Depression & gambling...

MrStop said everything i was going to say.

I'm so sorry, a few tears here too for the pain we go through, will be thinking of you and still here if you want to talk.

Thank you MrStop. I did suggest he see the gp a couple of days ago due to depression, he was kind of open to it. I think you're right that it was there before and gambling gave him an escape from those feelings. He just never communicated these feelings to me, if he had we could have worked through it together. He's made a lot of mistakes in his life and knows this, I think this beats him up, however I know what an incredible, wonderful man he is and am so so sad that he has let that go. I will always believe in him even though he doesn't himself.

I know he loves me deeply, we always say we are soulmates, and that's what makes this even more difficult. It wasn't like we had big arguements or were hugely unhappy with each other because we weren't. He has said that he mustn't have been happy in our relationship if he gambled, however I don't believe that was because of our relationship, where as I think he's clutched on to thats why it was because he can't find anything else, that would explain depression.... We had our moments like all couples do but was nothing major. I feel likes he's making out we had bigger problems than we did to find something to blame the gambling on. I caught him and then it has just spiralled downwards from there. He has no idea what he wants. It's like he's completely lost but I couldn't have made it clearer how willing I was to help him through but he said he wanted to find his way on his own. Did you know why you gambled when you were doing it? What u were escaping from? Or did it take a while? How do you feel now about the effect your gambling had on those around you? I think he feels a lot of guilt for lying to me for so long and putting me through all of this. I hope we can find peace too, right now all I feel is huge amounts of pain. In my chest, in my tummy and in my heart, I just ache and am struggling to find a way through. I've lost the other half of me 🙁

Hi again SL90,

What comes across immediately from your response is that you know exactly how his mind has been working. I hope your boyfriend soon realises just what he would be losing by taking this route.

I can see Pangolin has mentioned Gam-anon and counselling for you. I know you are not ready as yet and feeling anxious. That's a normal reaction under the circumstances. You have given a lot emotionally to your boyfriend and now you need to look after yourself as well. YOU TOO ARE IMPORTANT.

Best Wishes.

How are things with you today?

Hi pangolin, I'm doing okay, keeps coming in waves.... Have dark moments and brighter moments. I have amazing friends and family pulling me through. I got to the gym yesterday so that helped and have kept myself busy today. I'm on sick leave at the moment as I had an operation two weeks ago... So on top of all this with him I have been dealing with my own stuff too. I think I'm stronger than I believe I am sometimes. I go back to work on Wednesday so looking forward to that to keep me busy. I have contacted a counsellor and have an appointment tomorrow night. I've had little contact with him but sent him the link to this post in terms of the depression aspect. Don't know if he read it or not. Just want him to get back to that man I know and love so dearly and whether apart or together I will always care for him deeply. Also sent him this quote which I'll post here too as may help others:

'Let someone love you just the way you are - as flawed as you might be, as unattractive as you sometimes feel, and as unaccomplished as you think you are. To believe you must hide the parts of you that are broken, out of fear that someone else is incapable of loving what is less than perfect, is to believe that sunlight is incapable of entering a broken window and illuminating a dark room"

Hope all okay with you. I regularly check on here and probably will continue to do so for the next wee while. It helps me. Take care xx

Please don't give up on him. I'm a compulsive gambler who has pushed everyone away and treat my family really badly. It seems selfish but give him the space he needs in the early days and support him as best u can in his recovery. I wish u both lots of luck x

The quote is lovely, the light shining through a broken window is always going to be prettier i think, some extra little shadows and sparkles.

Finding yourself somewhere calm to be, somewhere where you can relax and see whats happening with the rest of the world, somewhere where you have some perspective on the relationship, its a an excellent thing to be working towards and will make you a stronger person throughout your life, you're doing great.

Jw1976 thank you for your comment. I really don't know what else I can do now tho, I've given him all the support I can, constantly tell him how much I believe in him and love him unconditionally, I've stood by him two months whilst being taken on a crazy rollercoaster of emotions yet this still isn't enough for him.... He did this. He ended our relationship. I pleaded with him not to and that I believed we could get through it. I couldn't have fought for us any more than I did. I know he is hurting too and is in pain. That's why this doesn't feel right, he says he still loves me and I would shout from the rooftops right now how much I love him. I would have given him everything but he still made this choice to end it. I don't know if there's anything else I can do now. He thinks he can fight this addiction all on his own and is now blocking me out completely.

