Advice Please **posted by Jimbo62**

Dear Jimbo62, it is a huge dilemma - I know from experience. My mid twenties son has also racked up losses - first lot just over 5K two years ago, second lot over 20k 8 months ago. On the first occasion we bailed him out totally , we didnt ask to be repaid. When we found out about The £20K, my initial instincts were not to help him as like you, we'd recently retired and money was not so freely available. We had also learnt from experience that it wasn't the answer. In the end though we did bail him out - we took some money out of our pension as the 20k was spread over a number of cards and a bank loan at a high rate of interest (21%). The monthly repayments he would need to make on the bank loan were so high he would have literally nothing left after paying fares to work etc and they were over a 5 year period. So we bailed him out again - but this time he is repaying us on a monthly basis. He was hugely relieved as you can imagine. He started going to GA and says he has found it beneficial. However, he told me last weekend that he has slipped again. This time just under £1K. I am not bailing him out. we have had a full and frank discussion about what I now need him to do. One of the things I've asked him to do is get on this website and look for support / advice on helping to remain gambling free. I am also going to be more involved in managing his money. So, this has been my experience so far - hardly a roaring success I know. I am learning so much though from posting on this website and reading other people's stories so exhort you to do the same. We can compare notes as we travel this very rocky road!

If you are asking for advice... don't lend him the money. He is a grown man and paying the money back with interest is a natural consequence of his addiction. Helping him this way is in fact not helping him at all... it just reinforces the addiction.

I am the mom of a 28 yr old compulsive gambler so I know its hard. I know the threats of suicide are terrifying. I also know we have been doing this for 10 years and recovery was only sought when the pain and consequences of his addiction were felt. Hard yes... but so worth it for both you and your son in the end.

Cathyx

Another who would strongly advise not to lend him the money. Bail outs just tend to prolong the agony for all concerned because they cushion the CG from the consequences of their actions.

You say he is adamant this won't happen again. What practical measures is he proposing to make sure it can't?

Thank you katy55,Amom and Lethe. Your input is helpful and very much appreciated.

To be fair to my son he is taking steps to remedy things - He has seen his GP, explored ways to consolidate the loans to reduce the amount of interest, to no avail, and counselling/support through Gamcare. However £7,000 of the loan was from his girlfriend who he lives with and she definitely could not afford the loan.It is this in particular that is causing some issues between my wife and I as she feels terrible that his girlfriend has been dragged into it and wants to either pay that or pay her and he pay us. At the moment he is worried about destroying credit rating etc and messing upo things in the future as far as rent, mortgage, family. However I think he needs to concentrate on the now and even if it does take time to pay it all off and he ends up with a bad credit rating in a couple of years he should be a qualified accountant and have the capacity to earn very good money. He was in this position previously and sought help and was sure he had sorted things out and then this came totally out of the blue. I think we should not get involved financially as it sends the wrong signals and gives him a fallback position. It also would mean he could in due course obtain further credit to gamble again in the future. However my wife thinks we should do something money wise to help.

At risk of sounding harsh a plummeting credit rating is one of the consequences to his actions that he needs to face up to. A CG won't stop until the pain of continuing to gamble is more than the pain of the often stringent measures they need to take to arrest the addiction. He should be looking at handing over his finances to you or his girlfriend, lengthy preferably permanent self exclusions from every account he has and blocking or doing without the devices he uses to gamble just as a few ideas.

If you do pay off the loan to his girlfriend she needs to be very clear it's the last time that can happen and any further lending is at her own risk. You also need to be aware there's a sizeable risk you may not see your money back should your son not take the measures he needs to to block his access to gambling and funds. CG's will look you in the eye and lie. They are highly manipulative and it would be a very good idea for you and his girlfriend to read up as much as you can about the addiction and where it can lead unaddressed and how to protect youselves.

Make sure you take care of you too. It's very easy to get consumed by it all and run round trying to fix things that he should be taking responsibility for. Truth is until a CG wants help there isn't anything you can say or do that will make them stop gambling.

