Hi
The longer I stuck with attending meetings my fears reduced. My honesty grew and I saw many more ways to become healthier and my trust grew in me.
I use to think that by abstaining from my addictions I would become happy and content.
The question I asked of my self was what were my feelings and emotions after giving my money away wasting time and effort and feeling I had no choice but to lie.
The pains in my life caused fears in me that I did not understand.
After some time in my recovery I went to meetings for my self.
After some time I found handing over finances made my abstaing much easier.
In time I not only got to trust my self with money but I started to value money.
Wanting to pay back debts far to quickly was not healthy, I was in effect not allowing my self and my family enough finances to live on.
Understanding that my addictions and obsessions were a form of escape, with those fears and anticipations came what we refer to as the buzz. Sadly it was fears stress and anxiety that I was causing my self.
In time my fears were so high and over whelming that I use to go in to panic mode where I was unable to think things out clearly.
At the high of my panic attacks making decisions seemed so impossible.
The first half of the steps is all about my self and over coming my fears, one we reduce our fears there is less chance of going in to panic attacks.
In time I got to understand that pains in m life caused fears I did not understand, by me having my very high unreasonabale expectations of people life and situations I was in effect hurting my self.
By being a loner living in guilt and shame, I was reliving in the pains I casued my self and other people.
For me I got to understand at one time I could not help my self but escape in my fears and my addictions.
I was in effect a very unhealthy emotionally vulnerable person who was consumed by living in panic mode.
Once I settled in to the healthier meetings and started to give therapies I was able to articualte what my feelinsg and emotions were.
In time I gave up talking about money lost and time wasted, I also gave up talking about the adrelaine rush, once my fears reduced I could be more honesta dn open with my self.
The risk taking was only about the gambling but it was also about stopping risk taking of every type.
Giving up smoking, giving up getting drunk, giving up calling my self names, giving up being aggresive and confrontational.
Then the biggest impact was to write down my needs my wants and my goals.
To no longer do things resentfully, to not be able to compliment my self, or others.
Today I understand that when I show appreciation and gratitude I am expressing how important people and things are to me today.
When I show appreciation and gratitude it is an expression of my healthy values today.
The reason I go to meetings today is as important as day one was, the fact I have not gambled in over 30 years is so important in my life today.
By attending the meetings I understand even more about my unhealthy emotional triggers.
Today is less reacting in unhealthy ways and more about healthy interactions with all people.
I did karate for over two years, then after that time I understand that I stilll had my fears of agression and confrontations.
In my childhood my father use to lash out agressively because he was unable to heal his pains or reduce his fears.
In my recovery I got to understand that due to the pains of the past my parents lived in so many fears.
I also go to understand that when they were not at home I felt both emotionally and physically abandoned, yet when parents were at home because of their emotional fears they could not have healthy emotional intimacy with me.
The consequences of being unhealthy we live in guilt shame and regret because we are not able to heal our pains.
One woudl question why it took so long to understand that I was a very emotionally vulnerable unhealthy person.
I was not evil bad or no good I was just a very emotionally vulnerable unhealthy person.
How many times did I think that suicide was the only answer for me, I tried to take my own life when I was just a teenager, I woke up the next morning after taking lots of tablets and I was completely again dissapointed at myself, how bad is it that I am not even able to end my own life.
Being in recovery has made me aware of how much potential I have in my life and my self today.
I have declined promotions in my work many times over.
I think that by me being dedicated to my recovery over the last 53 years have been the best investment I Have put in to my self.
Love and peace to everyone.
Dave L
AKA Dave of Beckenham
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