Last weekend, after a drunken argument. I asked my husband if he had anything to hide from me and if there was anything he wanted to put on the table.Â
This led to the next morning that he was betting again, he wasn’t in debt but he was gambling away money left right and centre. I knew this, I could tell by his behaviour of turning his phone towards him more, quickly swiping off things and putting his phone in his pocket.
For weeks prior, I asked if he was hiding anything and that he’s making me paranoid if not because he was acting weird, and he agreed I was paranoid and fed into the lies and made me believe I was going mad. For context, I’m 7 months partum to our baby and going through some post partum depression along side all of this so I really thought it was me and my hormones and generally feeling depressed.Â
We had a massive chat and he told me he is addicted to betting. I didn’t ask about the money because it’s gone, nothing would change that so I asked if he had anything debts, loans, credit cards etc and he said there wasn’t any apart from the one I knew about. I now have access to his bank account which he willingly gave me and he is on Gamstop and is using this platform to find support.Â
I’m looking for advice on how the hell to move forward, with trust, anger and the betrayal of it all.Â
Hi
My wife had reached her limit with me.
She explained that her pains were caused not by lack of money but her pains were caused by ,ies.
She asked me if she could ask me every day if I Have gambled and that I would be honest with her.
In time I got to understand how painful betrayal is.
Due to trauma in my life I Had suffered in so many painful ways.
Walking in to the recovery I got to understand that I was a survivor.
By having therapies in time that emotional intimacy helped heal the hurt inner child in me.
First emotional intimacy and honesty with myself.
Then emotional intimacy and honesty with others in the room.
Then emotional intimacy and honesty with my family.
I could not love others until I loved myself.
I could not respect others until I respect myself.
Healing Love and peace.
Dave L
AKA Dave of Beckenham
Hello A1293,
Welcome to the forum. Thank you for sharing your story.
Well done for talking with your husband about your concerns. You mentioned that at one point he lied to you and that he let you believe that you were paranoid, and now you are wondering how to move forward with issues like trust, and anger about betrayal.
The feelings you mention are normal responses, it is reasonable that you have concerns about the trustworthiness of others, if they have not been honest and straightforward with you. Repairing trust can take time, as it often requires ongoing evidence of trustworthiness. Feelings of anger or hurt about having your trust betrayed, are also ordinary responses, and it can also take time to process those feelings too, and they can resurface at different times. It can be realistic to recognise that these feelings are normal, and that they can take time to work through. You can make constructive use of the feelings, by using them for motivation to focus on what actions, arrangements or sources of support could be helpful to yourself in this situation.
It sounds like you have arranged to have oversight of your husband’s bank account, so that you can have more direct information about what is happening on his bank account. You might like to look at this resource: https://www.gamcare.org.uk/self-help/managing-your-money/
GamCare can offer you support on our freephone 0808 8020 133, and via Live Chat and WhatsApp, all available to call 24/7, for 1-2-1 conversations about support for you. If you like, we can let you know about your local services, that could allow you to have free 1-2-1 appointments by videocall, for example https://www.gamcare.org.uk/get-support/find-local-support/
If you like the option of peer support, you might like to try out the GamCare chatrooms dedicated to affected others  https://community.gamcare.org.uk/chatrooms/
GamCare also offers a facilitated group course called Way Forward https://www.gamcare.org.uk/news-and-blog/blog/way-forward/
You mention that you have had some experience of postpartum depression, so this is another challenge to take into consideration, and can be another reason to prioritise self-care and using support. For support with the postnatal depression, please check out these pages:
https://www.nhs.uk/mental-health/conditions/post-natal-depression/overview/
https://pandasfoundation.org.uk/
Take care,
Adam.
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