Hi SL90
I'm a recovering CG.
I think that once you start going to GA for yourself, because you want to, is when the remorse starts to kick in. I went to my first GA meeting voluntarily, because it was either that or prison,insanity or death. It was literally my last hope, so I was remorseful right from the start. I wanted to stop gambling, I had had enough.
For those people who are given an ultimatum, ie "go to GA or leave", they will be able to 'talk the talk', but until they are going to GA for the right reasons, nothing much will really change.
It all boils down to this...He has to really want to stop gambling, AND he has to be willing to do something to help himself. There is no magic pill that fixes us.
You can only do so much. You are on the receiving end of a problem that is in no way your fault.
Best wishes
Hi all - me again... Just need some advice... So we've been split up just over two weeks now. Not really been in that much contact but yesterday we were texting just generally and he was saying how he had really struggled this week because of cheltnham being on.... He was quite open and honest about how he found it hard and I found myself giving him advice and offering support to him.... Now he's the one who chose to cut me off, he ended the relationship and that support from me that he could have had but rejected it when we were together. But I felt yesterday I couldn't just cut him off because I don't think he talks to anyone else about it outside his meetings and I would rather he spoke to me than to nobody..... Bottling it up is not good! A couple of friends have said I shouldn't be supporting him because he made the decision to end that... And he doesn't deserve it. But it's totally not me as a person to ignore him when he was reaching out a bit I guess... What do you think?
Hi SL90
He obviously feels comfortable talking with you. As in previous posts by myself and others, he has a lot of issues to work on. Time and a clear gamble-free mind will help him sort things out. Personally, if I was in his position I would have grabbed the support that you offered initially. We are all wired differently tho.
For me, I would have to ask myself if I could happily live with myself if I turned him away. Yes, he broke the relationship up, but in his mind for good reason. You obviously have strong feelings for him and I believe from one of your earlier posts that you believe he loves you. So, is their a realistic chance of the relationship resuming?
Personally, I would probably give him the chance, but it is your life. If he sees no prospect in the relationship reforming, then that would change my actions accordingly. Dealing with a CG's addiction is very draining for those concerned. Do you want to take this on if he sees no future in your relationship?
Best wishes
Talking about his feelings about gambling, this is a good sign, its some steps along the path to remorse, positive ones, he's facing up to it all.
It can still stop me in my tracks when mr P tells me of a gambling secret, generallly he has remembered something in the course of a GA meeting, he had hidden it from me at the time and now, quite out of the blur for me, he tells me something that he thinks clears some air and in the long run he is right, it's another deceit busted, but it canbe upsetting to hear it and make the mental connnections in my mind. I tend to think of myself as being foolish and that upsets me more than I have any anger with him for the lies of the past.
Talking can be demanding. For both of you. But also healing. Whether you resume the relationship or not, perhaps this tying up of loose ends is a good thing to do? From my experience it helps restore some peace, but it is exhausting.
I could wheel out a load of cliches about friends who wouldnt give him time of day, things about them not having walked in your shoes and so on, but the way I see it is just that as we get older the world is not the same black and white place it was when we were young. There are very few right or wrong answers, relationships especially seem to be increasingly grey areas.
The only person you have to live with forever is yourself, so follow your own judgement in the end.
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