Boyfriend is gambling

Lost in love,

I'm so sorry to hear all of that. Sounds like you have had a terrible few days.

Hearing you say all that I'm inclined to agree that enough is enough. Having said that, if you're anything like me, having one good day even if surrounded by 10 bad days always gives me a glimmer of hope and I stay. Do you still have good days ever with him?

Like you, I worry for the future. I desperately want babies and our own house but it seems gamblers can't think beyond the present time and where the next bet will come from. I don't know, I'd love to know how their minds work. It's alien to me that someone can cause so much hurt and heartbreak so wrecklessly.

I hope this doesn't sound awful but I don't think my partner is in as deep as some of the other CGs I've read about on here (unless he lies more than I realise) and I have to say, I think if what has now happened to you had happened to me I think I'd try to find the courage to start over. It's theft and for such a special cause, your disappointment must be huge.

I don't take my own advice so I don't know what use it is in giving it but you need to think about your happiness and of course, your son and his future. If you don't have any good days or glimmers of hope then what's the point? Does he talk about trying to change? Does he want to stop or like my partner does he still enjoy it?

After a really bad episode one of my friends asked me this, I really had to think, such a simple question but maybe something you need to honestly ask yourself - If you end things, what have you got to lose?

Hi half life,

Thank you for replying.

The thought has crossed my mind that he is in much deeper than I imagine but I'm almost sure he has no debt, other than the small amount I know of. I know he has a bad credit rating and can't get any more loans or credit cards even if he wanted them.

The time he went into my handbag and got my card from my purse it was only 10 that he deposited into his betting account. I know that doesn't make it right or ok.

Our direct debits bouncing worries me, I've never had money issues. I work hard and I have always paid my bills. I don't want my name tarnished by his foolishness. When I discovered they had bounced I put money into his account and then called the utility companies to try again and yet again the bounced. He'd gambled around 500. He didn't tell me but I got a letter from the electricity company and now we aren't allowed to pay by DD anymore.

The biggest thing I struggle with, or two things really, are the lies... The way he can swear blind he's telling the truth, looking me in the eye but he's lying. I could never do that and now I doubt everything he says.

The other thing is the nasty person he is because of it. He's missed important hospital visits where I've really needed him in the early part of this year because he cares more about gambling. He's snappy and irritable. Never wants to do anything fun or even have light hearted conversation. He's just dull and offers me nothing. Communication is so so hard with him. I ask him to put his phone down while I try to talk to him but he won't even do that. He is constantly on twitter and other sites looking for tips from so called pro gamblers and it absorbs 100% of his time. There's nothing left for me.

He does say he wants to quit and this week we went through or finances together and it felt positive, for one day only. He won't self exclude or try one meeting. I begged him to go to just one to no avail. He says he doesn't want to self exclude as he things he needs to be able to resist the temptation himself.

He says he has an addictive personality and has recovered from other 'addictions' in the past.

I live a single life, I sleep in the spare room most nights for one reason or another. I do things alone or with friends or family but never with him as a couple. I might as well actually be single and then maybe I stand a chance at finding someone new but I love him regardless. He has no interest in any affection, he seems to not bear to be close to me. I get grunts or one word answers at best when I try to talk to him about any of this.

I want someone to tell me the answers but I know it's impossible. Even if he goes a week without gambling will I believe him, every time he's late I suspect that's what he's doing but I feel he made his bed by lying to start with.

Do you think because he's only been doing it for less than 2 years means he can get a grip of it easier or does it have further to fall first. I really need to know how much more of my life to waste and if this is now all a lost cause.

Thanks Half Life,

I know you're right. If I'm going to listen to anyone I guess it should be other people who've lived through it.

May I ask what made your husband stop after those 4 years? Was there a real low point or breaking point?

I don't want to see my partner hit rock bottom, whether or not I'm still on the scene but I feel powerless to stop him.

I know my partner should put preventative measures in place but I also know he needs to choose it, my whining at him isn't helping.

That's partly why I'm thinking of telling his parents. I still can't decide whether to or not. I can't deal with this alone, so I either leave or see if they can help.

He's been seeing a counsellor anyway about other issues, including his depression but refuses to tell even her about his gambling.

Hi half life,

That all sounds absolutely horrific but I'm glad you've come through it.

It's so sad that things have to get so bad before a CG gets the determination to stop.

I'd love to say with complete confidence that my partner is ready to quit but I'm not sure he is. The obsession with his phone continues, it's relentless. He simply can't see it, his phone is in his hand at every given moment and I watch on feeling sad that he's letting his life pass him by. Another addiction perhaps or just an overwhelming desire not to miss tips or bookmaker news, I don't know.

I'm trying so hard not to enable him in any way, but I have no choice but to pay the bills, and can I really eat a meal for one each evening whilst he starves?

