Can the hate ever go away?

Hi I hope you are Ok, I'm new here myself and have an understanding of how you may be feeling. Me and my husband have been together since our teens I'm now 35 we have children. He used to drink a lot and played fruit machines. Just recently he's been acting very strange, I had access to his emails as we were going on holiday and the email confirmation was in his I noticed lots of mail from betting sites began to worry. I asked him if he'd been gambling he said no but the funny feeling just wouldn't go. 1 week later and I ask him again he said he had a couple of bets I said I'd like to see his bank statements they are all online we don't have joint account because he was never great with money. I've found 6 years of gambling hundreds and hundreds on at least 20 sites he's had tips for bets too I too feel totally betrayed I trusted him so much after 22 years together its heartbreaking. He does not think he has a problem he keeps lying I've told him if he doesn't seek out help like ga I'm going to leave I've tried gently talking to him but he thinks everything is fine and states that there is no way he's gambled for so long as though the statements are wrong. I've put up with him being what I think was almost alcoholism and supported him he's like a child I mean there's so many times where he didn't come home after nights out drinking heavily and the reason I gave him the ultimatum which I will follow through with because I have children and don't want them to grow up with him gambling all our livelihood away. Problem is his family are into gambling and I feel they will enable him. I'm not sure I'm right to say this to him that I will leave but ultimately my kids and me have to live our lives though I know he's got an addiction and I feel so sorry but how can we help those that don't see the problem for what it is. This may not be the right advice for you but I think it's the only way to get my man to see sense but I will update you in a week or so. I hope you will also update. I'm thinking of gam anon have you heard of it? It's support for gamblers family. Good luck

Hi Kate. We have a 5 year old too. There's sadly no gamanon meetings in my city (and it's one of the biggest ones, so that surprised me). I hope your husband sees sense and what he can lose. Mine is having counselling now and in the process of self excluding etc. The practical things are happening. I'm just wondering now if there's any way back relationship wise. Good luck to you

I can't answer about how you will feel about him after what you have been through. I can totally understand how it would create potential trust issues in the future. However from a CG's point of view i would say that personally i found gambling as well as my time and money, took my emotions. I became numb to the wins/losses and to everyone around me. I didn't care for how other people felt emotionally because i was so down about my self i didn't want to hear how great everyone else was doing. I was depressed and felt isolated while actively gambling. It was my escape. I didn't enjoy it but i was drawn to it.

He has to have reached the point of FULLY wanting to quit. If he is at this point he will do everything he can/you want him to not just because you want him to, but for himself. If he is totally at this point he can be helped. It takes time away from the routine of gambling to start some soul searching and self reflection. It will take some time but im only 75 days in and i already feel a world away from where i was them 75 days ago.

A lot of the f&f on here will tell you not to make any rash calls when it comes to relationships. When you first find out about this you are bound to be confused, angry and feel betrayed. I don't know about gamanon but i have phone counselling myself as a CG, maybe this option is available to you? I would suggest both of you learning up about this addiction. It'll help you both understand better what it does to you/those around you etc.

Hi jazzmax no one can really comment on how you feel or what to do regarding your relationship. There is online gamanon meeting Sunday 8-9. When you discover the gambling it's a massive shock, anger is natural. Advice is to wait and see some change. You say he's been flakey for a while which is probably due to gambling. The more anger you have the more he will withdraw. You need to look after yourself and your daughter. Lock down the finances. Download software blocks to gadgets, he can do that. There have to be changes from both sides. None of this is your fault but anger will not help. It gives the gambler an excuse. It's a repetitive cycle, behaviours repeat and the gambler goes to his 'fix' to make him feel better. The way forward is change. Change how you deal with things. Gambling makes you feel worthless, depressed, self loathing. It's progressive, destructive. They are addicts. There is a way forward but if you continue to say you hate him, have no respect for him, there is no room for being positive. Unfortunately we have to take a long hard look at ourselves and change. It helps. The other thing you should look at is support. I know there isn't a gamanon meeting near you. Try online. Call gamcare get some counselling. Regardless of whether your relationship survives you need to deal with your feelings. Your anger will destroy you and distract you from what needs to change. I'm sorry that you feel like this but things can get better if you want them to.

The way he's been behaving is fairly standard for an active CG. Mr L was truly vile while he was in action and it's not until it all comes to light that the reason becomes obvious.

IME once they stop and really mean it the gambling fog starts to clear fairly quickly and glimpses of the real person start to come through reasonably quickly. Personally I wouldn't worry about any outbursts you make. I walked on eggshells first time round and got it thrown back in my face so second time round he was left in no doubt what I thought of his behaviour. Sometimes it was an itch that just needed to be scratched.

It can get better but it takes time. You may find once things feel more under control and he's started to show he means what he says things improve but there are no guarantees.Its a long hard road for everyone involved. Read up on what you're both up against, get RL support wherever you can (friends and/or family?) Keep putting yourself first.

Your anger is a signal to you that all is not well and it’s a signal that should be heeded. Surpress it at your peril. What counts is less that you are angry and more what you do about it.

Is there CoDA near you? Will do an equivalent job to GamAnon. It’s very easy to be a victim, I personally have spent over two years in victim mode. We don’t Cause the gambling (angry or not), we can’t Control the gambling and we can’t Cure the gambling. But we can learn how to live happier and more manageable lives for ourselves, we can learn to detach from addict behaviour, we can change ourselves, learn to value ourselves and learn to distinguish between our responsibility and other people’s responsibility. Not easy lessons but they need to be learnt in order to move on.

A couple of ideas to think about: We teach people how to treat us. We can’t control someone else’s negative behaviour, but we can choose not to participate in it. A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect. These are the sort of things that CoDA is teaching me, which I find helpful.

CW