I’m not sure I really have a question but some feedback from people in a similar position or atleast who understand is appreciated.Â
My partner of 11 years has been gambling on and off it seems for our whole relationship. I only found out 4 years ago when we had been saving for a house deposit, we should have both had 10k each and I trusted he did but when it came to looking for houses etc he kept putting it off, finally I came across a letter about a loan I was unaware of and finally the truth came out that he had been gambling online and got into debt/lost any money he had. I felt like the rug had been pulled from right under me, we had a ‘break’ for 6 months whilst I worked on trying to trust him again and he worked on repaying debts etc.
In 2019 we managed to get a mortgage in principle with the deposit money I had and finally got our first house in Feb 2020. I never checked his phone, asked him about anything, I have trusted him implicitly…Silly me.
I have now found that about 6 months after getting the house he started gambling again, he was defensive when challenged initially but eventually broke down and I got some bits of information. He has moved out for now and I am at a complete loss as to how I move on, I couldn’t take it if he did this again. This time he has started gamblers anonymous but I know there are no guarantees. I have been satisfied for 10 years with what I now realise was an absent partner, always preoccupied, lacking in communication and gradually making me more and more lonely. I don’t know what I will be fighting for if I stick with it and I don’t know if I can honestly ever get that trust back. He is a lovely man and I am so sad he has been sucked into this, I feel guilty for putting my needs first and worry for his mental health if I walk away.
I am 34 and we were trying for a baby, I worry I will try to give it another go and then get pregnant and not feel strong enough to leave with a child in tow if he can’t get a cap on it. I also just wonder if after all this time it’s my opportunity to walk away and whilst I love and care for him deeply, is it better to be lonely alone than lonely in a relationship.Â
Hello ED18 and Welcome.
I feel for you and you will need support to protect yourself and learn more about this highly dangerous addiction.
This is not your fault but I think this time you need to realise that gambling is a drug addiction and it would have needed full monitoring because you can't take the addicts words at face value. Forget the trust as he does not need your trust. If you are willing to do so he should value your love and moral support to start a proper recovery
It's a monumental scandal of modern times!! At the very least it should carry a government health warning but even that is not enough. The government are in on the take which tells you all you need to know about who should have protected you both.
The trusted advice is protect yourself financially as you can only help from a position of knowledge and strength
He needs reality checks that your relationship is at stake and while together you will need to control all money
I stress again that you need to learn about this addiction as you can never be complacent again for a lifetime....do you understand?
You should feel no guilt and no shame that you trusted him. The decisions are yours to make but make no mistake you have a job on if you choose to help him.Â
It can be done. I don't know your relationship and I'm sure he has some good qualities. I'm not saying he is inherently bad. To some degree you have to factor in that an addict will do many things under the influence of cravings and control.
If you can speak to family and friends now is the time.....you may well need counselling and support groups which we can give further advice on
Best wishes from everyone on the forum
Yes, i'd argue that its better to feel lonely than lonely in a relationship you may feel trapped in
We do have to put our own needs first but I appreciate how hard that can be to do, especially if that is the nature of who you are as a person.
Its ok to put your own needs first. We cannot save others from themselves and neither should we try. Thats my opinion anyway.
All the best
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