Can you rebuild trust?

Ps sorry for lengthy post

I was going to let someone better placed than me respond but the sorry did it...Welcome to the forum Mrsm2017 🙂

You never need apologise to anyone here for long posts or indeed anything. You have found out the hard way that you need to trust your instincts but saying that, a gambler in true recovery has nothing to hide, that's the main beauty of it for us, no more secrecy . I would say you can rebuild trust but that will need to come from him being open & honest, answering all of your questions no matter how trivial they may seem. There may be other practical measures such as keeping an eye on his credit reports but it's for you to decide what level of scrutiny you need. You may need to separate love & money but if he commits to a sustained recovery program, there's absolutely no reason why you can't build the relationship back up. More importantly, you may find it strengthens as he works on his character defects & becoming a stronger person.

I would disagree slightly in regards to owing it to your daughter to work things out because truth is, he's really hurt you & you owe it to yourself to do what's right for you & her. The best way to do this is to get yourself support (GamCare offer free counselling to loved ones) & if there is a GamAnon group you can get to, all the better because you need to put yourself first - ODAAT

Hi

We've all been there with the lies, deceit and manipulation. My husband is the CG in the house and the way we have it set up means I see everything he does financially. His access to credit has been limited in various ways, not least by the DMP and defaults he accrued but he also has notices of correction posted with all three agencies stating he does not wish to be offered any credit even if he applies for it and/or appears to qualify. He has a bank card for the joint account which has a small but unused theoretical OD limit and I keep the available balance at nil so I can see at a glance what's going through. I keep the card to his own (basic) account which receives his salary and also operate it. He doesn't routinely carry cash and I open any post I want to. Every savings account and other asset is in my sole name. He accepts the lack of trust as one of the consequences he's had to face but he also finds it a relief not to have to think about money. He has as much input into major purchases as he's ever had and he can look at the bank accounts any time he likes (although he never asks) but he will never have unscrutinised access to them again.

You need to protect your own interests as far as you can. You can't control whether or not he gambles again. That's his responsibility and if he wants to he will but limiting any damage he can do is reassurance and security for you and your daughter. Full openness, honesty and transparency is the least he can offer after the way he's behaved. Once you've stemmed the financial bleeding you have breathing space to see whether he means what he says. If he doesn't your choices lie with how much if any of the behaviour that goes hand in hand with active addiction you tolerate.

Put yourself and your daughter first.

Hi this is my first time here. Just ran away from my husband after realising he has relapsed. I felt that we both needed a bit of space. It seems that he is trying to get help, attended a first GA meeting tonight (we are in touch via phone). He is planning a visit with a councillor. I am due to go back home tomorrow. Even though he is saying all the right things I am so scared to believe him. I heard it all before... One of the posts above mentioned a recovery plan. How can I found out more about it? Would a councillor help to create a long term plan?

Hi,

Sorry to hear it.

A long term recovery plan isn't some specialist term, it's just someone's idea of how to overcome addiction. Usually there are four pieces of basic advice, to attend GA and work the Twelve Steps program, to complete a course of counselling, to be honest with loved ones and anyone else who needs to know and to maintain habitual barriers to gambling. There's a lot of advice about breaking the time money-location-triangle, take one of these factors away and gambling's not possible. However, the person who has to do all this is him, not you. And he will only do it if he chooses to, you can't make his choice for him.

Your problem is the effect that his gambling is having on you. It's tempting to think that there's some magic formula that you're missing to "make" him stop but no, the magic formula, blue pill, it doesn't exist.

Move the focus to you and keep it there. Protect yourself financially. Think about what you need and expect from a life partner (he's not a toddler and you're not his mother) and whether you're getting it. You need targeted help and advice and support from GC and GamAnon, it's available but you have to take it. That will help you step back from the chaos and make the best decisions for you.

Bea, you might want to start your own thread, press New Topic at the bottom of the Friends and Family page.

Look after yourselves.

CW

Hi thanks your replies and advice it's really helpful. For me I was just shocked. First time round he told me even though it was a significant amount of money. In hindsight I prob didn't know the ins and outs and perhaps should have done some research. But I can't change what's passed. I never thought he'll never gamble again but I certainly never thought that he could deceive me in the way he has. He is a good man, aside from the gambling!! He's an excellent dad and our little girl idolises him. I am shaken up for want of a better phrase for how easily the lies came and How long they went on for without me questionning it. Since October he's attended every ga meeting (something he didn't do last time) like I said I have his salary now paid directly to me. He's showing me his bank statements every week and unconnected to the gambling is showing me more interest than he has in months. He's more helpful around the house etc. Like a huge weight as been lifted from his shoulders. BUT how do I know this isn't a brief period of normality and having spent years putting my life on hold and now being faced with the same what if it happens again? I asked him if he wanted to be involved in our monthly budget and he said he didn't think he should have anything to do with money yet. He did negotiate a repayment plan with payday loans after I told him what we could afford to pay each month (I'm paying them direct though not via him just in case!!) it it was just the gambling I think I could get my head round it buts it's the lies I'm finding the hardest. my feelings for him are very confused. Some days I'm vile and thats just not me its horrible. But other days I look at him and think I want to see it to the other side. I'm just bitter. We both have good jobs yet we live in a 2 bed rented house with two aging cars on the drive and no savings because so much goes on debt. I know that material items are just that but I feel like we work hard for nothing!! But thinking positive we are communicating better than we have in a long time so there's hope hey!! I think there are .peoplr on here with far worse circumstances than me I just want to hear some success stories to know it can be ok in the end

Hi Mrsm2017

Might I suggest that if you are in this for the long haul so to speak that you arm yourself with all the information you can on gambling addiction. I know it's probably that last thing you feel like doing but knowledge is power. Reading both sides of this forum you will realise that neither you nor your husband are alone or unique to this.

I think we all feel/hope that this will just go away but it doesn't and it's c**P how much both you and your daughter's lives are directly and indirectly affected by it. Of course you feel bitter,angry and vile...who wouldn't? As for the lies... they go hand in hand with addiction.

It can always be ok in the end but you need to concentrate on your own success. Looking after you and your daughter comes first... research on addiction, Gamcare and GamAnon will help you with this. Your husband's success is all on him. Nothing you do or say is going to help him want/work on a long term recovery. Obviously you need to be in charge of the finances for your well being but the rest is something they have to do on their own.

Take Care

Cathyx

Hi all

My first visit and therefore first comment. Mrsm2017, your language mirrors mine in many ways. I never expected to be in this place and feel really sad about the loss of the sense of safety and security I felt in my relationship. I never felt 'unsafe' in a physical sense but perhaps the lies, deception and hurt have left me feeling emotionally unsafe. I too find myself acting out in a totally unpredictable and 'vile' way that is so very unlike me. How strong everybody seems despite the circumstances that bring us all together. I wish you all well and, for now, want to thank you all for the stories you have shared in response to Mrsm2017's post. The advice is equally relevant to me.

MrsM2017....we are so similar. I am too renting and have a 4 year old and pregnant with our next....two found out today he has relapsed. Don't know what to do 🙂

This time seems different to but so unsure if to trust?!