at a loss with critical, negative partner

Hi there Lrobbins, I'm coming from the other side of the fence and hope what I say is beneficial. You have identified the red flags correctly i.e don't need meetings anymore, I'm not like the rest of them, turned a corner etc. Sorry to say but it sounds to me like he is either gambling again or on the verge of it. It's almost like he is trying to justify his actions and even maybe trying to convince himself that he is 'cured'. He's done this before and returned to gambling and sounds like he's going the same way again.

As for his behaviour towards you, why do you put up with it? It seems you are well aware that he is the only one can change himself and that it needs to be him seeking the necessary help. If he doesn't want it then no amount of reasoning will change that. Also based on the behaviour you described I wouldn't assume he has been gamble free for months either.

Look after youself first. It sounds selfish in in some respects it is but in the case of dealing with a CG it's necessary

Hi Lrobbins,

It sounds like your well versed in what really goes on in his head. At GA he would have learned the he is a compulsive gabmler and thats who he is for the rest of his life, GA meetings should be an integral part of his recovery if he is serious about it. He probably makes snide comments because he resents the fact your the reason he cannot gamble. Your only with him 2 years so I would simply give him an ultimatum, get himself sorted out move on, thats proper tough love. You are correct in that he is the one who has to get help but can only go through it if he really wants to, going to meeings and going through the motions will not help him.

Morning,

I’d move the focus away from what he’s (not) doing and over to what you’re doing and to who you are. That’s not so easy, it may well be the hardest thing that you ever do.

He was already gambling when you met him, so what exactly attracted you? He may have deteriorated whilst the gambling progressed but has he really been there for you? Has he ever been available as an equal life partner, rather than a little boy who needs his messes to be cleared up? Or possibly a tortured soul that only you can save with your love? It’s not so much that he’s changed for the worse, it’s more that you haven’t been able to fix him, to save him and it’s possibly become more difficult for you to ignore who he is and how he treats you.

Look at you, at your need to fix and caretake and where that comes from. That’s your issue, the gambling is his. Actually he’s an adult, mature adults take responsibility and if you stop saving him, he will soon learn to take ownership of his responsibilities. Look at you, learn to take ownership only of what’s yours, learn to be enough without needing validation from a man whose attention is elsewhere, learn to know what you want and need and how best to get it.

The help is out there, if you choose to change your life by taking it. Try CoDA meetings and GamAnon meetings, also Al-Anon if you are or have been around drinkers, where you’ll hear from people with similar problems. I recommend reading “Women Who Love Too Much”, by Robin Norwood or “Facing Love Addiction” by Pia Mellody.

Keep the focus on you.

CW

Hi Lrobbins yes I've heard all that before. I can only say what about you? What do you want? You can't stop him. You are suspicious and that is a sign of many things. Not wanting to go to meetings is often an excuse. Moody, sniping all signs I'm afraid. This is forever. Credit reports might show you more. You could go to gamanon. Put yourself first and stop putting up with unacceptable behaviour. This is affecting you. Look after you.

Hi

Agree with CW and MGR. You can't reason with the unreason that's an integral part of an active gambling addiction. He won't give up until he's ready so think about what you want need and deserve. Think about why you put up with the way he treats you and speaks to you.

Protect your finances and put yourself first. Unless and until he's ready to give up you are the only one who will.

Agree with everything above. It sounds like he is definitely hiding something and not taking a proper recovery seriously at this point.

His focus is on himself and your focus should be on yourself. What do you want - can you potentially live with this forever? I'm still having the same dilema although CG hubby is doing well at the minute and going to meetings I'm petrified the red flags will start to show themselves again.

Your partner has to be willing to change or it will never happen. Completely your decision but you need to decide where you draw the line with what you are willing to put up with.

Good luck!