I have just found out that my partner, whom I had planned to spend the rest of my life with is, is a gambling addict. When he told me I went into shock and being a problem solver, sorted out initial practicalities and handed him over to his parents. I knew he gambled and in the past it was quite bad, but he had assured me that It was not an issue any more.
The incident that prompted him telling me is pretty major and him losing all his money is only the half of it. He has moved home now and I can rest easy that he is not going to hurt himself or run. He is a broken man and finally has admitted that he has a problem and that it has basically ruined everything good about his life up until this point. He s addressing the financial side of things currently and has promised that the next step is counselling and appropriate action, then trying to get his life back on track.
I know this is the point where I am meant to be the stronger person and stand by him through illness and tough times but I feel like something fundamental has been broken in our relationship and I don't know whether I can get past that. Reading some of the forums on here, it seems that most partners of addicts have to control finances and be an emotional rock. I am already the emotional rock for a parent and 4 younger siblings and with no strong male role model in my life, he was my rock. I saw babies and marriage with him and it feels like my entire future has been pulled from under my feet.
I don't know who to talk to as he was that person, and I feel now I barely even know who he is. I know what the "right" thing to do is, but some honest answers on whether I am a terrible person if I walk away would be helpful. I'm 25, unmarried and no kids with him so if I do it, now is the time. Or do I stick by him and spend my entire life second guessing him?
Also, opinions from people about enabling him. In my heart I knew he needed help but I made excuses for him and let it slide when he disappeared off to fruit machines or placed sports bets. And now it has escalated so far beyond what I could imagine. Am I even helpful or is this something that he has to do by himself, for himself.
Any replies would be greatly appreciated.
Don't think that you're a terrible person.You are not. Listen to your gut instinct. Life with a gambling addict is miserable. You'll never have a minute's peace, you'll be manipulated, lied to, promises will be broken and secrets kept.
Make your choice, with courage, self preservation and your eyes wide open. Read all about it and find out what you'd be letting yourself in for, Love Kristi
Hi , if you felt that you should run away , no one can blame you or neither if it was the opposite ,i got my wife by my side its been hard,everyday its a suplice but we are dealing with it,she has all the cards,money,room keys,etc...i self excluded me from the main bet shops around me.i stopped smoking as well at the same time,i am still really far from feeling safe free from gambling but i got hopes for tomorrow and after tomorrow,i got two beautiful children,one is finishing uni soon,the other is just 11,i wasn't happy ,im starting to feel happiness in last days,and what i can tell you is i couldn't do it without them.wish all the best for your ex,sometimes a phone call or statement of friendship helps.
Thanks both for your responses. I feel at the moment I am going to pull advice from both of you. I have been reading around the subject and gathering all the information, so I m keeping my own well being at the centre of it. But I am going to stand by him for now, he s making all the right steps and I want to support him. I don't know what our future holds, but I know I need to at least try.
I wish you both all the best.
Hi Jep2608
All I can say is that I walked away because I knew I my heart I would always have to be the stronger person and I didn't want that. I've been doing it my whole life and now it's my turn to be looked after or at least 50/50.
Compromise not sacrifice
Xx
Hi. If your only problem with your husband is the gambling then I would say take control of everything and stay and fight for the relationship, if the gambling is one of many things then it might just be to much. I hung on for lots of years trying to sort and change things but every time he stopped gambling I was still left with a miserable man. After 11yrs and 2 kids later I did walk away and although early days I do feel better, my only regret is waiting so long. I hope for you he can sort himself out. Xx dawn
I am a recovering gambler who blew everything including my wife's trust. I lied and made her life hell without understanding what I was doing to my family.
We split eleven years ago and she is now happy with her own business and very affluent life and new Husband.
Thank God she left me and gave herself as well as my son a good life. I don't blame any one for leaving as recovery is long and the trust is hard to win back.
You have to look after you and see what tomorrow brings.
Things may turn around but your the victim off our addiction and may god bless you what ever happens.
chris
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