Completely blindsided!

Hi kit Kat sorry to see this, we have all felt like that, devastated, where do we begin, how could you? So first you need to seek help, call gamcare. Get advice on managing debt for him. This isn't your debt. Secure your finances, separate accounts, nothing joint. There are agencies who help like step change. Debt camel is another people mention. Online blockers download to all gadgets and phones. Self exclusion. GA for him and gamanon for you if you want support and real life practical help. I started by making lists, budgets, what had to be paid what was luxury. There are many ways to get by but remember this is his mess, he needs to deal with it. Trust? No don't trust him at the moment he needs to show you he's doing everything he can to sort this. He needs to admit. He sounds like he's in denial, didn't realise? No way, they just don't want to think about it. Look after you, make sure bills are paid, his debt is last on your list. He can negotiate repayments, talk to the bank, get a debt plan. Look after yourself!

Thank you for the response. we have one joint account that bills come out of but rest is separate (I feel this is also how he has managed to get in such a mess!). I have told him this is his debt and I will not pay anything towards getting him out of it. I have the kids to look after and cannot afford to give him any extra. We have identified the underlying issues that have triggered this (we lost a baby and his mum and he hasn't dealt with this). He has a good job and says he accepts he has used gambling as a way of dealing, and trying to give us a better life. But instead he has ruined us. He says the underlying depression has caused him to gamble but right now I just don't believe he realises just what he has done. I'm trying to help him but in some ways feel like I'm trying to punish him. Just can't understand anything right now! I want to believe he won't gamble again but I just can't! He seams more annoyed that I've taken my engagement ring off, but it was probably paid for with credit cards so it just means nothing to me right now! Thanks for listening x

Hi kit Kat you're doing the right thing. Try and be calm don't enter in to arguments that just gives them excuses. You can only deal with today, don't say he'll never gamble again, today is what you've got. There is no control. You cannot stop him, it's not your fault. Things will calm down. Read others stories on f&f . Also get support for you to help with your emotions.

Hi

Sorry to see this. It's rubbish when we find out what's been going on but unfortunately even though you are reeling you are the rational one and that means having to get the finances under your own control immediately. Once you've done that there's time and space to think about other aspects without the possibility he's racking up more ruin behind your back.

He's making the right noises but it would be very unwise to trust a word he says without seeing proof of it for yourself. There's no rush to trust either. After three plus years I have only just been able to bring myself to allow Mr L potential access to a limited amount in savings and even then they are in an account I see daily. Everything else is and will remain in my sole name.

Your partner needs to be the one looking into debt solutions. CG's live in a bubble of unreality. Anything that helps make the connection between action and consequence is good for them. Payplan and Stepchange are good places for hin to start. He should also be looking into counselling (Gamcare offer free sessions) and finding out about the nearest GA meeting.

Read up on the addiction, get support for yourself and make sure you put you and the kids first. If he's determined to gamble he will. Worrying about whether he is or not will drive you insane. Focus on what you can control and what you need.

Gamcare offer online counselling which more manageable if you trying look after kids etc. It's so hard. I'm in similar place. About do second session . Over last six weeks I've realised for myself that I can only look after me and kids and even then I can't stop other halfs behaviour impacting in either me or them. Rather I have to be confident that if it's over the line, we exit. I have to trust myself. You are the same- trust yourself and that way is a bit of peace. X

Hi kitkat .

Many thank's for your contribution and kind word's on the f and f section .

I'm sorry to read of your husband's gambling and how badly it's affected you and it nice that youv'e received such good advice from other's on the forum and I can only mirror those comment's really in that at the moment you need to focus on protecting yourself from any further damage and any claims of non gambling now be based on proof and transparency .

The whole trust issue and will it return is a thing only you can decide in time , personally if he adheres to a plan to be open and honest and you can clearly see this then I can't see why not , I'm a believer in if gthe foundations are strong then you can alway's rebuild .

My best wishes and thank's for your time .

Alan x