Depression & gambling...

can you get to a gam anon meeting? it would give you some insight into how GA is working for him, but more importantly it would provide you with some support and understanding in this situation that you cant control, some introduction to new understandings of trust in realtionships and how it works.

I stayed with mr pangolin, where many told me not to and it is rewarding at the moment, but it has been awful at times, not the money, the lies, but you know all that already. I found gam anon particularly helpful because i could talk to parents of gamblers, people who, for different reasons, were not going to walk away. Stories from siblings and children of gamblers gave me yet more perspectives.

Talking is how I cope (I used to be the most reserved person on the planet, never confided in anyone, but his problems have made me reach out and its helped me immensely).

Recovery is an emotional rollercoaster for everyone, we're perhaps different in that mr pangolin felt he couldnt carry on without his family, so arresting the gambling and going to GA was initially a way of staying in the house, which has turned into a committed recovery that is, at last, independent of me. It means we can be in love again, becaause i am not his carer any more. not emotionally anyway.

So perhaps your partners independence can be seen as a good thing, he is recovering the man and letting go of the gambler and if he doesnt expect you to nurse him through that, he's showing the right sort of strength. Harsh on your emotions i know, but better in the long run.

I hope that GA can help him to let his gambling become his past, this is one of the most empowering things they have done for mr P. He has remorse, he has faced up to the damage he has done and is working on reaching a place where he can begin to make ammends, he can move forward because he is leaving his past behind, if that makes sense and you can help him by acknowledging too that whats done is done, tomorrow is a new day. But really, most of all, just listen, let him tell you what he's done, let him be honest and then he can let things go.

Mr P finds a great deal of security in me managing all the finances, he has a daily amount of cash to get him necessities at work and doesnt want anymore responsibility than that, he doesnt trust himself, thats a way i can help him. He has really enjoyed the return of sky tv and the odd meal out, things that we can afford if its left up to me, make him feel like life is getting back on track.

I told everyone who needed to know what was going on, that way i dealt with initial shocks and judgments, as it turned out people were very supportive and gentle, which he didnt expect, he has been humbled by the way people have offered support, people who were at their wits end with him when he was gambling and lying, are much kinder now they know he is fighting the good fight.

This is why i think gam anon and counselling services are of so much benefit to partners too, you go through this **** alone and you cant depend on them for a long time, because the pressure is too much, but there is support that you can get for yourself out here.

Thank you pangolin. Your words were touching and have given me strength today when I've felt lacking in it!!! I'm glad to hear that things are working for you and your situation gives me hope. I have always swore by my gut instinct and I have always truly believed that we would get through this, don't get me wrong that hope has flickered a lot in the last two months but it's never gone out. I know what a great man is inside him, I know his potential and what he is capable of and truly believe he will overcome this. I have told him all of this but the thing is at the moment he doesn't believe it himself. This addiction has completely overtaken him. This is the hardest thing I've been through in my life, I miss him like mad and just want to help him. It breaks my heart seeing him so broken and not letting me help him. I know he loves me too but says he can't be the man I need him to be right now, I told him all I want is for him to be with me... But he doesn't think he can even do that fully 🙁 how do I handle this better? There's days when I'm really strong too but others I miss him like mad and really struggle to understand what he's going through. How do I find out about gamanon meetings? I do think this would help me. I had tried to look before but can't see any in scotland? I live in Glasgow. Thanks so much again xx

Gam-anon scotlands webiste should be able to help you find a meeting,

http://www.gamanonscotland.org/

in the meantime, i would suggest making your life nice while you wait for him, its hard being strong all the time, so investing in yourself is important, some time with a hobby or just more hot chocolate and bubble baths! Let yourself have evenings, days where you dont think about his addiction and spend some time with the nicer side of life, its where you both want to be, so sort out a road for getting yourself there. If and when he's ready, i think he will follow.

To be honest the bigger the scare he's given himself, the better, compulsive gamblers are impossible to live with and its so frustrating when a recovering one decides that he can manage to have a few bets without going off the rails. so hopefully this is it for him.

A word of warning though, keep your eyes open, he could be keeping you at arms length to hide having slipped back into gambling already. you will always have to be vigilant, so practice it now too. not that there is anything you can do if he is gambling, but be vigilant so you can protect yourself from further hurt.

we cant udnerstand what they go through, we can only create circumstances where avoiding gambling is possible for them, we cant save them, just give them somewhere to turn to if they decide to save themselves, rescuing them doesnt help them or us, they have to save themselves.

keep talking

Pangolin thank you so much. I can't tell you how much your words have helped me tonight. I found a meeting and am going to go on Saturday, feel a bit daunted by it but hoping it will help. Yes that thought has crossed my mind too however he's back at his mums who has control of his finances and I control out joint account where our bills come out of. He's continued to pay into this since he's been away so is a positive sign I guess.

Again, thank you so much, I was close to giving up and losing hope tonight. Take care xx

Thankyou and well done you, you are coping really well, whatever happens, you will come out of all this stronger. Let us know how you get on and keep checking the forum for chat too, theres a lot of people with good advice here.

Pangolin - do I just turn up at the gamanon meeting tomorrow...? Do I need to contact someone to tell them I'm coming? Does it matter that it's not the same one he goes to...? I'm feeling a bit anxious!!

