I have read and read posts on here from partners of CG's, some of which have left and some of which (and in my opinion) have remarkably supported them through their recovery.
Personally, and I am very much aware everyone is different, but I can not stop thinking of the lies my husband has told me over the years. Regarding his whereabouts, what he is doing, the fact he has been gambling and the amount of debt he has got into. I can not stop thinking that the one person I have devoted myself to, trusted and depended on more than anyone else, could have betrayed me in such a way.
Until now, I would have said my husband was a wonderful and caring man, and would do anything for me. He says he still is that man and always has been, but now in my eyes, its all been based on deceit and lies.
My heart is telling me to walk away and I am aware my emotions are raw. For some reason my confidence has took such a knock. I cant face my studies. I was unable to deliver a presentation this morning to an assembly of 4-5 years olds as I am a nervous, quivering wreck, which is making me angry at myself even more.
Sorry for the vent, just had to get it off my chest x
Hi PB11,
Your post rang so true to me and I felt every word you said because I've been there and been through all of those thoughts daily - it ends up consuming your whole life and you have a constant anxious feeling in your stomach & your chest... I chose to stand by my partner, the lies I learned not to take personally, and that they weren't told intentionally to hurt me - I looked at them being just a symptom of the illness.... That was hard because as you say, you thought you were living this shared happy life when the reality is they have been living a whole double one which you knew nothing about. It's so painful but we both believed our love was strong enough to overcome it. I also then quickly learned the harsh reality of addiction in that love isn't always enough. He left me 3 months after I had found out. We really thought we could make it work, he told me he was going to do all these things and change and get better for our future together etc... I didn't understand why he left to start, but in hindsight, almost a year down the line now, it was that he wasn't ready to stop and I also think I should have taken some time away to gather my thoughts and figure out how I truly felt about what he had done. I was so terrified of losing the man I loved so deeply and our future that I kind of powered through without properly thinking about what he had done. I was horrible to him, I tried to be the strong one but I was so hurt by his deceit that it leaked out of me towards him, which didn't help. I thought I could do it but my actions said otherwise. So my advice would be to take a bit of time away, for you, to reflect and decide if you want a life of constantly checking up on him, not being able to 100% trust him, and if he is really genuinely ready to stop.... I think my situation would have been different if I had done those things. Some couples make it work, and I envy them deeply! But I think it can only be done if you're both on the complete same page. If you do decide to leave, it will be the biggest learning curve you have ever experienced - I have had a rollercoaster journey of self discovery and growth. I, similar to you, lost all my confidence and became a person I didn't know anymore... However I now feel I have my sparkle back and am actually grateful for the whole experience. I will always love the man I knew before the gambling, but have accepted he is gone and I cannot be the fixer... Live for your own happiness. I am also a teacher and have found a lot of strength from children... They have brightened my darkest days! Good luck xxx
Hi,
We're still together but we're struggling. He just wants to "move forwards" but I find that I can't let go of twenty years of deceit and other addict behaviour quite so easily. Barriers are in place, we both go to meetings and counselling but there's no guarantee that our marriage will survive.
Not sure this helps - sorry.
CW
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