My partner of 13 years has a gambling problem. I realised this nearly 3 years ago but only found out the full extent last January when I told him that if he ever gambles again I would leave him. For months I believed he had stopped gambling until in sept whilst telling friends how well he had done to stop I was told that in fact he was gambling and had spent our rent money. I didn’t go through with my original threat (probably the worst thing I could have done) and stayed with him. Roll on to February this year again I had believed that he had stopped gambling then I found out out he was at it again and had been for a while. And again he left for a few days only to come back full of promises that he wouldn’t do it again and again I took him. Roll on to the World Cup time I suspected he was betting and he was, he left for a few days again but they came back and promised he wouldn’t do it again. I didn’t feel too bad until the football started up again but now I think he has been gambling through a friend although they he swears he hasn’t but feel like I am just waiting for it to happen again. It has had a massive impact on our relationship but we have 3 children. We have talked and he has said it if I can’t over it we shouldn’t be together and I agree. But I just don’t know if I am doing the right thing? It’s awful when u feel like u can’t get close cos ur waiting for someone to betray you again. I’m heartbroken and so are the kids and so is he. He has run up debts which are coming out of our bills money meaning we don’t have much money spare and I resent that aswell. I just don’t know what to do for the best. Has anybody got any experience that can help. Sorry for the essay, feeling at rock bottom and too embarrassed to speak to anybody I know about it anymore x
Hi steph. Doing the right thing? Who knows. The thing not to do is empty threats. If you say 'if you do this, I'll do that' and don't do it he thinks it's ok, you don't mean it. What you can do is set boundaries. This affects you too. You need to seek help for yourself, find a gamanon meeting and get help from people who have experienced what you're going through. Addicts don't just stop, they need help and blocks. If you say 'I don't want you to gamble ' he will be secretive. The thing is what are you going to do? Safeguard finances, don't pay gambling debts. Money for family comes first. Can you speak to the friend he's using to gamble through? This is serious, progressive, the longer they play the longer it takes to get better. You have three kids so he has to support them whether he stays or goes. They are always full of promises to stop, ultimatums, anger, lies, mood swings. You can't believe what he says because he doesn't want to stop. He thinks you'll put up with it. So get help. Whatever you say won't help, it's what you do to help yourself that will change things.
Iv asked him to get help but he claims that he is ‘not one of them’ and that it’s embarrassing. He has even tried to blame me for the gambling. He is currently at his mums house but she just thinks it’s a silly thing to split up over I think which doesn’t help. I love him to pieces but it’s not fair on me and the children. We are already paying over £600 a month towards credit cards and loans he has taken out which cuts down our money for the children.
Don’t suppose there is a right answer.
Steph get some help, find a meeting. Educate yourself and his mother about addiction. This isn't silly, this is life threatening, soul destroying, devastating. Don't ever think he isn't the same as other compulsive gamblers. He's gambling beyond your means. He's damaging your relationship, his relationship with his kids, his mental health. Don't ignore this. Read other stories. No one wants to be an addict, we all want to help, pretend it's not that bad. If he's not addicted he would stop gladly because of how you feel. His mother obviously believes him too. I've been married to a compulsive gambler for 20 years, I was fooled, many times. Gamanon saved my marriage, seriously, the things ive learnt from others is mind boggling.
Hi Steph,
He is an addict, only he can get help for this and he has to want to do it. He could go to 10 GA meetings a week but it is pointless unless he really wants to stop gambling. You cannot control him.
Addicts like us tell people anything they want to hear once we can keep feeding our addiction. I could go long spells without gambling which helped convince me that I was in control, but when the going got tough I would go off the rails.
You own behaviour has actually enabled him, you have given him ultimaums and not backed them up so he thinks he can carry on regardless. Dont be hard on yourself though as its all new to you and you have no support to deal with this. Look up your nearest Gamanon meeting and speak to people who are going through the same thing, they will be able to help and understand what your going through.
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