Lying and honesty if you are in a relationship

Hmm

Its a subject that needs talking about but would you not agree that compulsive gambling has gone further than just being able to ride out the loss of half a months wages? By the time people reach for the forum its reached a highly dangerous level

The addiction is so deadly that it can lead to thousands being bet in an instant. It trampled all over any willpower I thought I had. I was never in control when gambling. Thats why it needs to be treated with the fear and respect that it deserves. I think we have found that it can not be casually brushed off in a go it alone style of recovery

Wouldnt it be lovely if people could just summon up some willpower and spare the loved ones any hurt while quickly changing their behaviour. However I know it doesnt really work like that. I looked at my smiling wife and children and knew I would be a man and save them from the hurt.....it doesnt really work like that as everyone comes along for the after effects and ride to destruction

Everyone has to deal with it as they wish. I cant force anybody to do the right thing. I firmly believe that openness and full honesty is needed to tackle one of the deadliest addictions

I used to ride out my losses with secrecy and borrowing which eventually led to my bankruptcy. The concealment is dishonest. I was even lying to myself so what chance would anybody else have had? What hurt are we saving our loved ones from if the debt is horrendous and the stress levels intense? It will all show and people will be found out sooner or later.

I feel the scenario you are leading us to towards is a low level of gambling where somebody snaps to their senses and has some willpower and the fear to stop immediately. Arguably before an addiction takes hold. Maybe in that case the secret could be ridden out for a short while. Its still a hidden secret and not being honest with a partner.

That wasnt me. It took me 40 years and then 10 months after joining the forum to abstain from gambling. I know what you mean about the words recovery and relapse but if anything the words should be stronger because I was suffering from a full blown mental illness....words that many people are very scared of.

So its an interesting debate and I am open to the debate

Best wishes to everyone on the forum

I definitely agree with you JD ("fear and respect" for sure) and totally believe that active compulsive gambling and other forms of destructive behaviour lead to mental health problems and also think your comment about "openness and full honesty" is totally right.

When I stopped gambling I knew I had to tell my wife everything - no-one advised me to do so but I knew I had to because my behaviour had been so awful. The criticism I received was/is incomparable to the disgusting things I did to access money to gamble.

Perhaps people who haven't told their nearest and dearest will do at some point when the time is right for them as I said above. Perhaps they won't. I personally think you should but that's just my view.

For me, even though I knew I was going to have to swallow some bitter pills, there certainly was some relief in getting it all out in the open, re-build a marriage that was definitely on shaky ground, start to be trusted again by friends, re-build self-respect, pay off debts and ultimately stop feeling the self-loathing that came with active compulsive gambling.

Best wishes, Phil.

Hi Phil,

Thanks for your post. There are a lot of parallels I can see with my situation.

My husband came clean to me and although it was a massive shock I'mn so glad he did. I know everyone's situation is different but now it means he is more accountable as I know the signs to look out for - how he got money, where/when he would gamble and the lies he would tell so he could gamble more (said he didn't get a bonus from work, hid payrises, made up tax bills etc).

Obviously if someone wants to gamble they will but coming completely clean to someone (if you are fortunate enough to have someone you can do that with) means it will be trickier to fall back in to that spiral in the future.

..... I hope this is the case anyway!

" I can see why some people who have stopped any destructive behaviour like gambling keep it from their nearest and dearest"

I guess my view is - when do you know you stopped? 90 days? 2 years? 500 days since the last time? When a friend tells you so? Plus, not disclosing a relapse which then escalates will have potentially horrendous consequences on your neareast and dearest lives too.

I think inherently human beings do not like being criticised by a partner, family member, friend, boss etc.

My point about "understanding" was more to do the fear of being criticised, "told off", fear of being left by a partner etc. if you see what I mean?

I know, however, that living a lie is no way to live so being as truthful as possible in my every day life is what I attempt to do.

No we dont Phil but we know its coming. Just that look on my Dads face could sink a thousand ships but I know I had to face it to start healing myself.

The point comes when I was walking home on a cold night skint and suicidal. I had done it again and I didnt really understand what was going on. It wasnt even an addiction realisation at that stage. I just knew I had to act on the advice because I couldnt take anymore of the extinction gambling binges. Something clicked in me that something had to change.

