At the end of my tether

Hi Bluerose,

Glad to hear you sounding a little stronger. I used the chat line to talk to one of the advisors and it helped a lot. Please do get help for yourself. It won't stop his gambling but it will help to clear the fog in your brain and let you work out your next steps.

Stay strong, sending hugs x

Thank you, I'm finding I'm having good days and bad days, if I switch off to it completely and focus fully on work or the children then I'm fine but the second I start thinking about it, its like a wave of panic setting in. Yet he's fine, it's like he's told me the problem, passed it onto me and he carries on regardless while I need to figure this all out. How are you doing now @broken? Last night I confided in two friends about the whole situation from beginning to now, they were shocked and just want me to make him leave but it's just not that easy. I guess it's why I try and hide it from people, I know the advice I would give a friend in this situation and I dont like hearing it myself. I'm hoping I can speak to the helpline tomorrow, trying to find the space to talk without little ears or CG ears around has proven difficult so far. I'm trying to keep my children away from it as much as I can, I dont want them to know the ins and outs of why daddy acts like he does sometimes, they're just too little to understand it all. 

Hi @bluerose 

I used the online chat, so no need to worry about prying ears. It was shocking to see everything in writing. The next morning I was reading excerpts from the forum (not my posts) to my husband when I got home from the school run, when his parents came round.

It gave me the opportunity to make him admit to them how bad things were - he has the same name as his dad, and had used their address to access sites GamStop had blocked. His Dad was angry with me for his Mum getting upset, and there were lots of tears and shouting, mainly from me, but at least all the lies have been exposed.

After a week of asking, he gave me the log on details for his bank account, which I have changed to lock him out. I also forensically went through statements for the last 4 years to calculate how much he had spent (he didn't know when I asked), it isn't pretty as for 2 of the 4 years, he spent more than he earns.

I have kind of detached myself emotionally as it makes it easier to deal with, and makes it better for everyone to not live in an environment of constant rows.

He is reading and listening to everything he can find on the subject and has promised to go to GA meetings which is more than he has done before. My worry is for the long-term and how he will keep his current determination going. But frankly, he knows what is at stake if he gambles another penny, so it has to be up to him. We'll see.

I know what I need to do, and have told him and his family that my having full control of the finances and putting the house solely in my name are done deals if we are to stay together. 

Take care of yourself x

Thanks @Smartie2, it doesn't always feel like I'm doing well... I feel quite helpless and a bit of a bystander, and I find that hard, like I'm waiting for something that I really don't want to happen. 

I will go to GA and I have an appointment for counselling, it will be good to keep things out in the open and I think that needs to be with people who aren't directly involved.  I also need to find a balance between keeping on top of things and switching my brain off from it all, and I haven't quite worked out how to do that yet...

Thanks @Smartie2, it doesn't always feel like I'm doing well... I feel quite helpless and a bit of a bystander, and I find that hard, like I'm waiting for something that I really don't want to happen. 

I will go to GA and I have an appointment for counselling, it will be good to keep things out in the open and I think that needs to be with people who aren't directly involved.  I also need to find a balance between keeping on top of things and switching my brain off from it all, and I haven't quite worked out how to do that yet...

You do seem a little stronger now @broken, glad you e accessed some help. I just did the online chat you suggested and they've referred me to counselling. I'm so glad I called them but I'm surprisingly feeling really, really angry that I have to go to counselling because he's so blinkered and oblivious to the devastation his addiction is causing all around him. I know I need it and I know it will help me but still, I just want my nice, normal life back and at the moment, he's taken it away from me. I guess the nice, normal life I thought I had was all based on a lie though as he was secretly gambling away our future. I definitely need counselling!

@bluerose You have every right to be angry, you have been forced into a situation you didn't want or expect - why wouldn't you be angry? I was exactly the same. Sadly I'm getting used to it, and I'm trying to channel my anger to get positive outcomes for me. I have set my boundaries and the rest is up to him. If he wants to gamble more than he wants his family, he doesn't deserve us.

Good luck with the counselling, stay strong x

Thank you @broken, you too X

I had a very long and emotional talk with my husband last night, he was quite distressed that his addiction has made me feel the need to seek my own support and I told him about the counselling. It seems that we've turned a corner, he signed up for support last night and I think in answering all the questions he realised just how much he does need the support too. He has an appointment to speak to an advisor on Friday. He assures me that he does want to stop the addiction, he wants to seek help and he gave me the log in for his credit file so I can see what's going on and theres nothing of any concern. I do believe he hasn't gambled at all for 2 months, which is great and I hope that with support, he will stop for good. He knows too what is at stake if he gambles again and he knows too that one of my biggest issues is the damage to the trust in our relationship and that I need 100% transparency from him to get through this. I'm so relieved that we will both be getting the support we need to get through this, both individually and as a couple. He has also agreed to talk to a friend who has been through this and who continues to be gamble free after many years. He really respects this friend and I think this is a good step to take, as I think he could be a bit of a mentor to him. I've already spoken to his wife this morning so between us, I'm hopeful we can arrange this extra support. Thanks all so much.  

