Hi - I am very new to this and a bit daunted, but am desperate I guess for some advice on how to handle my soon to be ex husband through the stressful divorce process and in particualr the financial settlement.
I married him in 2013 after i gave birth to our daughter, i had not planned on getting pregnant and i think at the time i was in denial about what i really knew about my soon to be husband and of course felt trapped by this stage so just did not act on istinct and instead stuck with it for the sake of my unborm daughter.
During the happy "courting " days I was blissfully unaware of his dark past, and i feel totally dumb and naive that i dismissed some family comments re. being wrecless with money as just playful jokes, little did i know they knew far worse than that. I moved him into my house that I have owned for 9 years prior to even meeting him!!!! how stupid i was.
I am a financial accountant by trade and so you may think smart with money and quick to pick up on people who are not so smart, but no, i fell hook line and sinker for his tales of a woeful previous marriage whenre his wife was the gambler and spent all their money so they nealry lost the house etc etc. and how his ex's dad hated him for no reason.. Of course there was a reason and thats becuase he basically stole 40k off him by remortgaing a house they had been gifted at marriage and blowing it on gambling and extravagant spending......he up and left her and his child leaving daddy to bail out unpaid mortgage. I even suggested he cease paying the ortgage when we first met as he made it sound that his ex had totally fleeced him dry.
needless to say i was at this stage blinded by love and excused his lack of savings and any kind of financial security, no credit rating etc as the fault of his ex and so i wanted to help, be his saviour, and he was only too happy for me to bail him out. in return he was the perfect man, took my own son under his wing, was ste dad of the year and showered me with flowers, compliments etc etc
to cut a long story short, when i found i was pregnant we hastily got engaged, he left the army out of the blue (spontaneous, non though out decison making also his style) and somewhere around this time he confessed to having racked up many 1000's debts
i was shocked. his family not so and then it all came out......all the stories and all the past dramas. I was in so deep i could not escape.
fast forward 4 years, and many periods of calm and happiness (no gambking and visits to ga) i felt maybe we could get through it, but no the bad times were always there, the lies, deceiving and general nasty behaviour of turning full blown attack in me when ever i found out. I tried to control his finances and then was just accused of being a control freak and tryiing to run his life, and that then made him gambke so it was my fault. He took out loans from work, he spent the lids savings, christmas gift money etc. I think I suffered in limbo and silence for a long time as not sure where thise years went, but i was ashamed and embarrassed to talk about it.
Finally after more gambling shocks and his other inability to control alcohol consupton, leading to violent behaviour in from of the children, we both agreed to end it and he moved out. I again buried head in sand and avoided even thinking about divorce process. But he has been making all kinds of threats saying he wants half the house, savings etc etc. I now filed for divorce but he is already seeing some one else and expects me to pay him 40k as he worked out this is what he contributed through earnings over past 4 years. I have our child living in my house as well as my older son. I am totally at a loss as to how he can even have the nerve to claim such an amount after i have saved saved saved for my kids future and he has soent everything either on gambling or wreckless spending in things he does not need. When i have challenged him he says legally he could get half my house so he will go after that through the courts if i dont agree to pay him. I am nt sure I could go through a lengthy court case. it would be so stressful.
does anyone know if this would be considered during a divorce, that one partner is a comulsive gambler and it would be unfair for him to make such a claim? i am so worred i could end up selling a house i worked so hard to oay for many years before he came into my life. i have no idea how much he has spent on gambling over the years, but surely he cant claim my savings as half his when he has none left ??? i am being punished for saving my money and he has been free to gambe all his....im setting him up in a new flat by giving him 40k and he would never have been able to save that himself! i just dont know what to do, he doesnt think there is anything wrong with what he is asking..........thanks for listening
Hi ME2017, welcome to the forum! I’m so sorry to hear of your predicament & sadly have no words of wisdom but I couldn’t let this one pass without judgement...What a selfish pig! That’s very big of him to have contributed 40k over the course of your relationship & I hope with a good solicitor they will be able to explain that living expenses are much more like gambling than a savings plan & tell him where to shove his demands. I’m not entirely sure how he’s planning to fund a court battle so hopefully this is just a continuation of the domestic violence that you have suffered @ his hands & a bit of sound legal advice will pop him back in his box.
What I will say is, you need to find support for you because regardless of how he behaves & love him or hate him, he’s the father of your child so ending the relationship will have taken it’s toll in itself & I can’t begin to imagine how much you are hurting right now.
