Advice please

Hi, Phoenix,

Would it help to reread your diaries?

Even if your son had started recovery, the change to a normal way of thinking would take a long time. He wouldn't be on to Steps 8 and 9 but in time he'd get there and approach you.

Has it really been that long since you saw on Facebook how well he was doing? Is he now going to recognise in full his role in the breakdown of his relationship with his close family? In you approaching him to build bridges instead of the other way round, are you doing for him what he should do for himself?

Finally, if your husband says absolutely not and you approach your son against his wishes, what thanks will you get and is it worth the damage to your marriage?

It's hard but even CGs are advised against testing the waters after a period of calm.

CW

Hi Cynical Wife

You're the voice of reason as always.

It is only a short time since he was on facebook having a blast as he said in the casino, and I rememeber every awful thing he said and did, so Ive no idea why I would think he might of changed. Maybe it was wishful thinking, either that or stupidity.

My husband has made it very clear what his thoughts are on this and Im not sure our marriage could survive another round of drama from my son. We've gone from a very strained relationship back to a great marriage again, and I'm not going to put it a risk.

I miss my son lots but Im going to have to get any ideas like this right out of my head once and for all.

Thanks CW I needed a reality check.

Phoenix, I personally think your son is playing you...It took all of that time to filter through that he was on your doorstep & now he's moved on & you know straight away? He could let you know he is safe but he's punishing you! I get how impossible it feels not knowing but running after him will give him another shot @ manipulating you again. Duncan told me that recovery is for our loved ones as well as us & he was so right! You shouldn't have to but you have to focus on you & the stuff you can control now & get your strength back - ODAAT

I agree with the CW & ODAAT ... you are probably best to leave well enough alone. From my side looking in I don't think a lot has changed with him and communication would set you even further back as you would have gone back on your word.

Keep the faith Phoenix... he may not be ready for recovery right now but it doesn't mean it won't happen. You are doing great and I totally get your wanting to see how he's doing... just keep reminding yourself that you are loving your son the best way possible 🙂

Cathyxxx

Hi

ODAAT, Im sure you're right he is manipualting me, its classic behaviour from him, but I just didn't see it, you would thought Id of learned by now.

Amom, your right nothing much has changed at all, and if I give in now it would be a huge mistake, he'd see yet again that upsetting mum gets what he wants. There's such a difference between how my husband and I react to our son, I worry and get upset my husband is blunt and takes no messing. Our son knows he can manipulate me and not his dad and thats why Im an easy target to him.

Ive been left with anxiety after years of living the way we did and am getting counselling for it and will be for some time to come. I was a mess when he first left but Im doing much better now, but I know I cant go back to that hell, it would be too much.

Its proved to me that its best I don't know anything, ignorance is bliss so to speak, I dont want to know where he is or how hes doing.

Thank you Cathy, its because I love him I have to leave him alone, but it hurts far more than I thought possible

Ann xxx