That's great news, I really hope everything works out for you both x

Okay, so we're a week on from my last post. We've had a quite a good week, I don't believe there is any gambling going on but we have had some downs. Hubby had completed registration information through Gam Care for support but he heard nothing back apparently. Should he have received something by email or phone? He was very down yesterday over financial issues, feeling like I've taken everything away from him and telling me I don't understand what he's going through. Obviously I was very upset as I'm trying my hardest to do everything in my power to help and support him, I spend all of the little free time I have learning everything I can about addiction and recovery, all the financial restrictions are in place because they need to be for all of our benefit and I have my first counselling session arranged for myself this week. I was also really angry because I haven't asked for any of this, I don't want control of all the finances, I don't want to watch his every move, I don't want to be a verbal punching bag when he's having a bad day, I don't want to constantly feel that my feelings dont matter. I didn't ask for any of this to happen, but it has and I'm doing everything I can to the best of my ability to handle this situation. He's now feeling that he doesn't need any support, and whilst I do feel he has the gambling under control at the moment, I also feel he desperately needs support emotionally, it's taking a huge toll on him and his mental health. I guess all the time he refuses support, there is very little I can do. It's pretty soul destroying knowing I'm not the one who created this situation but I'm the one willing to go to counselling and willing to be doing something to stop this from destroying us as a couple, as a family and to help him in his recovery. I really hope counselling helps me this week. Such a roller coaster of emotions, it's just exhausting and I feel completely helpless in helping him. I don't really know how I can help someone who doesn't think they need help, when very clearly they do.

I recognise this type of behaviour from my partner when his either won (happier than normal) or when his lost  (Angry or just doesn’t want to do anything almost like his depressed.)

After him actually saying he doesn’t need help and that he can control himself I now even get worried when his happier than normal because I can’t tell, unless I ask, if his been gambling. Even then I get my head bitten off.

I have recently been referred for help regarding his gambling how ever little it may be because it effects us just as much in a different ways. His agreed to see someone ‘for me’ of which I have defiantly corrected him to say for himself. 

Hope your ok

Thanks for your reply @holly_20 Has your partner taken any help as yet? I hope the counselling helps you, I've only had my assessment session so far but it was good to talk to a person about all this, even though I still find myself very angry about it all. Sorry you're in this situation too.

My husband is driving me mad, he wants me to forget all about it and just move on, which I equate to let him get away with it. He refuses still to acknowledge the problem, he doesnt see why I'm going to counselling as "it's a load of rubbish" and he wants to bury his head in the sand. We had a holiday recently and I did just that for the sake of the kids really, put it to the back of my mind and we had a lovely time. The second I got home, I remembered that we are up to our eyeballs in debt and all the reasons for it, which come down to his gambling. I cant just forgive and forget, I'm scrimping about for money to buy food and petrol and working so hard to try and get us out of this mess but he's just ignoring it. I'm anxious all the time, on edge, snappy and angry but he just wont hear me. He says hes waiting for someone to contact him re support through GamCare but I dont even think he'll speak to them, but again, he's only doing it to appease me. I'm currently in the mindset that if this is how our life is going to be from now on, I think I'd be better off on my own, which really saddens me to say as I love the real him that's in there somewhere to bits. This selfish, unseeing, uncaring person isn't the man I married and without him wanting any kind of help, I dont see how how I'm going to get him back. Sorry for ranting, had a rubbish couple of days. 

Hi @bluerose 

Thank you for your reply. I gave him the number last night and I have my first session at the end of August. 

When I gave him the number for the assessment, as it’s the same person I dealt with, I reassured him with “the guy is really nice, you just talk to him” and then what he said. “Well then he puts you with someone you actually meet and talk to”. Yeah and then they take your money for talking to them he said. “No, it’s all free!” Well what if he says I have nothing wrong with me!? He said “what!? He won’t say that to you because he only assesses you to then speak to someone” yeah but what if he says in the assessment there’s nothing wrong with me? He said. “What are you going to lie then?” I said.

his totally in denial! 

Im angry too. Luckily I’m in the position that if he doesn’t get the help I will still get it and I’ll leave him. We’ve been together a year and a half and i told him from the beginning I’m not being with a gambler and I’ve had it all up till now but I’m worried for my future. Seems like the sessions are all for nothing but his sent me mental with all his lies and secrets so I need it. 

I mean let’s see if he rings the number but I don’t think he will tell me his done it. I’ll have to ask and then it will be oh no I’ll do it tomorrow I was busy at work, I’m waiting for that excuse. 

Problem is you can choose phone calls or 1:1 face sessions. I think he will make the excuse he can’t get to sessions so he doesn’t have to face someone. For all what his like like his confident etc I don’t think his got it in him to see someone about it. 

Someone needs to kick him up the a**e and I'm Worried that he will go to these sessions and just be in denial there too. But if he does and he carries on, I’m gone and fortunately, I’m in that position where I can.