So my boyfriend has been a problem gambler ever since I have known him - we have been together about 3 years now and he has always struggled financially. In the first year of our relationship he got into a lot of debt from gambling and I managed to get him to stop - he hadn’t done any bets in nearly 2 years but last week I noticed him on his phone more than usual and watching a lot more sport. This was a red flag to me because when he used to gamble he never came off his phone.Â
I brought up that I thought he was gambling again and he was very defensive - called me every name under the sun and ignored me all night. The day after he came to speak to me and stared crying, he told me had just lost £500 on a footy bet. We spoke and I was calm and understanding and also a little bit firm. I told him that if he gets an urge then he can just tell me so I can at least try and talk him out of it. I thought that we had actually got somewhere...
Today I have noticed him on his phone ALL day. He is in a very funny mood also which I think is brought on from gambling. I had a sneaky look over his shoulder and he has placed a £400 bet today and it’s completely secretive about it. I’m worried as currently he is unemployed and we are travelling to Australia in September. We both have lots of savings ready for the trip but if he falls back into his old gambling habits then I don’t think we will be going. I am hurt that even after being so open and welcoming to him and letting him know that he can speak to me that he still is choosing not too. I don’t know how much more of the lies and grumpy behaviour I can take. I am so supportive with him and it feels as though it gets thrown back at me. (When he gets caught out he is very defensive and can be quite nasty so I’m scared of bringing things up when he’s a certain way out)
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.Â
You definitely know the pattern of when he is gambling going by your post. Based on what your saying it certainly sounds like he has a problem. He needs to acknowledge this and go get help. You can advice him on this but you cant force him to change, he has to really want to stop and ask for help.
GA meetings are one of the best places for this. Also if he is serious about getting your support and really stopping he needs to give you full disclosure and access to everything (access to his online banking, credit score in case he has taken out loans or credit cards, emails and gambling accounts) . If he refuses, is nasty or aggressive, this iss because he knows you will be shocked about the amount of bets placed and the actual time spent gambling, it takes up so much of our time. Its also because he knows he must stop betting if he is tackling it and we resist this with all our might.Â
You have every right to see all this info if you are planning to go travelling together. If he refuses then the next stop is up to you. If it were me I would end the relationship if they refused to change, and thats coming from someone who is a compulsive gambler. Hopefully he gets help as the lies and manipulation are part of the addiction, he can change if he really wants to.
I wish you well
If he is not will
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Any advice would be greatly appreciated.Â
Please tell me your savings are separate from his ?
On no account bail him out.
Unemployed and placing £500 bets ?
I'd have to worry that he has no savings and potential has significant debts.
You need to have a calm sit down chat with him.
If he is being abusive, consider how much you want to be in a relationship with him.
Consider traveling on your own, unless you want to potentially put you life on hold for years (and years).
That pattern of gambling ?, it will only get worse for him and you.
It's not your fault & you cannot change him.
On no account bail him out.
I have been a Compulsive Gambler from being 17 I'm now 33 and what I have read sounds very worrying if he is unemployed and you know up to yet he as gambled hundreds of pound on one bet the amount of bets you can place is a lot try find out the damage and try to get him to stop he will only stop if he wants to but give him an ultmatem that if he doesn't be truthful and honest and stop this behaviour then you will break up with him amd it might scare him to stop what he's doing before it's to late but to me unfortunately sounds like it already is regarding the money good luck amd I wish you well amd I 100 percent agree with k2 don't bail out will make him think its OK I will just get bailed out everytime and he will do it againÂ
First thing grab his smartphone and pursue him to use normal phone(no internet excess) and keep away him earning money as no money no way to play.
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