Lethe thank you once again. Wise words.I do genuinely believe his intentions and his girlfriend apparently has control of his finances now. You are so right about becoming consumed.Since this all came to light and in particular the last week my wife and I have both had very intermittent sleep and I am at times sad, angry and feel so helpless but when it is your son even though he is an adult it is impossible to switch the worry and concern off.

Hi again Jim

His gf needs to be aware that she may have to stand up to him if she's handling the finances. As I said a CG who isn't ready to stop can be highly manipulative and devious. A desperate CG doesn't have a conscience when it comes to finding the funds to feed the addiction and until they're ready to stop gambling comes a resounding first in their priority list. She (and you) shouldn't trust a word he says without seeing cold hard proof for yourselves. Mr L hasn't gambled (as far as I can tell. If they're determined to they will) for three years now. He still doesn't have unscrutinised access to the bank accounts and he never will again.

Lethe

Thank you once again for the benefit of your experience.I will certainly take on board what you have said. I hope your other half has managed to conquer the addiction.

Jim.

Morning Jim, welcome to the forum 🙂

My breath just caught in my chest as I read your line about genuinely believing his intentions...And I couldn't agree more with the advice from Lethe that followed. You can't trust us because we can't trust ourselves. I manipulated my family & lied to myself for years. I have also lived my life being lied to by my CG mother...Every cry for help, every promise made with good intentions believed because they seemed heartfelt & genuine & it's what we want to believe. But without help & support & action by the gambler, they are meaningless because what's broken hasn't been fixed. I don't want to scare you but this doesn't just go away 🙁 It's taken me a long time to accept that gambling addiction is not about the money, I'm still working on making sense of why I did it & it's something I'm going to need to work on all my life. The best thing you can do for your son is all get yourselves clued up on this addiction, get some support through the helpline or a GamAnon meeting if you can get to them & don't keep secrets between you. Playing loved ones off against each other is all too common in our world. My advice with the money is, speak to his girlfriend & see if she needs it now. If she doesn't, why the big rush to settle his debt? Maybe let her know that you would help if she needed it but he does need to know that there are consequences & tying up his money for a while gives him a chance to get to GA, arrange counselling (GamCare offer this free of charge) & basically get stronger before he has anything available to lure him back.

It's a horrible position for you to be in so keep talking & be strong - ODAAT

Morning ODAAT

Thank you for the welcome and indeed for the experienced advice. I know this is now a lifelong issue that wont go away. If I am honest, having never been a gambler I dont get it and probably never will. In my past professional life I spent a lot of time dealing with drug addictions and understand that far easier but I do now realise gambling must be the same. Hopefully we can all get through this but I am very grateful for all the help advice and experience that is available on this forum. It really helps.

Kind Regards...Jim.

Gambling is the same, it's the addiction to a process rather than a chemical. The lies, manipulation, game playing etc are the same. And the existence of an underlying issue and self medication by using is the same.

Echo previous advice to move the focus onto you and your wife and to keep it there. As far as possible, a united front helps; divide and rule promotes the gambling.

CW

Cynical wife wrote:

Gambling is the same, it's the addiction to a process rather than a chemical. The lies, manipulation, game playing etc are the same. And the existence of an underlying issue and self medication by using is the same.

.

Echo previous advice to move the focus onto you and your wife and to keep it there. As far as possible, a united front helps; divide and rule promotes the gambling.

CW

Thanks CW - I accept that now but will never understand

Hi Jim

None of us understand. Even CG's have trouble understanding and they're the ones who are doing/have done it. I have never had an adequate explanation from Mr L and I have come to accept I never will. In any case my personal view is it's neither my job nor in my interests to be too understanding. I'm happy to support in practical ways (I handle all the finances and have full access to everything I want to see along with having every asset in my sole name) but he gets the understanding and support he needs from GA where everyone attending gets in a way we never will.