Can it get better - Part 2

sorry, somehow double posted.

Is he willing for you to look at all of his accounts tonight? Bank accounts, credit cards, emails and perhaps most importantly his credit file/ experian/ noddle etc?

I might be out of order, I am a compuslive gambler so it certainly wouldn't be the first time but my instinct, based on what you have written is that he is still gambling.

If he isn't willing to let you look at everything - whatever you want without any hesitation that maybe he has turned a corner, maybe he is doing ok right now. If so, great, then you can decide what you want from life and if there is a way you can proceed and what you need from him.

If he hesitates, tells you he will get statements and show you or refuses, then there is something to hide.

At points, I distracted my wife, delayed, made excuses until she would stop asking but I have actually created an exact replica of a bank statement before, thankfully I didn't get to the point of showing it to her but it was ready, it was very convincing too

For twenty years of my life, I would do virtually anything to hide my secret and think I actually went in long spells of even convincing myself I didn't have a problem.

I hope he gives you full access and can explain any spending

best wishes

Hi a compulsive gambler is always a compulsive gambler. You cannot stop him, or stop it happening again, only he can. You have said 'empty threats'. So don't make them. What I think you need is to learn to 'let it go'. Do things that make you feel safe. Control the finances? Secure your money. Work out what you need to 'see' and go from there. I learnt very early on that nothing I said or did would stop him. Its up to you what you are willing to put up with. Maybe you should look into a meeting gamanon or coda? Or some counselling to help you deal with how it's affecting you. He knows that the threats you've made haven't been followed through, so it's almost like saying 'I don't mean it' or 'it's ok to gamble'. GA and active blocks, honesty and 100% transparency from him will make you feel better. If he's not willing then he's keeping the door open to continue. Get some support, call gamcare.

Hi both, thanks for replying. He had said in November and our conversation the other night he's more than happy to let me look at his bank statements but its me who is saying no to this. Our finances are not tied together in any way (no joint accounts etc. and the mortgage is in my name, previously we were renting together. After November he put all utilities in my name as he said he knew it would be the first thing suggested on these forums and he wanted to do it before I demanded it) I have said before to him it is his money and I will not become responsible for that or the way he spends it, I don't want to police what he is doing but it is the gambling and lying that gets to me and makes me not want to do anything that would tie us together (get a dog, try for kids etc.) I have said that me telling him how I feel the other night worries me that he won't be open with me in the future if he does gamble as I (think I have) made it very clear that if it happens again we are over and he is gone, but it got to the point where I couldn't not say anything because I am so so down about it all. He has said before that gambling at times has been more important than me/us and been with him a lot longer than I have and that's stuck with me. I try to be supportive and help in whatever way I can, I offered to take him to GA which he initially said he would go to but then a fortnight later said he only said that to keep me happy (despite never actually going) and thought him getting the block on his phone was a step in the right direction but less than 2 months later he got rid of it so it was pointless. He said the other night about us going to counselling together but I do not want to do that, but then I also don't want to spend the next however long worrying abut something that (as far as I am aware up until this point) hasn't happened (again) yet.

Hi,

It is a good sign he is willing to let you look, has he however 'just said this to keep you happy' will he actually do it, the credit reports are cucial as it would highlight anything hidden.

I get your reasons behind not wanting to look but I don't see how you move it forward without doing so? Ultimately a lot comes down to trust and having evidence etc is surely a good way to rebuild this trust - you would be doing this with him, so you arent being sneaky or underhand yourself.

I also don't mean to suggest you should 'do' anything for him, he can still control all his accounts, if that works for you both, however if you remain together, it does leave you more vulnerable.

As the CG, I now do virtually everything financial but it is all through my wife's accounts etc - I can't log into any of them. So I guess really we are doing everything together but what I mean is I am the one that arranges insurance, utility bills, dd and so but my wife logs in and then I make the payments etc but without her I cannot access that money

She also has a safe (£25) on which all of my details are stored, email password, bank account log in, credit report log in (I only have one bank account) - she CAN log into any of them whenever she wants and I do enourage her to do so.

Just one final point I'd say, my wife previously told me if I gambled again we would be over, I gambled again and convinced myself that I couldn't tell her as we would be over, so it was hidden, one bet became two bets, four bets etc, then it got to the stage where I really coudln't tell her.

Only when I did finally confess (due to being multiple thousands in debt) she didn't leave straight away, it still might cost us our marriage, that might still be a consequence of my choices but we are trying.

I am early stages still but have never felt like I have a better chance. My wife has made it clear she doesn't want to live her life like she was but we have also agreed that she will not make that ultimatum. I am a compulsive gambler and my promises are worthless, it is all about my actions. I can promise to never gamble but it's pointless, I don't want to gamble and I want a life without it but I am an addict and I must acceot that. I hope I dont but maybe one day I will gamble, if I do then I hope I am able to reach out straightaway. If I do then my wife will have a decision to make.

If I gamble and lie, If I return to being deceiptful and dishonest then it's decision made.

not sure if any of that makes sense but I know what I mean.....

Morning,

The trouble is that we get caught up in what the gambler is or isn’t doing and we lose ourselves and our power along the way. For information only, there are a few basic measures that any gambler who is committed to stopping will take: (1) regular attendance at GA and a sincere attempt to work their program; (2) blocks and blockers ie self exclusion / blocking software / handing over financial control; (3) honesty and openness with those who need to know, ie no secrets. Will power isn’t on the list because the gambler is powerless over the gambling and Allan Carr is not a substitute for anything. The idea is to promote self development, to become the sort of person who faces life without using. Money and debt are a distraction; gambling by definition involves a net outflow of money and therefore debt but the gamblers who focus on their debt don’t focus on their addiction.

That might give you some guidelines but if you want change, then your focus should be on you. Waiting for him to change will achieve exactly what you have achieved so far - tinkering and lip service but no self development. And you have no means of causing his self development, you are you and he is him. You didn’t Cause the gambling, you can’t Control it and you can’t Cure it. What you can do is get help for you to learn about yourself and to learn how to make the best decisions for yourself. When you learn how to look after and develop you, that brings about change in those around you. Best way is via GamAnon and CoDA meetings and also by reading up on addiction and codependency.

Your answers lie with you.

CW