He will be trying to deal with it in his own way and trying to work out what his trigger is. He will realise how lucky he is that u are willing to stand by him. I wish my partner was so supportive but.maybe it's different bcos I'm female. He tells me everyday that I am a mess. That I'm no better than a smackhead (which I know is right) yet he won't leave me. He doesn't help me financially although I am grateful I don't have to worry about a roof over my head. He really is so lucky to have you and I pray that he beats this and realises wot he has got x

Hi SL90

"Did you know why you gambled when you were doing it? ....I gambled purely because I loved it. Nobody and no issue caused me to gamble. It was my choice entirely.

What u were escaping from?... For me, boredom, loneliness, and a feeling of not being worthy which I believe I have always had in the back of my mind.

How do you feel now about the effect your gambling had on those around you?"... I'm comfortable with myself now. My wrongs were committed about 6 years ago. You eventually come to like yourself again. That feeling of loathing everytime you look in the mirror eventually goes away. Like anyone who has wronged somebody, you have to be willing to forgive yourself, else it will eat away at you like a festering ulcer.

re your relationship. This is pure speculation on my part, but it could be that he is casting himself adrift to save you from himself. Alternatively I could be totally wrong. Either way, give him some time, he has a lot to sort out.

Best wishes

Hi I am gambler myself,. My heart aches for you reading what you've been through is the partner of a gambler. My heart especially connects to the part of your story where you love him so much. I am in a difficult relationship we have had our ups and downs, but even after a difficult Past year we just recently got engaged. It took counseling together for us to work through a recent issues to the point where we felt we could move forward. In your case my heart breaks for you and the fact that your options are limited with him right and that you really need his willingness to be in a relationship to make this work too. I would say for now just going from your post, you need to back off a little and let him miss you. You need to tell yourself that this is the true testing ground of whether not he loves you like you thought. Or like you thought. If you give him a little space to miss you it will be interesting to see what happens. I know it must be hard. My heart aches for you. Could you set yourself a goal of a week to not contact him at all. How often have you come bang contacting him now?. More often than once a week? If so I would give it a week or longer period of time then you left on. Give him some space, and you a chance to see if he will miss you and your support. It when you get the urge to talk to him you can tell yourself you're not saying that you can't talk to him, because we always want to do what we tell ourselves we can't do LOL, but tell yourself you're just delaying talking to him until the appointed time you have given yourself like one week. What do you think ?

Whatever the outcome is going to be, look after you now, make life nice for you and see wat happens. You have no control over others, take this time and make the best of it for yourself.

Struggling today.... Has been 8 days since we finished now. Thanks for your post Jenilee... Im happy that you're relationship seems to be back on track now. I hadn't contacted him since last Sunday until today when I messaged him. I guess I've kept myself busy all week and now it's Saturday I've been pining for him all day 🙁 just can't get him out of my head, it's still so surreal that we're not together, it doesn't feel right 🙁 I've kept myself busy all week and have been fine on the whole, even had a night out last night and actually felt like I enjoyed myself. I've felt a range of emotions from hurt to confused to even a wee bit of a relief at points. Finding waking up alone in the mornings the hardest, and coming home to an empty house all the time. Half expect him to just come through the door like usual but know that's not going to happen 🙁 Don't really know why I'm posting here just now, I'm just feeling really low and don't know what to do with myself. A Saturday night in alone... You have all been such a great support to me, thank you. Xx

Jenilee were you apart from your partner for any amount of time through this?? Have just read over some of the previous posts in this thread and Pangolin was wondering how long your husband had been attending GA before he started showing remorse and acknowledging the damage he had caused and tried to start making amends?? Thanks x

Ga had an immediate effect on mr P, and he has got better as the weeks have turned into months, they didnt rush him to make ammends, you have to really understand what you're making ammends for first, but the period of peace and nice days began on day one. It took me a few weeks to settle down with that and not be expecting the worst, so he got it in the neck a few times, but he took it well.

GA was better than counselling for him because he felt like part of a team at GA