We discovered in Feb this year that our 21yr old son has developed a gambling problem. He’d done the odd bet in the past but it seems to have become a problem in Sept last year when he had a football injury and couldn’t work. He took several loans out Oct - Dec and we discovered the issue in Feb.
Since then, he’s had some gambling counselling (which wasn’t great and has now stopped) and as his mum, have also taken over most of his finances, except one account.
There’s been relapses along the way and we’ve reached a point where the last money account he manages is going to be closed this weekend. He’s self employed so some payments go direct to him via bank transfer as well as cash so it’s a daily battle.
There’s so much to unpack, but my main question today is, is there a pre-paid debit card available that only WE can add funds to, that also blocks online gambling accounts?
thanks
Hi Sayna,
As a son to a father who doesn’t know about my addiction, I appreciate how you are dealing with your son’s problems and want to help him overcome this addiction.
You can apply gambling blocks to the accounts with the authorisation of the account holder, in addition I would recommend receiving permission to control your son’s finances so he can regain stability. This open dialogue will really help him in his recovery process.
Most high street banks will now work with you to block transactions to gambling sites, and also offer functions where you can control amounts that you can withdraw etc to feel safer in terms of gambling.
Good luck in your journey,
Ted
Hi
It is very sad that you son has a gambling addiction.
Being out of wrk due to injury certainly does not hel him.
I would suggest that the sooner he gets to GA meeting the sooner he can give up that unhealthy addiction.
By me going to meetings took along time and in the end I attended more meetings just to abstain from Gambling.
The most important thing to do is get him to walk in to the meetings as soon as possible.
In your situation I would bride him him , not bully him.
His mum taking over all of his finances is another very helpful thing to do.
Money is the fuel for his addiction.
Each day my wife gave me pocket money which enabled me to have snacks etc.
Recovery should not seem as a jail sentence or punishment.
The gambling addiction is just the symptoms that he has certain emotional triggers.
The gambling addiction is a form of self abuse and it adversely affects so many people.
Let him know that in recovery and time he will not live in so much fear.
Pains cause fear some times we do not know why.
Clean time can not be lost.
Every time I went back to gambling helped me understand what last emotional triggers was.
I wish you every success in helping your son find a much healthier life.
Next Thursday I celebrate 32 years not gambling in Calgary, Alberta, Canada
It took me along time to learn hw to live amuch healthier life.
Healing love and peace to every one.
Dave L
AKA Dave of Beckenham
@pqzglfcbvy first and foremost I m sorry that you are experiencing this.
If you are a parent you suffer for your child and knowing where to draw the line in support is hard.
You can get banking blocks for gambling transactions.
For me the best solution was to get a bank card and have my wife to scratch off the security number. It means that I can have a card to pay for every day essentials but can't make any online purchase to any casino.
A gambling addiction is pure hell. You need to look to restrict any possible potential to gamble.
Having said this, you can't do this on behalf of anyone else... If they want to gamble they can... And that's on them not you.
@thebean thank you for your response. Scratching the 3 digits off the back is an awesome idea as it means he can still use contactless for petrol and an ATM but it also restricts online payments.
Currently I have access and manage all his other accounts except this last one, so if we close it, I can get him a separate current account with Halifax (separate from his bills account which I manage and he doesn’t have the card for), and we can click the “restrict” gambling payments toggle on the card for this new account.
He doesn’t have password access to his Halifax and I don’t want to give him access to the Online app, as he could access his bill account too - which he did clear out before I took control His main pushback may be that we won’t have any visibility of how much he’s got in his new account. Any thoughts how to get around that?
@whykaz87d6 thanks Ted. I think we’ll work with the Halifax as we can apply a gambling block to the card from that.
@gadaveuk Hi Dave, wow thank you for sharing your story. He tried a gambling counsellor but didn’t really get on with it Last week he started with a different counsellor. While she’s not a gambling specialist she is someone he went to when he was 12 so I’m hoping the familiarity from then will help him open up.
I agree that I think the gambling (also some drug abuse) are symptoms of an underlying issue. He’s got dyslexia, Tourette’s and a few years ago was diagnosed with general anxiety disorder.
We’re due to meet another psychiatrist next month to seek a 2nd opinion as to whether there’s something else like ADHD or Bipolar underlying. Either way he’s extremely depressed and it’s heartbreaking to see him so unhappy.
@pqzglfcbvy so just to understand. You will have access to all his accounts except the new Halifax one?
I would say that he should give you access to this new one as well. It may feel infantilising for him but it is needed.
If a problem gambler loses 99% of access to money then they will focus on the 1% that they do have access to in order to gamble. I did.
