Hi. I'm new to this forum. I've been with my partner 5 years, due to get married in July. I knew nothing of his gambling problem until we moved in together and he told me he had gambled away all the money we were saving for our wedding, about £1000. I took away access to the joint account and put blocking software on his phone and naively thought he would be able to kick it himself - he insisted he didn't need help. Now, I wish I had done something. When he got a new phone and the blocking software subscription ran out, I didn't renew it. We are now nearly £20,000 in debt. He told me he'd lost £300 yesterday, then when I insisted on accessing his bank, said it was £3000. When I asked what a payment was, he broke down and said he has two loans out totalling £15000. He's also into his whole overdraft of £3000. I don't know how to cope with all the information, and support him at the same time. We have other hurdles to deal with, as both our mothers are very ill and unlikely to actually make it to our wedding. I got no sleep last night, just seeing the future I'd mapped out for us turn to dust. Can't afford to rent a bigger place, no savings for a deposit, no chance at a mortgage with his credit score and all that debt, no way we can afford children. Can a relationship survive this?
Any advice would be gratefully received.
Hi pixie...welcome to a great place for help....I'm sorry to read your story...I'm the gambler in my relationship....and as yet have not told my hubby...so I'm not best placed to help you...someone in the same boat as you will come along soon...take care x
Hi Pixie,
i am so sorry to read your story and i know exactly what you are going through. i have just learned that my boyfriend of 4 and a half years has a huge addiction and he has also taken loans out and borrowed from friends. He is not ready to get professional help. We have seperated for now until he can get himself sorted but until he seeks professional help and is ready to stop there is no coming back from it. I am absolutely heartbroken so I can imagine how you are feeling with a wedding coming up. It is completley your decision and you need to ask yourself if this is something that you can live with.
Hey pixie
I've been where you are but I'm now a further 5 years and two kids down the line, I actually still ask myself the exact same question (it was my last post forum on this website) . I love my husband. The thing that hurts the most is the trust, I don't trust a word he says. If you think your strong enough then ride the wave, there are good times and bad times, I worry about the impact on my children! They pick up on vibes. It's very emotionally draining, always a fight to try and do what's best. My advice would be don't rush into the wedding, concentrate on your parents and support each other with that then reconsider marriage- is it right for what you want for your life? Your future? Your children? Good luck xxx
Hi pixie,
I have often read the f&f posts but gave never had the courage to post but felt compelled to after reading your post
I'm sorry to hear this has happened to you. Unfortunately I am the mirror image of your partner I have done the same things as him. I have done done horrible things to my now ex partner over the 20 years I was with her. They was not all bad years but the past 3 years were the worst by far. I took out loans upped overdrafts and the final straw was spending the loan and savings we had for our wedding. I came clean but I had no choice all the bills were due for the wedding the invations where in envelopes after me using every excuse under the sun why they had not gone out. The game was up with only 10 weeks to go I couldn't keep lying and deceiving.
Not a hour goes by with out me regretting my actions but when I was in my gambling bubble nothing else mattered of that I am ashamed. I so wish I did not have the experience to be able to respond to you.
While I have not gambled for 4 months. for me this has been to late part of me is glad that I am not with my ex it was no life for her and to bring up my son in that environment would of only been poisonous.
I feel now I am different person and have changed so much for the better and I would jump at a chance to be back but that's not my choice I made mine which I have to live with.
In not saying you have to do the same as my ex did but if you do stay together I would say you need to be aware how hard this will be for both of you. he needs to get help GA, Gamcare, counselling you to have full control of the finances but the most important thing I think is he needs to admit he is a compulsive gambler he has to accept the changes that need to be made. He has to want to make them or they mean nothing. Have a read of my diary im not proud of it but it might give you a insight
I wish you well in what ever choice you make
Hi, Pixie,
I'm sorry to read what a bad time you're having.
I would read the forum, particularly this section, there are a lot of stories about the question of whether a relationship can survive. With an active gambler, no, it shouldn't; why would you want to be with someone who treats you as a CG does, who lies, steals, and transfers the blame onto you? An active CG will drag you down with them. And you can end up lying to yourself, ie it's not that bad, he's a good person really, he needs me...Not healthy.
A CG in recovery? Who no longer gambles? Maybe. You can't trust financially, you have to have everything in your name and drip feed money to them, you have to be vigilant without being paranoid, you have to live your life without your happiness and security being dependent of their addiction, it's hard to have balance and equality. Vital for success is mutual respect. A relationship is possible but it's not easy. You should understand what's involved, what's required to protect you, and think long and hard about whether to take it on.
I have stayed, so far, but I don't recommend my experience.
For now, I would suggest that you don't try to replace the wedding fund and concentrate on you and your ill mothers. This is definitely a case of one day at a time.
Take care,
CW
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