A bad reaction from others is natural. We know we are in for the high jump. I understand why partners leave or threaten to. That is what so dangerous about an addiction that couldnt care less in the heat of the moment. Im still working out how I could stand there and feed two months rent into a machine in just two sessions. Was it me? Do I have a get out of jail free card or did I just think I could walk on water. It makes no sense whatsoever.

I understand why the lies and dishonesty start but they are no good for us and will just eat us up from within. I dont think recovery can start until it all comes out into the open.

Best wishes to everyone on the forum

I’ve gone into relapse plenty of times , my addiction is a secret and I know for a fact that my wife does not recognise gambling as an addiction. If I were to tell her, I would get chastised which would definitely hinder my recovery process. I find it more beneficial to talk about my addiction to a total stranger I.e a counsellor . The first time I spoke to a counsellor, I became overwhelmed with emotions and could not control them. Nevertheless , just speaking about it helped me, it made the problem real. I’ve been so isolated with my addiction, in a way, I feel ashamed to tell anyone about it as no one in my circle really recognises it as a serious condition .

You really need to talk that through ThroMoney. Does your wife just think you are being greedy and silly with money fullstop? Are you in a loving relationship where you feel she could be helpful and supportive?

This is a major problem in many cases because I feel that partners do need to begin to understand it is a complex addiction.

I do believe a born again moment involves openness and honesty with everyone around us. There is ultimately no shame in admitting something got to us and we lost control.

You must deal with it as you wish to but I do find it sad when you cant tell a partner. However I do have to mention that there is a fear of admitting your losses and secrets are not good for you.

I do understand because for many years my parents just thought I was a greedy stupid, foolish, idiot for gambling. Yes I was in a sense but they refused to see any further than that. They took it personally as if I was always just trying to hurt them and refused to control my money or hang on to it. They tended to feel that I was just sticking two fingers up to everybody and having a twisted laugh.

I know that there was far more to the addiction than just being greedy and silly with money. I was addicted to the escape and trance feelings of playing.

Gambling is a recognised addiction and there are whole medical text books written on it. Im not saying your partner can cure you and Im not blaming her but I would have thought she could start to learn a bit about the addiction.

Best wishes to you

Being prepared to lie to a partner, or indeed to lie, is about personality and values, it’s about who you are and the personality traits and behaviour of a practising addict aren’t pleasant. Amongst other traits, practising addicts lie.

Recovery via Twelve Steps involves bringing about a change of personality, values, thought processes etc. Becoming the sort of person who won’t lie because they’re fundamentally honest involves becoming the sort of person who won’t use and lie about it.

The same person will use/ drink/gamble again.

CW

+edited to remove details of betting*

The above is not rational thinking, I went through this today , I was a milli second away from placing a bet, the urge was overtaking me. This is my third week off gambling, today boredom took over me and the urge was stronger than ever. Edmund lost the match, and the urge lost its match too. I stayed away. This is so f*****k I n g hard!!!!

Hi

I understand that my fears were due to pains of my past not healed.

I understand that I lied because I feared rejection and abandonment.

The recovery program helps us abstain from unhealthy habits.

Once we abstain from unhealthy habits we exchange our unhealthy habits in to healthy habits.

Getting motivated was very hard for me.

Often people will abstain from one unhealthy habit and go to another unhealthy habits.

That is very common.

It is important to learn and understand our emotional triggers.

For me emotional triggers were pains I could not heal.

For me emotional triggers were fears I could not reduce or face.

For me emotional triggers were my frusutrations because of my high expectations of people life and situations.

For me emotional triggers were loneliness.

For me emotional triggers were boredom.

By having high expectations of people life and situations, I was in effect hurting myself adn causing my self lots of pains.

Only when we can be completely honest with our self can we be  completely honest with others.

Group therapies help us reduce our fears and our trust grows.

Group therapies help us articualte our emotions and feelings and our unhealthy reactions.

Using wording such as healthy or unhealthy was a help for me.

Love and peace to every one.

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham