Advice please

Hi 028kel

I am a recovering CG.

If a CG can access money, he will gamble, as you are aware. Try to put in as many blockades as you can. Monitoring on-line accounts, taking his cards off him, and giving him a daily allowance helps greatly. Do you think he has told you the whole truth re his gambling and any debts he may have?

re ..."doing it for you" counselling. Truthfully, he should be doing it for himself, because by helping himself, he is ultimately doing it for you, your daughter, the family. He can use you and your daughter as a reason for getting help (because he doesn't want to lose either), But he has to want to help himself for his own sake. Some gamblers who first enter GA thru family ultimatums do understand this eventually, unfortunately some don't. If we fix ourselves, we take away the problem within the family, and thus we are helping the family.

As a CG, I lied, deceived and in the end, I stole from a member of my family. We are not to be tusted. As far as liars go, we are right up there with the best! We manipulate family and friends just so we can satisfy our gambling.

I would suggest that you look at attending Gamanon meetings, or ask for some counselling from Gamcare. Make yourself aware of what you are dealing with before you make any decisions re the relationship. Ultimately, you will have to make a decision, and if you do your research, you will be better able to make an informed decision.

Best wishes

I could have written that, pretty much word for word, what you have said, were my worries and fears.

I go to gam anon meetings, which is where I have got my head round this, i think most ocunselling can help, it's not us that needs "fixing", but it is us carryiing the burden, so it helps to be getting the right advice and support.

I'm at apoint where I can wholeheartedly love mr P, trust him with my life, but not my bank cards, Ive got these things seperate now, trust is not a blanket term, i trust my doctor, but i dont love him... i love my husband, but i dont trust him with money. It's ok.

Hi 028kel

Babysitting seems to be quite an apt term for just what will be involved in the early days of his recovery. You will have to monitor him constantly, otherwise you will never know if he is/not gambling.

He is not a smart gambler yet. We are very, very good liars. But we are also very devious. Credit cards, pay day loans, pawnbrokers etc. if I wanted to gamble, I guarantee I could find a way to get some cash, and you would not find out, at least for a while anyway.

It is obvious that he is still gambling, and still wants to. That is where his relationship with gambling stands at the moment. He has to want to stop, and I do mean REALLY WANT to stop befoe you will see any change or progress.

You are being very wise in keeping yourself safe from his gambling activities financially. We have a saying in our GA group..." I haven't done that yet...". This applies to all gamblers, no matter how low they go to finance their gambling, they can, and usually do go lower than they thought they ever would.

Take care and I do hope the counsellor can get thru to him.

Alarm bells ringing in my head too as I'm guessing he only surrendered the card because he lost but maybe this was his rock bottom?

I couldn't wait to hand my finances over once I realised I could never control my gambling & recovery was an option. I didn't take my bank card back for about 3 months & in the midst of celebrating this milestone was immediately walloped with urges which thankfully I was able to resist! You have to give him money to go away & it's no point you worrying what he is spends it on but this is a test for him as to whether he means to recover! I'm pretty sure when challenged you will know if he has gambled or not!

I really don't envy the position you are in now, I'm 7 months away from my wedding & everything that needs to be done has been so I can imagine how far along you are! Rather than signing your house over to your son, can you not consider a pre-nup? It sounds unacceptable that you have to surrender your assets to protect them & heaven forbid you fall out with your son. I'm not suggesting for 1 minute you will but this is a risk you will need to weigh up & I think you should consider some real financial advice!

My mother is a shocking liar too but for me that actually hurts more! I challenge her & she gets all narky with me turning the tables round & making me feel guilty only to fess up weeks/months down the line or pretend we never had the conversation! For crying out loud, I'm a CG, I know what we're like, it makes no sense, why does she have to compound the misery with lies? Why can't she just be honest with me (Grrr)?!?

I am so sorry to hear about your Mum 🙁 This stress alone is enough without it being on top of grief! You are further forwards than you were though & the counsellor sounds great! I hope it all goes well this evening & maybe she can get into his thick (forgive me for speaking my mind) head what a fool he is being!

Stay strong - ODAAT

Hi 028kel

Even tho your GA meeting is not in your county, it will still cost him less in the long run to pay for the petrol to get him there, than if he continues to gamble.

Your counsellor is correct. It will still be hard to recover from the addiction, and he is one of the very, very few gamblers who attempt recovery before debts start to pile up. If he applies himself, you can both look forward to a very happy life. Remember, he can do absolutely everything in life that other people do, except for one thing...gamble.

Bset wishes