Yes just turn up. I go to a different gam anon meeting to the venue mr P goes to, having a toddler and volcanic teens makes it awkward to both commit to being out on the same night.

Really dont worry, you wont have to speak unless you want to, you dont have to do anything, all you need to do is get to the venue and walk through the door, dont worry about the bigger picture, that fall falls into place automatically. When you're under as much pressure as you have been, it does all seem a bit daunting so dont think about anything other than travelling and walking through the door, thats all you need to do.

How did you get on?

I didn't go 🙁 I freaked out on the morning and couldn't do it, I now understand what he must have went through the first time he went to a meeting. I will get there, I'm just not ready yet.

He is good this week though. He opened up a lot about past gambling and was very open and honest with me about everything and the emotions he would go through. Parts were difficult for me to hear as it's almost like he led this double life while we were together that I had no idea about, it's hard to take. I'm glad he was honest and talked about it tho as shows he was comfortable enough with me to and the meetings seem to be having a really positive impact on him. V v long way to go yet I know. Does your life ever feel like it goes back to normal when his recovery is maintained and addiction managed? If u know what I mean. He still has no plans to move back in with me soon, as much as this still upsets me I think I have finally come round to acceptance of it. Although he does say 'when I'm back we should do this..' etc. Both agreed we need to find ourselves and our own happiness and then come back to our happiness together again... Does that make sense... I feel like not many understand this and why I am waiting for him. I'm doing lots of things for me in the meantime tho! Anyway - talking helps 🙂 thank you. xx

Hi SL90

I'm a CG in recovery.

In my experience, all CG's at some stage suffer from depression. Many have suicidal thoughts ( I don't mean to worry you, not many act on those thoughts). After all, we hate ourselves. We can't look at ourselves in the mirror without feeling revulsion. We are a slave to the addiction. Nothing else really matters because our whole world revolves around that next bet. The "buzz" we get from literally throwing our money down the drain.

I can't remember exactly how long it was before I realised that I actually "liked" myself again. I think it was around 18 months being gamble free. This period varies from person to person, however I am sure he has been told in his meetings that he will eventually come to like himself again.

I am guessing at the moment that he is feeling "unworthy" of you. This is also common. I would be inclined to give him room to sort himself out. Obviously the addiction has to be / and is being addressed. It's early days. He may be trying to get that under control before he tackles repairing any damage he has done to your relationship.

Finally, relationships are hard work, and a CG under pressure and with access to money will always find a way to release that pressure by gambling. Don't be under the misapprehension that he can't access money. A CG will always be able to get money no matter how well you think you have restricted his access.

I wish you both all the best in this journey.

Life does become normal, whatever normal is, in my experience most familes are coping with problems of one sort or another, working round a compulsive gambler is just what we do. I wont say back to normal though, because there was no going back to what we had before, we moved forward to something that is calmer, more organised, often boring, but includes, the odd weekend away, meals out, normal things, financially all the eggs are in a basket controlled by me, whereas 'normal' couples share the responsibility of money, but i dont think it makes us unbearably weird that we arrange our financess that way. What we had before was a rollercoaster of emotions and exitement, deceptions and devastation, crises and rescue missions. I will never live that life again, not for anyone. We did both have to calm down and that took longer than i expected.

I am optimistic for you because your partner seems to be committing to the GA programme, dont be scared of gam anon, you deserve to have some weight lifted from your shoulders and thats the first thing the meetings do for you, it all feels a bit easier.

Thank you wal1957 and I'm pleased you are doing so well with your recovery. He has talked about hating himself for what he's done and feeling disdain for himself. It breaks my heart knowing this though as I know and believe in what a wonderful man he is aside from the gambling, but I guess he needs to find that person for himself doesn't he? As painful as this is for me, I am so willing to wait for him to do that. Thanks for your words. And yours pangolin as always, you are very calming. S x

Just to let you know that yesterday he ended the relationship. He said has too much to battle in his head just now to focus on us as well. Says he still loves me. I am completely devastated and heartbroken having stood by him and waited for him for so long. We've been through so much together and I can't believe this addiction has broken us.

Hi SL90,

I've not gambled for 42 days. I consider myself a recovering CG. I'm determined never to go back to my old life. I feel sad reading your posts and it must be utterly devastating for you (and him).

I'm beginning to wonder if your boyfriend is naturally prone to depression. In other words has the gambling been used as an escape from an existing form of depression ? Only to increase the symptoms when he's losing heavily. If you are still able to communicate with him it may be worth directing him to his GP. The outcome may be either drug therapy and or counselling with a trained health professional.

You don't say if your boyfriend has already seen his GP or having any treatment for the depression and associated suicidal thoughts ?

It just seems to me that he's now nine weeks gambling free that he should be seeing things a little bit clearer now. It maybe this clarity that's made him end the relationship. You may have to face up to the fact you loved him more than he loved you ? I don't know. Only you maybe can answer that question. On the other hand, he may reconsider his position and rekindle the relationship after some time away again. You do say you missed each other like mad when you have been apart. He may find that to be the case again and may still love you deeply.

Whatever happens I hope the pair of you can achieve some kind of peace in what we all know can be a difficult world.

Take Care Now.