Another chance or over for good.

Hello Motherbear

Welcome to our Forum;  It really is good to have you here.  Your post  highlights the devastation caused to loved ones of the problem gambler and is heartbreaking for everyone. Please do know that you can get through this, with the help and support of others who know how you feel and what you are going through.

You may wish to have a look on the following Website for Gam-Anon, as follows:

Gam-Anon

I would also strongly recommend you have a look on the https://www.gam-anon.org   This is a website specifically for friends and families of people who are affected by problem gamblers

You are not alone Motherbear, even if it feels like a hopeless situation right now; Please no that there is a way forward for both you and your Partner.

In the meantime, please keep reaching out for the support in which you deserve to have.  

Best

Amanda

Forum Admin.

Hi

Reading your story reminded me of my own journey in 2018. I separated from my husband when I found out the extent of his deception. I had one child and was four months pregnant at the time. 

I had his salary paid into my account and managed the household finances. We had loans and debts everywhere. He continued living under the same roof. It helped with expenses and I was giving him a chance to sort himself out. Exactly a year after I had found out about the gambling I got back with him. Three days later I found out he was still gambling and kicked him out the house.

I wanted to save our marriage for our kids and also help him get better for his kids. In hindsight, this was not my journey, it was his. It stopped me dealing with my own pain and focusing on his.  

I was continuously finding out about more deception. I used my focus on him to bury my pain.

What I wish I had accepted was that he needs to sort his own life out. I had to sort my future out. Some people may get better, but it is a long journey . I don't think I would have ever been able to teust my ex. Five years on, I still feel hurt and angry, but at lease I have a new life for my kids and I.

Whatever you do, dont underestimate your own strength. Turn to family and friends to support you. The stronger you are, the more whole you are, the better it is for you and your children. 

Hi

It was raised that if some one gave me money ten minutes before I was going to walk in to the rooms of recovery would I have still gone in to recovery, for me not so.

The money did not have any value to me, the money was simply the fuel for my addiction.

You take away my money and if I am still vulnerable I would try and escape in other ways.

When I walked out of the gambling establishment completely broke did I know or understand what my feelings and emotions were.

Yet after one nights sleep I was back at thinking of ways to escape my feeling and my emotions.

So at what point would I get honest with myself.

So at what point would I admit that my fears and escaping to my addictions and obsessions were fear based.

Once one I was abstaining and shared my therapies would I admit to myself that by being so unhealthy I was self abusing myself in so many ways.

At what time would I admit to myself that I was emotionally vulnerable long before my addiction and my obsessions, that I was in so much fear I would panic on a regular basis.

Did the text in the books explain why I was so confused and feeling so lost.

Even the question about suicide, I said no to, the truth was as a teenager I tried to take my own life. Yet I buried and suppressed those memories, I denied doing so.

Does bullying or manipulations help an addict get healthy or even start to understand them self.

It was so very important no matter when your last bet was keep going to meetings.

Keep going to the meetings that help you the most, I use to go past meetings in London to go to a meeting where they gave me so much maturity honesty and very healthy honest therapies.

I did not want to go to meetings and feel that I had wasted my time.

My motives going to meetings changed many times over 50 years.

The simple fact the rate of success in Gamblers Anonymous is and was very poor.

Sadly people give up on them self far to quickly.

A healthy recovery is far beyond just just abstaining, the is about abstaining from my own self abuse.

For me abstaining means once I move on and do more healthy work on myself only then did the healing process even start.

Each time I go back to reading the recovery program I find it is not clear enough for me.

The steps should be simple enough for every one to understand it very clearly.

Step 4 was the hardest for me, to do it required me to over come my fear of honesty and being accountable and also not having fear of sharing with another person.

Step 4 can be done when our fears are full understood and our fears are drastically reduced.

In the meetings I am and feel an equal to all people no matter when their last bet was, some times it takes great strength to admit to a break out.

Often the person that gambled that day was demonstrating more strength then i had that day.

It is very confusing when people clap you for being so honest and it has nothing about that last bet.

Also the person that gambled that day will understand we admire their honesty and their strength.

The truth is lying to our meetings, makes it very hard for us who have gambled, we have increased our fears simply being in the meeting.

As fears reduce our trust grows, as our anger reduces and as we heal more we cause our self less and less pain, 

The serenity prayer helps us understand our frustration's.

The rate of our healing is all up to us.

The rate of our becoming healthier is all up to us.

It takes time to become more and more sufficient.

To reduce procrastination over come our fears, build our confidence and self esteem.

