Am I doing the right thing? I'm devastated

Hi, NatNat,

At the risk of sounding like a job interview, where do you see yourself - realistically - in five years? More of the same? Worse, maybe, because he lost everything, including the roof over your head? It's some risk, buying property with a CG. Now that my husband is finally in recovery, the house is in my name and I have to drip feed him pocket money to avoid him having the means to gamble.

We are long term married, kids growing up. I didn't know when we got married, even now I'm not sure when he started but if I had known I wouldn't have taken him on. Financially it could have been a lot worse for us but it's still horrific, he stole his children's savings. No prosecution but still criminal behaviour, it's no example to the kids. Gamblers can and do drag everyone down, they can and do steal and lie.

In terms of our relationship, throughout our marriage he behaved like an addict, remote, mood swings, unreasonable, in short, he was emotionally and financially abusive. I do feel that I have missed out on a normal warm loving relationship with a husband as a life partner. We are in the position now of trying to unlearn the patterns of our behaviour for the last 20 and relearn new ones. The abuse has stopped, the barriers are up, we are trying but the emotional damage is huge, to him, to me and worryingly, to the children.

I do not recommend my experience. I would advise you to put your best interests first and not to think that you can save him from himself. Even in recovery, managing the barriers is not easy, you should think carefully before taking him on.

Wish you well,

CW

Hello natnat

It sounds like a very difficult time right now for you. You ask yourself if you are doing the right thing? It may help you to call GamCare helpline 08088020133 it can be a place for you to discuss your feelings and to make some sense of things for yourself. advisors are there to listen and can also give you further information on other suppport available to you.

Caroline

Thank you for your comments. He's already got an iva due to the debt and this time it hasn't been a lot of money it's the lying and him being selfish. It's still very raw and I'm not in the right mind yet to make a decision I just want him to start making progress on trying to stop. I know it will always be there and I've been doing this for 6 years and I've always stood by him but I don't know how much I can tolerate. It feels like this time it has to stop or I will feel the only I can do is walk away. He doesn't see how talking to someone can help, and he's tried many times before. I'm not telling him what to do to get help he has to make that on his own. If I do go back I don't know what he can do for me to trust him again and if I ever will

He's a compulsive gambler but he doesn't sound like a bad person. He's totally addicted and just needs some help. Some people are addicted to Facebook... try to tell them not to go on that site ever again... I can imagine it will be tough. I appreciate gambling is different as it costs money and more but it doesn't mean he can't sort it out. Give him a hard time for the lying etc that's fair enough but he's addicted so he's going to try and sneak around to carry on. He just needs help as it's very difficult to do alone. I'm obviously coming at this from the other side but that's my opinion. It's really easy to beat up compulsive gamblers but we're not bad people, we even know it's wrong to continue gambling, but we really struggle to stop... sometimes we just need that extra bit of help or that extra kick up the b*m and it can change a life around.

Hi natnat

Its hard to know what to do for the best, we love the cg in our lives but hate what the addiction does to them and us, and theres no easy answer. I call it being stuck between a rock and a hard place, we love the cg in our life but living with them and the behaviours that come with addiction is often intolerable.

I agree with Change that I dont think most gamblers are bad people I know my son isnt, but the addiction has turned him into someone we dont recognise any more. Im not here "to beat up gamblers " far from it I have total respect for anyone who is battling addiction I know its not just a case of stopping, I can see in my son how hard he struggles with the addiction.

However what are we supposed to do when all the support and love has made no difference, the kick up the b*m hasnt done anything either and we live in what seems like and endless bad dream. I like many people on this forum have been living like this for years, and you get so you just cant see and end to it. My son is still young and we lived in hope for a long time that he'd want recovery but while we waited for that his behaviour got steadily worse and he doesnt live with us any more.

For some of us there comes a point where we just cant take another day of living with the cg in our lives no matter how much we love them. Im sure they love us but unfortunately for us we are not their priority its always going to be the next bet for them and thats why we have to start and think of our well being first. As a Mum that feels very wrong to say such a thing it goes against my instincts, Ive always put my kids before me but Ive had to learn otherwise with this.

Natnat I strongly recommend you get counselling for yourself, I found it invaluable

Very useful perspective in that post as67. Again it gives another side. It most be so tough for you. Really appreciate you making that post.

Hi, again,

No one is all good or all bad... but an active CG in denial, with the lies, dishonesty, remoteness, financial and emotional abuse that come with it, is pretty bad. And until such time as the CG makes the decision to commit to recovery, the loved ones are being asked to tolerate the intolerable and in my experience, they are all harmed by trying to.

Put yourself and the children first and don't be distracted by trying to cater to his needs.

CW

Compulsive gamblers aren't bad people trying to be good, they are sick people trying to become well

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I guess we just have a difference of opinion. I'm viewing the ideal solution as being that he is able to quit and a family is able to stay together. That may not be possible or he may have been given too many chances already... you mention there are various things that he should have been doing and if that's the case then you're right... that's not for me to decide. I'm just asking the question whether that is at all possible. I don't mean to cause any offence at all but just wanted to give an alternative opinion. In retrospective I think dans wording re CGs being sick people is more correct.