We'll see what happens with his next payday, he's mentioned giving me his money and I suppose I'll have to see if he does.

As it happens we've had a bad weekend anyway and yet again, the first thing he says is that he's looking for somewhere else to live so we might not get as far as next pay day. I've never been in such a turbulent relationship. He snapped at me when I refused him money for petrol as if I'm the one who's caused all of this.

Thanks for sharing your story, it's nice to hear one where the outcome was positive.

Im gonna reply to this post cause you did on mine. I dont no how long youve been together or how old you are. If your same as age him 35 then you dont have much time left to start a family. Iv been a gambler since I was 19 and im now 28 having stopped when I was 26 with 1 relapse but he sounds like hes deep deep into an addiction and preety much doesnt even care about you I would say get a grip of yourself and leave him might be tuff buthas to be down. Does he cry alot if not preety much doesnt want to stop and has no feeling. Does he ever do anything with you prob not by sounds of it. You pay all the bills w*f are you his mother or something. You only option I would say for you is leave. Depends how long its being going on. If hes 35 I would say hes prob been gambling for a number of years if not 10 or 15 and prob has quite alot of debt which you prob dont no about. I was with a girl for 2 years without gambling and soon as I gambled again and lost close to 2k I just told her plane and simple look iv done this and that your prob better of without me only cause I loved her and wanted the best for her and tje best thong for her was not to be with me. Would he do that for you. Prevoius when I was heavly gambling and smoking weed I never had time for a girl and tbh dident want 1 I was in an addiction. I would say your options are leave him or go see his parents and confess everything and get him help asap. Even just ask if he wants to go on holiday for couple of weeks without his phone as soon as you get bk if he goes straight to his phone then you no all he was thinking about the hole time use where on holiday was betting. Take care and gd luck whatever you do

Thanks for replying.

I'm 34, he's 35. We went to school together but we've only been together just over a year.

I don't think he's been gambling anymore than around 2 years.

This month was the first month the Direct debits bounced, I think. We have always gone halves on everything but this was the first month he gambled away his half and some of mine.

In answer to your question, no we don't do anything together. Literally nothing at all. It's something that causes lots of arguments. I really want more of his time. He plays cricket at weekends and a few times after work and works long hours too. I see very little of him.

He doesn't cry after gambling but he just says the usual things like 'I know I'm an idiot' and 'I don't deserve you'

He gets paid next week and has said I can control the money but we'll see. He seems to want to have money and not be 'poor' because of gambling but now I'm not sure how I'll ever know if he's stopped or not. I'm worried he'll get clever with his lies and cover ups.

I don't think he loves me, or at least it doesn't feel like it, which begs the question why do I stay, but I love him. I know I'm so good for him but he can't see it. Unfortunately it seems he's bad for me but I struggle to see that too. I can't switch my feelings off sadly

I've become paranoid and anxious, all things I don't want to be.

Wish my girlfriend was as loyal as you. We had been together 18 months. So you kinda need to be thinking about starting a family soon. He spends his money thats fair enough he can do what he wants but spending your money isnt really fair. Take care and gd luck think you might need it by the sounds of things. Even if you love him letting go and forgetting about him could maybe be your best bet

I noticed some people use the site as a diary, so I too want to post my latest update.

I lost my job, got made redundant. A massive blow considering I'm the one that manages my money and supports us both.

I went away this weekend and returned to my boyfriend telling me he didn't think we would work and we should cut our losses. Me being me, cried and tried to convince him that we could fix this. I love him after all. He couldn't say he was 100% certain but was just nasty and continuously told me to just f*** off etc. I could tell something had changed. I picked up his work phone and not only did I find a message to another girl telling her 'he'd like the chance to make her feel special' he'd also borrowed more money from his poor unsuspecting brother and gambled the lot. I think this is why he was angry and taking it out on me. I really thought this month he'd turned a corner with the gambling, he was so remorseful after last months money and the extra he borrowed went down the drain.

The hurt at what he said to the the girl breaks my heart and that was the final blow. Why couldn't he want to make me feel special after all of the support I've given him. I've kept his sordid secret and suffered for months with no one to talk to. I've handed the notice in on our rented house and come to my mums with just a few personal possessions, one being the ashes of our still born baby that we have still been unable to lay to rest as he can't/won't contribute to the expense. I'll now do it myself now as sad as it is.

Knowing he's in with the gambling far deeper than I thought let's me know that this the right thing. Our life wasn't moving, we haven't stepped foot out of the house as a couple since Easter.

I feel I've lost everything, my house, my job, my boyfriend and my dreams of a family.

Gambling has ruined my life temporarily and because I love him I fear for his too but I'll need to focus on me now.

Other stories on here keep me focused on moving forward but it's only day 1 and my heart is broken.

