Another chance or over for good.

Hello Motherbear

Welcome to our Forum;  It really is good to have you here.  Your post  highlights the devastation caused to loved ones of the problem gambler and is heartbreaking for everyone. Please do know that you can get through this, with the help and support of others who know how you feel and what you are going through.

You may wish to have a look on the following Website for Gam-Anon, as follows:

Gam-Anon

I would also strongly recommend you have a look on the https://www.gam-anon.org   This is a website specifically for friends and families of people who are affected by problem gamblers

You are not alone Motherbear, even if it feels like a hopeless situation right now; Please no that there is a way forward for both you and your Partner.

In the meantime, please keep reaching out for the support in which you deserve to have.  

Best

Amanda

Forum Admin.

Hi

Reading your story reminded me of my own journey in 2018. I separated from my husband when I found out the extent of his deception. I had one child and was four months pregnant at the time. 

I had his salary paid into my account and managed the household finances. We had loans and debts everywhere. He continued living under the same roof. It helped with expenses and I was giving him a chance to sort himself out. Exactly a year after I had found out about the gambling I got back with him. Three days later I found out he was still gambling and kicked him out the house.

I wanted to save our marriage for our kids and also help him get better for his kids. In hindsight, this was not my journey, it was his. It stopped me dealing with my own pain and focusing on his.  

I was continuously finding out about more deception. I used my focus on him to bury my pain.

What I wish I had accepted was that he needs to sort his own life out. I had to sort my future out. Some people may get better, but it is a long journey . I don't think I would have ever been able to teust my ex. Five years on, I still feel hurt and angry, but at lease I have a new life for my kids and I.

Whatever you do, dont underestimate your own strength. Turn to family and friends to support you. The stronger you are, the more whole you are, the better it is for you and your children. 

Hi,
This story sounds very familiar to me. I think you are very brave for chucking him out and having to witness the impact that has on your children.

My husband has been gambling again and is a’lovely’ guy and great with his kids so makes it feel almost impossible to tell him to leave. I was talking to a friend tonight and said if I didn’t have the kids I would Chuck him out. It must be very hard to make that call. Like you I’ve sat down with him and worked out a plan to ‘fix’ this but I’m starting feel very alone in this relationship like I’m more dedicated to fixing the gambling problem than he is and if that’s the case I’m fighting a loosing battle.

Hi, Just want to say you are not alone. I’ve been going through this for a lot of years, not to the amount you have uncovered but relevant to our living situation and taken a toll. Initially I filed for divorce as totally had enough of living with the lies and deceit. Since the papers came through I had a change of heart due to the memories of better times, love and the kids plus he seemed to have hit ‘rock bottom’. I am controlling all finances, including his own account and feels like he is facing this is a problem now and doing what I am asking and he needs to do in some ways (counselling) just waiting for him to get a job, apparently one of the triggers for why he relapsed. Still I am the one left stressed and on edge and second-guessing has he changed, had that born-again moment, thinking differently or is his selfishness and arrogance going to return…I’m left feeling quite angry with him and wondering whether we will ever be on the same page and disappointed that I’m not sure we were if he has allowed this to hurt me so much and not got help before I uncovered it again. Good luck to you, it’s a horrible place to be. I agreed not to split up after all because the pain of living together while he was looking to be a better person and get help while we were heading for divorce was unbearable but now we are moving on together it’s a different kind of pain. I’ve just started accessing hep for friends and family through gamcare again and I think it’s going to help me, give them a call Hun x

Hi

@mother bear thanks for starting this conversation, how have things been this week for you?

@suewoo the second guessing and not knowing is incredibly hard to deal with. The nature of the addiction being shameful and steeped in lies keeps it going. The true extent of the gambling is a constant worry for me. My coping strategy seems to be all or nothing. I bury my head and don’t keep the communication going about the gambling or I obsess over it and catastrophise it. I need to find a better way to deal with it. Just wish it would go away.

Posted by: @motherbear

I'm completely broken at the moment, going through all the emotions and just looking for some perspective from anyone who may know what I'm going through just now.

I've been with my partner 13 years and have 3 kids together. He was always a great dad and partner.

Our money has always been separate, he has some bills in his name but most are in my name so he transfers me money every month. It seemed to work for us or so I thought. 

In 2019 we should have had £20,000 in his savings account. He sat me down one day and told me he had a gambling problem and we had no money left, not only that but he had several loans out and we were swimming in debt. 

I was P****d but I sat down with him and tried to work it out. I took all my savings and paid off some of his debt and set up payment plans for the rest. We put a block on his bank account so he couldn't gamble again and he promised he never would.

I didnt truly believe he was a gambling addict at this time, stupidly I thought I was just an excuse for getting in over his head.

Since then we have really struggled with money. At first I thought it was just because we were paying off this debt. Then when that was cleared, every month there was reasons for him not to have money, kids needed stuff, car needed something, he'd have someone a loan and was getting it back next week etc. At the time I was so used to him having no money it sounded reasonable.

Recently I questioned him about his money. He didnt send me the amount of money he usually did and had several excuses for not doing so. It suddenly didn't make sense. Even with the little things he had to get every month he should still have money. How come he couldn't afford to buy a coffee and I was paying for absolutely everything. Why didn't I noticed this before? 

He refused to show me his bank statement for a few days but finally he showed me and admitted he had been gambling since the start of first lockdown, so he only stopped gambling for about 6/7 months. He said it's all online and he started slow and it's snowballed to large amounts again. thousands of pounds spent and again a ridiculous amount of loans owed out.

When I look back it makes sense he had became distant over the past year and always looking at his phone. He had became quite angry and uptight, complete opposite to the happy laid back guy I first met.

