks then come back a few weeks later to say they have relapsed. I think the bit they frequently miss is to take full responsibility for their actions. I often say no one is forcing us to gamble with a gun to our heads. It is really what are WE doing to stop us gambling, not the gambling industry or those around us. A successful recovery takes a lot of thought, appropriate use of the time, money, location triangle and commitment. Taking responsibility and forgiving ourselves is for me essential. That stops chasing losses and looks forward. If nothing changes in terms of recovery then the same patterns happen. A couple of weeks off is not a successful recovery as the problem is still there. Gamblers need to understand that they cannot gamble ever again as it is progressive and a quid gamble after a year of abstaining will soon progress to old habits or even worse.

In terms of help, I've always said the industry is reactive, not proactive and there should be more initial preventative blocks to gambling. But then who starts gambling and automatically presumes they will have a problem from the get go. The online sites and bookies provide a service where people can gamble, have fun and use it as entertainment. The problem is those like us who take it to the extreme, lose control and then potentially ruin their lives. Should the casual gambler who can control it be punished due to the few who cannot control it? Maybe not........but should the industry allow people to get that far? I feel maximum bets are way to high and gambling is readily available. I also feel that gambling adverts glamorise too much but then at the end of the day they are just advertising their product, which for many is a casual thing.

When people lose money, my self included, they are forced to experience a whole range of emotions that they probably wouldn't have to. We all think about the euphoria of winning, but not the rollercoaster that follows when losing......which will always happen in the long run. Gambling sites will never advertise their product as something that could destroy your family, make you lose your possessions and sanity. If it did you would never play in the first place. Similar to cigarettes, we know the danger but many still continue. There is no advertising with them so maybe gambling advertising will get stopped.......but probably once we are all better educated as to the dangers which could take generations.

It's a tough one........I will always feel that ultimately it is up to the gambler to take responsibility, take the wealth of support available and take back control of their lives. In terms of prevention, more probably needs to be done, but we have a long way to go in this country. I know America have banned online gambling so you need to go to a casino to gamble with actual money. I think it is too lose the value of money and it becomes a figure on a screen. But if you want to gamble, even with no adverts, more stringent checks on identity and lower limits, people will still find a way to gamble.

I've hit just over 2 years gf and my attitude to gambling has changed. I dislike the industry so know to stay away from it.......but really that is through my own personal experience of it. But I will always keep up blocks for life as I know how progressive the addiction is and I never want to back in that place two years ago. But importantly I have the recovery that is right for me......so I took the reactive nature of gambling very seriously. I took responsibility, some support (one sessions arranged my gamcare), forgave myself and moved on. I think I did try to blame the industry at one point early on but that was me looking for a justification. I was to blame.....so I took responsibility. .

Anyhow, caught me rambling......great post Phil!

All the best,

Abet

I think there's a high proportion of new posters who are here for a rant and a soothe before gambling on. It's patently obvious they don't want to hear what it takes for successful recovery or about putting in the hard yards to achieve it. Far more palatable to hear a few war stories and there theres.

As for the cheating aspect the industry was historically seen as a bit of a sleaze-fest with a back street reputation (and presence) by the vast majority of society. Deregulation has had the poisonous effect of allowing the bookies to normalise it and to promote it as a form of entertainment thus drawing in thousands who would otherwise never have been aware of the latent problem within. A kind of double whammy if you like.

I was reading articles in an old town nostalgia magazine from the later 1800s to early 1900s where gambling was mainly seen as a sinful and shameful thing to do. There would be reports that some naughty person was seen gambling or frequenting a gambling den.

So we can see from that how the great marketing exercise starts and attitudes are relaxed. The deregulation is based on an acceptance that it is" fun" or "entertainment".

I generally agree with what is being said on the thread but I dont accept it is all the fault of the gambler. Yes we have to bear the brunt of the responsibility in recovery but I didnt put those machines there from the times when they were first produced. I didnt invent and put that machine in the chip shop so they must take responsibility for their actions.

They are extremely addictive and I was hooked within an afternoon. Simply hooked in a way nothing else in that sleepy village was offering me. The buzz was an instant attraction and I sneaked out again the following day with a pocket full of coins.

The people that design these things know what its all about and I feel a significant proportion of blame rests with them. Ok we can talk about me ignoring the odds and lacking any sense but there is more to it than that.

Yes I looked at myself and realised I was always had a vunerable personality towards that style of gambling. A drifter, a loner and a depressive but I needed to seek other answers rather that quick fixes which were actually dangerous

I firmly believe that people need protecting from such machines to the point of a total ban on them

Best wishes to everyone on the forum

Hi

Being accountable is a sign of a healthy maturity.

Why then when I walked in to the recovery did I not feel responsible for my unhealthy actions.

Why then when I read   the twenty questions did I not feel responsible for my unhealthy actions.

The addictions and obsessions were a form of escape from people life and situations.

Why then did I fear being honest to myself, and this fear of being honest came from my child hood.

As a child when ever I was honest I was punished for it.

I associated being honest was painful experience.

In the recovery program by being more and more honest I found my fears reduced.

I by the way am a non religious person.

Over time I had twenty yeses to the twenty questions, the twenty questions never changed, I over came my fears of being honest.

As my fears reduce my trust grows.

As I get more honest with myself I get accountable to myself.

The saying that honesty is the best policy, what does that mean.

As I become more myself no pretence no facades no walls of fear to protect my hurt inner child, no more deceptions no more person pleasing, my motives being healthy, to give of myself unconditionally, what you si what you get, that is my honesty today.

Can I be honest with out being cruel today.

Blame and justification is not healthy for me today.

Please keep going to meetings, you will benefit from it in so many ways.

Love and peace to every one.

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham