Accusing and challenging the BF gambler

Hi budgie77. You need to let it go. You can't stop him. He has to want to stop. If you challenge him he will deny it. Don't ask. It is a vicious circle. It's called the merry go round of denial. If you have his cards and access to accounts how does he get money? If he still has a card then that is a loophole. My cg has no money, no card. He's happy with that because he wants to stop. You need to change your behaviour, then you won't feel like that. Do you have support, counselling or go to meetings. You will go crazy questioning everything, if you have the access you can see withdrawal ask for receipts? It's tough but you are powerless. If you change your behaviour you may see a change in his. As long as you safeguard your money and he pays his share. The 'how dare you accuse me' is common. Don't punish yourself but realise if he doesn't want to stop, he won't. Look after yourself and look at what you can do differently to stop the confrontation. He should be showing you he's stopped in behaviour and money in the bank. Call gamcare and get some advice.

Hi Budgie,

I'm the CG. I have relapsed and stopped several times. last time I promised my wife that I would run any spend past her but I soon found funds/ a way to gamble. Once I had spent £1 I didn't feel able to confess, the ultimatum had been there, gamble again and it's over. We have young children, I couldn't face the marriage ending or not waking up in the same house as my children. Stupidly it didn't stop me though, if anything I used it to excuse my gambling - 'I can't confess or it's all over' so I would chase and chase.

Since my last confession I have been different. Every single credit account I have is accessible by my wife, we have a safe that only she can access, inside which is every passcode, my credit file is set up so that alerts go directly to her. I conduct all and every financial conversation in her presence or in writing so she can read what has been said/ agreed (I've a lot of debt to repay) I have a very very slim chance of saving my marriage because I am choosing to be like this. My wife deserves to know, she never had any money worries until she met me. She told me yesterday that despite me being the main breadwinner and covering the mortgage for the last 10 years she doesn't feel I have contributed to the family finances. Whatever I have contributed I have spent elsewhere. It is hard to hear but also I need to hear it, I need to accept she has that view for a reason.

I don't feel now that in regards our marriage I could never gamble again, I do know if I ever gambled again and did so in secret that that would be game over, no excuses, reasons, justification just game over. - bags packed that night, If I did gamble and I confessed then we would discuss, it might still end the marriage but my only chance would be if I was open. Four months ago you would have described our relationship as toxic and seeing that word is what compelled me to add my two pence worth(apologies if it's not wanted) I would now describe us as very strained but trying. I want to be open, i want to tell my wife everything and that gives me hope that I am on the right path. Never before have I wanted to be like this with anyone. I'm 38 and have gambled since I was 17, I have never been fully open with anyone about my money. My wife grilled me a few days ago as I had four pound coins in my pocket and she didn't know where it had come from. I was and am distraught as I couldn't explain it either (I think we have figured it out now) but we have a very good household income and yet we are talking about £4. That is the level of detail we are working with and as I compulsive gambler I do not want it to be any other way.

Sorry this is soo long! I think you need to decide if he has gambled again, do you still have a chance if he confesses now. If so, tell him that, make it clear that you will support him if that has happened but only if he tells you now. Let him know that if he denies it and you later find out different then it will be over (you need to mean this). He needs to understand that as mentioned by MGR it is the behaviour that is the greater concern.

My wife is struggling with the financial element of my choices, they will effect us and our children for life but above all it is the lies and deceipt that may have damaged us beyond repair.

For the record I have also agreed with my wife that I can no longer arrange 'surprises' - I used to justify absent money on an upcoming surprise ( that either never materialised or had to be funded by cc)

I hope he changes his approach and gives you the peace of mind you deserve.

Access to unaccounted for cash is a loophole. If he's serious about stopping he should want to close it for himself either by providing you with receipts for what he's spent or by carrying no cash at all, preferably both.

Mr L channels his 'allowance' through the joint account I monitor. I see receipts for his spending so I know there's no cash coming out under cover and he doesn't carry even small change routinely. It's all quite doable if the will is there and he should understand why you ask. If he resists or gets angry, be wary.

Having read over and over the lengths that we must go to to support cg's. Do any of you ever ask yourselves is it really worth it? It's like living with a child or adult with learning difficulties (not meant offensively) I hear how hard you all work to support them and the strain must be immense. You must all question whether love is really enough.

Budgie 77 - I totally understand where you are coming from, whenever I raise the subject, which is not as often as I should I feel terrible about it, I hate making him feel ashamed and embarrassed which is how he looks every time it comes up. I feel like the guilt is on me, that I should trust him when I know that's being stupidly niaive. It is a stressful situation, like there is always an elephant in the room. Something has to give eventually.

In my experience, confronting a CG is a fools errand unless you have concrete, irrefutable proof. Such as an entry on a bank statement, or a receipt from the bookies.

Without that (and often with it!), a CG will simply deny it. They can look you in the eye and lie effortlessly. If you just suspect there is gambling going on, confrontations are a waste of effort.

You’re not alone in feeling guilty, i always felt bad asking, I left my cg after several ultimatums that if he did it again it’d be over. I told him if he got help and could prove he had stopped (give me access to his credit reports etc) then we might work things out in the future, I still to this day feel guilty asking him! We shouldn’t feel guilty though, they have caused & created this & if they really want to change then asking about things shouldn’t be a problem x

re Goodbye my husband's post - I threw my cg out of the house when I found out he's relapsed. I was ready to pack his suitcase, call his family members, separate to divorce later and I honestly did really not care about him at that moment. I did not care where he stayed, at friends or in a tent or a car. In that time away he seem to take the steps he needed to to get gambling under control- we' see. I am now thinking I may give it a last go and this is based on benefits/costs balance for me, I do benefit from having him over in helping with practical things as I do have a disability that makes things difficult at times. Yes I'd rather not have to deal with all the extra stuff with money but this is the choice I've made for now for my own reasons and I need to live with the consequences of it.