Even with Bank restrictions over gambling it would be better for your peace of mind as well. You deserve this peace as a parent who is helping out so much.
My CBT counsellor advised that I have someone take control over my money for two years minimum. Then look into relaxing any restrictions if I felt I needed it. The point being it can be a long process to regain control. Of course everyone is different some may always need these elements of control in place.
@gadaveuk
I would suggest that the sooner he gets to GA meeting the sooner he can give up that unhealthy addiction.
By me going to meetings took along time and in the end I attended more meetings just to abstain from Gambling.
The most important thing to do is get him to walk in to the meetings as soon as possible.
With respect to you and your experience Dave, I disagree.
It isn't a matter that the sooner someone gets to a GA meeting the sooner they will give up problem gambling. I am afraid there is no guaranteed cure and the change has to come from the person.
Not everyone stops problem gambling through going to GA meetings and many manage stop who have never put foot in one.
I am know GA have helped many but there are many different ways to beat this. For me it was family support (taking control of my money), CBT and being at a place in my life that I just knew I would never control in and couldn't mentally cope with the loses any more.
@thebean no. By getting this additional Halifax account, I’d then have control of 100% of his accounts. He needs to close that last one he has sole control of and move it to Halifax.
as he already has an account there that I control for his bills etc, a separate account will limit his spending to what’s in that new account only (not his bills money), plus I’ll be able to keep an eye on it. He doesn’t have access to the account as I’ve changed the passwords and he can’t access the app.
so I think this is the way to go.
the only issue is he won’t have visibility of how much is in there. Also it won’t stop his applying for credit elsewhere which is what he did late last year. But I do have visibility of his credit report so I can see if he’s applied for additional credit.
@pqzglfcbvy Hi Sarah jane
REally sorry to read your post. Very hard situation to be in.
You love your son but do not know how much to help. I took over finances at one point with my son but that was years ago and bank blocks were not out then. conflict daily gave the job over to my sister to give me a break from it.
Nowdays bank blocks are good. MOnzo is a really good card account. They block any gambling activity for a long period. So my son can purchase on his account and his girlfriend has the app on her phone. Stops all the asking for money etc.
Hope is all goes well but keep talking on the forum, really good support on here.
I volunteer to help people one to one as son is now 18 months gamble free after 9 years of misery for us all.
Patsy
Online Peer supporter
@ofb741hvqs Hi Patsy, thanks for your response. Since I started this thread, things are going downhill as my son doesn’t want to move to the Halifax account as I will see his transactions and he “wants privacy”. he has said he’ll arrange for any work payments from customers to go to the Halifax account, but he hasn’t sent out the email to them yet. He wants to keep his revolut account and see if he can “do it all on his own”.
this really scares me as I know he’s not strong enough. My husband has threatened that if he doesn’t sort it, he’ll kick him out of the house he’s renting off us and that’s a whole other level of pain.
I don’t know where to go from here. I’m not turning over the accounts I have control of to him as I know he’ll dig into them and spend, but it’s a daily battle for him to “bank” any of his business earnings and it’s causing constant conflict.
How did your son eventually start the recovery process after 9 years?
Good evening Sayna /jane @pqzglfcbvy
Sorry for delay in reply
Sorry to hear your continued pain, it is very hard to watch a loved one be gripped in harm from gambling.
Once i stopped enabling by rescuing him, he spiralled. But helping clear debts just means you facilitate them being able to loan more.
My rock bottom was when he stole from my bank account to gamble on roulette. I literally had no emotional energy left and our relationship was very much broken. I did not throw him out against pressure to do so from many.
His rock bottom was about 2 years later when he was about to loose his job , his debts were mounting and he had run out of people to lie to for money. He had no friends or allies left. He felt he no hope.
He surrendered to the life of gambling harm and called Gordon Moody charity himself and 6 weeks later he was in a residential unit that saved his soul. He was simply fed up with it all. Depressed and the gambling gave no buzz or pleasure, just pain. They see the pain that they cause the people they love but the gambling draw is bigger and stronger than their love for you at that time . But the pain they feel is far deeper when reality hits in as they struggle to look you in the eye.
Unfortunately, decision to stop has to be theirs. You can support them when they make that decision.
Looking after me had to be number one in the end as I was about to crash myself and I could not let that happen.
Keep talking to Gamcare and look after yourself , Gamcare was amazing as I used to call and speak to an adviser for help a number of times. A non judgemental ear is so valuable.
Patsy
Online Peer Supporter
We are available 24 hours a day, every day of the year. You can also contact us for free on 0808 80 20 133. If you would like to find out more about the service before you start, including information on confidentiality, please click below. Call recordings and chat transcripts are saved for 28 days for quality assurance.