I've since kicked him out. I feel so betrayed, I don't know who this man is anymore. He can lie so easily. I'm absolutely heartbroken and my kids are really struggling with him not being at home now.

He's started going to classes, promising me he will never do it again and I do see a change in his attitude but Im not naive enough to believe him or think it will be that easy. Im struggling to forgive the deceit but I also really miss him and miss all the good times we did have. 

He wants me to take over all his money, cards and bills etc but I don't know if I want to baby a grown man for the rest of my life and if I do will he end up resenting me ? Will I end up resenting him even more for putting us in this position.

I hate him and love him at the same time. I don't know if it's the sort of life I want to live always watching him. Can people really move on from something like this? Will I ever be able to trust him? Can he ever stop? 

Is there anything else I should be thinking about while trying to make a decision on if I should ever take him back or not.

I'm at a complete loss and have no one to talk to about this, my friends and family don't see gambling as an addiction and just see him as a selfish. 

Hes not selfish if you heard the reason why I done it you understand anythink can cause stress of been in debt can cause to back on it cause hes trying to win back what hes lost you taken all the money is a good thing use can get back together your great support the guilt of doing this to other people is suicidal to us but because it blocks thoughts out we stop thinking and stress goes away times I wanted to end my life cause cant face my kids cause of what I done was shameful I hated myself but when your head doing 360 thoughts all the time gambling trying to get money back sames the answer at the time dont think cause it blocks all loans out your head discussed of people behaviour towards you it's another world gambling trust me I've block myself off all sites I lost my support my mam love of my life then had to look after my dad hes just died tryed help getting of the drink cause he found my mam dead I have autistic child with serious skin care I dont get a break from dont have no social life fighting with my sister cause she has been with my boyfriend but wont admitted it things that led me to think my mam always there for me helping me with kids she was my best friend I've lost her and my dad now believe me been alone is worse thing this is why I gamble 

@ssj thank you for this! Being so used to having someone around for so long to no longer having them around to help every day has been hard but I am telling myself everyday that I am strong and I can do this. 

@mlk hey thanks for your reply, I'm sorry your going through this too, gambling is a horrible thing to live with. It was the deceit and lies for me, I know if he came to me and told me what he was doing I would have stayed with him and would have helped him but he didn't come to me, I had to go digging for the truth. It's extremely hard even though he is out the door he is not out my life, we have 3 kids and both want to co-parent the best we can as well as been stuck together through household bills and obligations. It's a tricky place to be and we are trying to work it out, still not in a proper routine but getting there.

I hope you find the strength in yourself for what ever path to you decide to take.

@suewoo hey thank you for your reply. Is your hubby going to any GA meetings? My ex just started them and he says it's a therapy he never knew he needed and it's helping him alot. I see the changes in him since he stared going hence why I'm thinking of taking him back. I don't want to throw away all the years and love we had but I am struggling to forgive and forget the deceit and lies.

@mlk hey it's been a tough week for me how are you getting on ?? 

I'm all over the place one minute im Mrs independent feeling strong and ready to take on the world and a few hours later I'm in bed crying my eyes out wondering where it all went wrong. It's a persistent struggle. 

Sometimes I'm feeling good so end up talking to him trying to figure out a plan of action to get us out this mess but it seems to make me feel worse, half way through it I find out more information I never new and it's like I'm flung back to the start of it all again, I get mad and throw him out the house again. I definitely need to find better ways of communicating too. He wants me to join him at one of his GA meetings to learn more about the addiction and how to communicate with an addict but I'm not there yet and not mentally ready or even know if that's the direction I want to take.

@sheila6gmail-com I'm so sorry for your loss and struggles I hope you are finding the strength to cope better now. My struggle is that I don't understand the gambling addiction so I really appreciate you sharing your story with me 

@motherbear sorry to hear you’ve been up and down, keeping strong is tough! 
I feel quite empowered at the moment, I’ve taken control of a few things financially and starting to feel my voice is being heard. The constant worry of what’s next and what could happen can spiral a bit for me but if I can keep that under control I feel better. 
I think talking and trying to understand this  hideous thing is probably all we can do. It’s a good thing if your husbands getting help and wants to get you involved. But don’t get me wrong I totally understand why you wouldn’t want to go. You’ve got to do what feels right for you and your kids that’s the priority. 
I hope next week brings more empowerment and less tears, you’ve definitely got this x

Hey I just wanted to give a bit of an update for anyone who may be feeling as I did. We are one year without a bet!!! I say we as we are very much in this together now. This year has been the toughest year of my life, the ups and downs have been real.. but I'm greatful to be in a much better place. GA helped enormously. He goes twice weekly and after every meeting we have a debrief, we chat about the topic and how relatable it is or isn't to him. We've spoken more this past year than we probably have the last 14 years together. For him it's the therapy part he needed, and for me having him in a type of therapy I never knew I needed him to be in. He's learning about himself and I'm trying to learn who he is now and understand why he gambled. I still have control of the finances, go through his banking, emails and web history. Rebuilding the trust has been very difficult for me but I have noticed I'm not checking as frequently as I was before. For the longest time just looking at him made me feel physically sick, is behaviour disgusted me. It's hard to believe I stuck by him and actually have a pretty good relationship with him now. We are by no way over it yet (if we ever can be) but we are slowly taking steps in the right direction. He spent the year tackling his debt, took on a few part time jobs outside of his normal job to help get us back on track, we are not debt free yet but I see the effort he is going to for me and our kids and that's what I'm holding on to. We can't go back and I'm tired of looking back and holding onto anger. This year we've agreed to look forward, continue talking and growing together. Like I said we are only one year in so only at the beginning of this journey but myself and him both know if he goes back to gambling I'm gone for good but so far I'm glad I gave him the chance x