In the old days if I could get some one to do some thing for me I would I thought I was clever.

In the old days if I could get some for nothing I thought that I was clever.

Sadly I was cheating myself from learning new skills.

How much time and effort do I put in to my recovery today.

Am I  focused on my healthy needs and my healthy wants.

Today I was waiting for some take away food.

A man heard me place my order and he complimented me on my politeness.

I explained it was an expression of my healthy values.

He questioned if I was a religion person, I told him no I was not.

We talked about spiritual values not being religious and our spiritual conscience is being healthy.

In the past my healthy spiritual values caused me pains shame and guilt.

I would not be able to question or even understand why I went against my own conscience, and caused myself pains and fears,  I just did it, my fears really over whelmed me.

Love and peace to every one.

Dave L

AKA Dave Of Beckenham

Hi,
This story sounds very familiar to me. I think you are very brave for chucking him out and having to witness the impact that has on your children.

My husband has been gambling again and is a’lovely’ guy and great with his kids so makes it feel almost impossible to tell him to leave. I was talking to a friend tonight and said if I didn’t have the kids I would Chuck him out. It must be very hard to make that call. Like you I’ve sat down with him and worked out a plan to ‘fix’ this but I’m starting feel very alone in this relationship like I’m more dedicated to fixing the gambling problem than he is and if that’s the case I’m fighting a loosing battle.

Hi, Just want to say you are not alone. I’ve been going through this for a lot of years, not to the amount you have uncovered but relevant to our living situation and taken a toll. Initially I filed for divorce as totally had enough of living with the lies and deceit. Since the papers came through I had a change of heart due to the memories of better times, love and the kids plus he seemed to have hit ‘rock bottom’. I am controlling all finances, including his own account and feels like he is facing this is a problem now and doing what I am asking and he needs to do in some ways (counselling) just waiting for him to get a job, apparently one of the triggers for why he relapsed. Still I am the one left stressed and on edge and second-guessing has he changed, had that born-again moment, thinking differently or is his selfishness and arrogance going to return…I’m left feeling quite angry with him and wondering whether we will ever be on the same page and disappointed that I’m not sure we were if he has allowed this to hurt me so much and not got help before I uncovered it again. Good luck to you, it’s a horrible place to be. I agreed not to split up after all because the pain of living together while he was looking to be a better person and get help while we were heading for divorce was unbearable but now we are moving on together it’s a different kind of pain. I’ve just started accessing hep for friends and family through gamcare again and I think it’s going to help me, give them a call Hun x

Hi

@mother bear thanks for starting this conversation, how have things been this week for you?

@suewoo the second guessing and not knowing is incredibly hard to deal with. The nature of the addiction being shameful and steeped in lies keeps it going. The true extent of the gambling is a constant worry for me. My coping strategy seems to be all or nothing. I bury my head and don’t keep the communication going about the gambling or I obsess over it and catastrophise it. I need to find a better way to deal with it. Just wish it would go away.

Posted by: @motherbear

I'm completely broken at the moment, going through all the emotions and just looking for some perspective from anyone who may know what I'm going through just now.

I've been with my partner 13 years and have 3 kids together. He was always a great dad and partner.

Our money has always been separate, he has some bills in his name but most are in my name so he transfers me money every month. It seemed to work for us or so I thought. 

In 2019 we should have had £20,000 in his savings account. He sat me down one day and told me he had a gambling problem and we had no money left, not only that but he had several loans out and we were swimming in debt. 

I was P****d but I sat down with him and tried to work it out. I took all my savings and paid off some of his debt and set up payment plans for the rest. We put a block on his bank account so he couldn't gamble again and he promised he never would.

I didnt truly believe he was a gambling addict at this time, stupidly I thought I was just an excuse for getting in over his head.

Since then we have really struggled with money. At first I thought it was just because we were paying off this debt. Then when that was cleared, every month there was reasons for him not to have money, kids needed stuff, car needed something, he'd have someone a loan and was getting it back next week etc. At the time I was so used to him having no money it sounded reasonable.

Recently I questioned him about his money. He didnt send me the amount of money he usually did and had several excuses for not doing so. It suddenly didn't make sense. Even with the little things he had to get every month he should still have money. How come he couldn't afford to buy a coffee and I was paying for absolutely everything. Why didn't I noticed this before? 

He refused to show me his bank statement for a few days but finally he showed me and admitted he had been gambling since the start of first lockdown, so he only stopped gambling for about 6/7 months. He said it's all online and he started slow and it's snowballed to large amounts again. thousands of pounds spent and again a ridiculous amount of loans owed out.