Thank you all for your comments! It's is very comforting to hear both sides. I have given him a push so many times and I don't know what to do as my help as never done anything. Change can I ask have you stopped and how? I know that he is not a bad person but he is still not accepting it and I don't think he has the will to stop. He is not living with me at the moment but has told me he wanted to gamble today, what stopped him was my reaction and what should stop him is that he wants to get better for himself. I understand it's an addiction and I have done everything I can to help him, I will always help him but right now I can't think about mending our relationship until he helps himself and does it for him and not for me. He said he's going to GA but doesn't want to talk when he goes there he only wants to go for 6 months and no more, it's a start but it is not a commitment. He has said he's going to get better but I've heard it so many times and nothing has ever changed. He's pushing me for an answer of whether we re still going to be together but I am not in the right frame of mind to make a decision. There is a possibility for a future but I can struggling to see it, I am finding it very hard. We ve been together 8 years and I am uncertain how much more can I tolerate.

Hi NatNat... I'm only 18 days stopped after my last relapse. The most I've done in the past is about 7 months. I joined this forum earlier this year and I got to about 50 days first time but have had about 4 relapses. I have changed things after each relapse as I now realise willpower will not work for me. I have blocking software, I have a small withdrawal limit on my debit card, I have ripped up my credit card, I keep a chart of each day to tick off, I try to minimise watching sport, I attend GA meetings when I can... I have added additional barriers each time. Right now my barriers are huge and it's prevented relapses this week. Every day is a struggle but I live in hope to make it manageable and for it to get easier. I love my family and dearly want to stop. I need a nice Xmas for a change. It's a tough road but I need to get to a point where thinking of gambling is no longer a habit and I break the cycle. I will then have a happier life.

I can't begin to understand your predicament as I am on the other side. I am aware from GA meetings I attend that the fail safe way to stop gambling is for someone else to take control of money. There are at least 4 out of the regular 12 attendees whose spouse has total control. Each week or day the addict is given an allowance and must account for every penny with receipts. I have seen first hand that it works. If I can't manage this last time myself then it will be a route I need to take but it will also be a burden on my family who will need to manage that for me. It's a really sorry state but it just shows how really difficult it can be.

I have never missed a rent payment, I have never missed a bill, I have never not paid for a holiday. I have some debt but it's not huge. I just haven't been there in the moment for my family. My addiction has caused me to lose precious time in my life. It is the non-monetary side that has affected people the most. All my memories are filled with gambling.

I don't know what else to say as I have tried to be as honest as I can be. It's not easy being an addict but equally it's not easy for the family of an addict. I wish you the very best and as I have mentioned I am just providing my own thoughts. I hope you get to the right answer for you.

Nobody knows what's best for you, we're all different. All I can say is that from my experience if I'd known then what I know now I would have run a mile and kept on running! 10 years of marriage, several relapses, no relationship left at all but 2 kids I have to consider. You dont deserve this, none of us do. I appreciate that as Change said, gamblers are not bad people but they make lousy husbands and life partners and they make great liars and manipulaters. The f&f of gamblers are not bad people either and dont deserve to be dragged down by someone else's addiction. If you really love this man and think you can have a happy life I wish you all the best but there are so many threads on here that follow the same pattern of remorse and then relapse, it's heartbreaking. All the best whatever you decide xx

Hi Nat Nat , in really sorry to read your post as I find it so sad that someone else is in my predicament . I am due to marry in January but due to the pain I feel from all the lies , deceit , having me work every hour god sends for him to gamble away in a matter of minutes , nastiness , mood swings , manipulation I am having to cancel my wedding and I am devastated to the point I feel like I want to die , however reading this forum I think Yes I can live without him with the support of my family and friends. I value my own self worth and happiness . I have tried to help my husband to be but only able to help him as much as he would let me . I'm tired of the constant lies and tears I feel like a total failure that I can't fix him , I even wish that I could be the gambler at times take it away from him and let me suffer the illness . But there is no point in wasting such wishes as the reality is I don't want to be another person on this site 20 years down the line with no home to call my own and no children because the thought of starting a family with this man terrifies me. Gambling aside he's the perfect man for me , I know he is not a bad person and the addiction is an illness I love him so much it hurts , I feel lost destroyed even wished their was a cliff edge on my doorstep to just walk off but there's not so then I'm angry and think why are we wasting our one shot at life being lied to and deceived , being stolen from . Where is our own value for our own life .. Have we got an illness being addicted to these men who are bad for our mental health , our financial situation , making us depressed and anxious and paranoid . I hope you find the answers but mine I'm choosing to walk away . I'm not a trained addict therapist , nor am I a cash machine or a robot with no feelings . I'd walk the end of the earth for my man if I thought it would make him better but he would Also have me walk there and back again . and that's not the kind of man I ever envisaged making vows to honour love and cherish. So now I have the humiliation and expense of cancelling wedding and spending the forseable future heart broke and beating myself up for putting my own needs first !

Good luck with what you decide to do I really hope it works out for you X

Personally I'd run for the hills. If he is keeping things from you & you're struggling to see a future then it's probably not wise to get married. It's no fun being with a gambler.