Good evening Mac1

I have sat and read your whole story tonight and hope you don`t mind me replying, I am a CG and understand every thought you have said and just want to add a few thoughts from the other side, Firstly I`m sorry to read your news about your job, but moving out will give you both space, don`t let him come with you make him stand up for himself.

All the anger he shows you is not aimed at you, but if he is anything like myself (which by the sound of it he is), it is all just self pity, He will not admit to anything but will twist to be your fault.

You will find that money has no meaning to him if losses, he will find more and in the world at the moment there are far too many people willing to lend it to him.

Don`t let the text message mean anything I used to do the same but the truth is he will have no friends and the only people that will talk to him are women who really don`t know him and he is just saying what they want to hear to keep them interested in chatting, if he dose not have time for you and his gambling then there will not be room for anyone else.

Give him a few weeks to get over his self pity, but at the same time don`t put your life on hold waiting for him, other wise he will see things as the same and not change, be yourself enjoy life and if the man you love is there to be saved he will come and find you.

Take care and keep posting together we can all be winners

Hi screwball,

Thank you for responding, it does help to get an opinion and perspective from the other side.

I know it's over, he won't come back and I need to be strong enough to try to move on. He doesn't think the gambling is a contributing factor in any of this which is so hard to understand. He blames me. I know his last girlfriend knew about it and I can only assume that's why he lost her too. He wants to be alone now. I sincerely hope he gets help and soon, maybe one day his family will find out and be his support network now I'm not around.

Duplicated post

This gets no easier. It's so hard to understand that I'm the one with nothing to lose by not being with him, yet he has everything to lose... So why am I the one in pain? Why can't he see my dedication to support him is so important in his recovery.

He's so reluctant to lay any blame on our split on the gambling and I say it's fully to blame. We were so happy before a traumatic Christmas when his depression set it. His gambling and constantly losing surely just magnifies how low he feels.

I don't know what to do, I read some posts on other pages and one in particular about a man who took his own life rather than seek help. I worry that without me my partner will spiral out of control.

I wish I could just unlove him.

Hi mac

I too have followed your diary. So many ways like mine at the beginning.

I can only say to you that it really does get easier and you will look back and wonder why the hell you ever loved such a person and gave them so much of you when in truth nothing was ever returned.

I think our heads get so consumed in them and we think we can help and again punish yourself when all the help offered makes no difference. It doesn't matter how much you love a CG they will always love the next bet more.

If he told you he was addicted to another woman would you stay? It's still lying to cover up what they're doing. Giving their time somewhere else except for where it's needed.

I believe my husband was addicted to more than just machines that happily took his money.

Cyber relationships, being his other vice. You get to be good with the workings of computers mainly trying to prove to yourself your not paranoid. I wasted time with my kids when they were little pulling my computer to bits trying to prove that the gut feelings I had weren't all in my head. I knew. I knew it all.

Every last deception.

Just get thro every day and take it as it comes. Your other half doesn't need saving. Not by you. It's something he has to do on his own. That may takes months it may take years. Don't sit around waiting for that day. Get on with your life. Sounds easier said than done but it is possible. I've got a better life with my ex in it. I've got an honest life now. And from this day forward it stays that way.

Shelly

Thanks Shellyb,

Getting through each day seems to be the one thing I can't manage. Hours just drag, not helped by losing my job I guess as I have nothing to keep my mind away from this.

I feel bad talking about him like he is a bad man, he's not, hes just so lost to this. I wish I could make him see this. I wish he had interest in reading some of the diaries from other CGs and maybe then get a kick up the backside to change.

He's from a really wonderful family, I am so fond of his parents and I hope he has the courage to reach out for help should he need it. I still wonder if I should tell them even now. I'm the only one in the world that knows about this, what if he needs help?

It's true what you say about the paranoia, I was always second guessing him, wondering why he'd be secretive with his phone, why he doesn't answer it when I knew he was in the bookies, the long hours 'at work' he made me feel like I was the one with the problem.

He's cold to me and emotionless, it hurts so much.

I hope I hurry up and get to the stage you are at. You're 4 months ahead of me and that seems like an eternity. I can't believe my only relief or place to find some comfort is on here.

Hi mac

I promise you everything you are feeling is temporary. But I'd urge you to speak to your doctor and gamcare. You and your feelings are more important than his right now. He caused this. He made you a casualty of his gambling. You did nothing to deserve it

I don't think any CG is a bad person. Often probably the nicest at times. But it does make them do bad things. He's in denial. You can't force him out of it. But it's not about him anymore it's about you.

Gamcare have great councillors they can offer ode to you. Keep close to the diary here and use it to spill everything out.

I log on as often as possible so I'll keep checking back. If you need anything I also have a recovery diary just drop me a post on there xxxx

Look after yourself please. Don't let this take you down. I've been there

Shel