When I look back it makes sense he had became distant over the past year and always looking at his phone. He had became quite angry and uptight, complete opposite to the happy laid back guy I first met.

I've since kicked him out. I feel so betrayed, I don't know who this man is anymore. He can lie so easily. I'm absolutely heartbroken and my kids are really struggling with him not being at home now.

He's started going to classes, promising me he will never do it again and I do see a change in his attitude but Im not naive enough to believe him or think it will be that easy. Im struggling to forgive the deceit but I also really miss him and miss all the good times we did have. 

He wants me to take over all his money, cards and bills etc but I don't know if I want to baby a grown man for the rest of my life and if I do will he end up resenting me ? Will I end up resenting him even more for putting us in this position.

I hate him and love him at the same time. I don't know if it's the sort of life I want to live always watching him. Can people really move on from something like this? Will I ever be able to trust him? Can he ever stop? 

Is there anything else I should be thinking about while trying to make a decision on if I should ever take him back or not.

I'm at a complete loss and have no one to talk to about this, my friends and family don't see gambling as an addiction and just see him as a selfish. 

Hes not selfish if you heard the reason why I done it you understand anythink can cause stress of been in debt can cause to back on it cause hes trying to win back what hes lost you taken all the money is a good thing use can get back together your great support the guilt of doing this to other people is suicidal to us but because it blocks thoughts out we stop thinking and stress goes away times I wanted to end my life cause cant face my kids cause of what I done was shameful I hated myself but when your head doing 360 thoughts all the time gambling trying to get money back sames the answer at the time dont think cause it blocks all loans out your head discussed of people behaviour towards you it's another world gambling trust me I've block myself off all sites I lost my support my mam love of my life then had to look after my dad hes just died tryed help getting of the drink cause he found my mam dead I have autistic child with serious skin care I dont get a break from dont have no social life fighting with my sister cause she has been with my boyfriend but wont admitted it things that led me to think my mam always there for me helping me with kids she was my best friend I've lost her and my dad now believe me been alone is worse thing this is why I gamble 

@ssj thank you for this! Being so used to having someone around for so long to no longer having them around to help every day has been hard but I am telling myself everyday that I am strong and I can do this. 

@mlk hey thanks for your reply, I'm sorry your going through this too, gambling is a horrible thing to live with. It was the deceit and lies for me, I know if he came to me and told me what he was doing I would have stayed with him and would have helped him but he didn't come to me, I had to go digging for the truth. It's extremely hard even though he is out the door he is not out my life, we have 3 kids and both want to co-parent the best we can as well as been stuck together through household bills and obligations. It's a tricky place to be and we are trying to work it out, still not in a proper routine but getting there.

I hope you find the strength in yourself for what ever path to you decide to take.

@suewoo hey thank you for your reply. Is your hubby going to any GA meetings? My ex just started them and he says it's a therapy he never knew he needed and it's helping him alot. I see the changes in him since he stared going hence why I'm thinking of taking him back. I don't want to throw away all the years and love we had but I am struggling to forgive and forget the deceit and lies.

@mlk hey it's been a tough week for me how are you getting on ?? 

I'm all over the place one minute im Mrs independent feeling strong and ready to take on the world and a few hours later I'm in bed crying my eyes out wondering where it all went wrong. It's a persistent struggle. 

Sometimes I'm feeling good so end up talking to him trying to figure out a plan of action to get us out this mess but it seems to make me feel worse, half way through it I find out more information I never new and it's like I'm flung back to the start of it all again, I get mad and throw him out the house again. I definitely need to find better ways of communicating too. He wants me to join him at one of his GA meetings to learn more about the addiction and how to communicate with an addict but I'm not there yet and not mentally ready or even know if that's the direction I want to take.

@sheila6gmail-com I'm so sorry for your loss and struggles I hope you are finding the strength to cope better now. My struggle is that I don't understand the gambling addiction so I really appreciate you sharing your story with me 

@motherbear sorry to hear you’ve been up and down, keeping strong is tough! 
I feel quite empowered at the moment, I’ve taken control of a few things financially and starting to feel my voice is being heard. The constant worry of what’s next and what could happen can spiral a bit for me but if I can keep that under control I feel better. 
I think talking and trying to understand this  hideous thing is probably all we can do. It’s a good thing if your husbands getting help and wants to get you involved. But don’t get me wrong I totally understand why you wouldn’t want to go. You’ve got to do what feels right for you and your kids that’s the priority. 
I hope next week brings more empowerment and less tears, you’ve definitely got this x