Completely not what you asked for so may as well answer the one bit I can...He’s Mr Perfect in his eyes. Addiction allows us to kid ourselves of our own self importance & so in the words of Harry Enfield (without the swearing) he says what he likes & he likes what he says! He doesn’t care about anyone right now, except him & feeding his addiction so he will be able to justify in his mind everything he thinks he is owed. He needs help but as you have discovered you can’t save him...You are saving you & your children though & for that you should be very proud.
It’s not my thing but here’s a cyber hug just for you (((ME2017)))...Hope it helps - ODAAT
thankyou ODATT - you made me cry but in a good way.
I have been reading many posts here and really wish i had signed up earlier, maybe it would have prevented many sleepless nights wresting with my thoughts and feeling like maybe its just me, maybe i did make his life difficult and so he escaped through gambling. I did seek some councelling when he left in Feb this year as i scared myself by feeling so distraught and carried all the guilt for disrupting my kids lives. He on the other hand seems like he has not a care in the world for how i feel and was treated by him. He uses social media and mutual friends to report how amazing his life appears to be, how he has a new partner. He still claims he is financially disadvantaged by me as i will not pay him any money until it is formally gone through court process, he will stupidly put an offer on a house before anything had been initiated for divorce and is now hounding me to pay him earlier so he doesnt lose it, these conversations are typical of ones i had when he needed money fast through gambling stress, desperation! i know it will be made out to be my fault, and again i will be judged by his family and friends as being the nasty person, he looks like the victim and he loves all the attnetion and sympathy that brings. He always puts this clever spin on conversations with his family to make it look like i am still the problem, that i am a crazy ex wife out to seek vengance, im really not but i will fight for what i believe in because i have two gorgeous kids future to look out for and thats all that matters to me. thankyou again 🙂
Hi ME2017! I'm sending you strength to get through this. This is my gut reaction, get a good lawyer. I know someone who did this. Who cares what anyone thinks about you, they aren't wearing your shoes. Cyber bullying is a crime. That's my instant reaction. Get ahead of him, get a good lawyer that will know about the money. Don't give him anything without advice. If he's threatening you call the police. You know you are right look what he did to his first wife. While you continue to pay he'll keep demanding. Family mediation is another route. A friend still lived with her husband whilst enduring divorce, they had mediation via 3 way phone conversation in the same house! He will have to pay maintenance for his son. If you can show he doesn't pay for anything now you can get that included in settlement. I would only have contact via solicitor. He's still trying to manipulate you and get away with it. I can't imagine the mental torture you are going through. Keep fighting for what's right and for the children. If you haven't already maybe call gamcare and see what they offer in advice and counselling.
Hi Merry go round - thankyou for the advice. I read some of your earlier posts and saw that you too maybe have suffered with an inconsiderate family (in laws) who are in denial and failing to see just how much pain is caused by their sons gambling - they have protected their own interests by signing over the mums house to his 2 sisters so he gets nothing, but stop short of feeling any sympathy towards my predicament and just think I am being a pain in the backside for not appearing to allow the divorce to progress smoothly and hassle free! He still manages to trick them and pull the wool over their eyes and they seem to believe he has changed, is making an effort etc etc. I know a very different man who still spend spend spends even when not gambling, turms up to collect his child sprayed in designer clothes, and yet claims poverty due to me not paying him out of the marriage! In a year of separation he has saved not one penny, I am certain he has been gambling, (I see the subtle signs and behaviours) but his family dont seem to be on his case, they have access to his bank account to view it, but I seriously doubt they know what to look for, he is very clever and sly at how he gets hold of his money and probably already has other accounts in his name by now they dont know about! I just still cannot believe that a man wants to force his ex wife who has supported and bailed him out many times to sell a house he has barely made any contribution too, even those his child is living here (autistic child too, so change for her is massive). I am just devastated my life has come to this, I thought i was strong and sensible, I feel am foolish and stupid! thanks again for taking the time to reply......
Hi ME2017, you're definitely not stupid. Cgs are masters of deception , lying is second nature. Just deal with the now. Today. Move forward, get advice. This is not your fault. Looking at someone's bank account is only what they want you to see. Having control and credit reports is something different. If they haven't learnt by now they never will. But as you say signing over the house is a sign they do know and have protected his sisters. Try not to think about them. Use your energy to getting control back.
Dear ME2017
I really feel for you and your family for the ordeal you’ve been through. On a positive note, at least you are not facing the dilemma many partners do on these forums - whether to stay or leave.
You are obviously a very organised person with finances and now you can start to rebuild after the last few years.
Divorce settlements can be complicated especially if both parties do not agree. In law the starting point is a 50/50 split but this is without taking into account the full circumstances such as where children reside, earnings and potential earnings of each partner as well as how much each of you contributed and how much this was shared. You need to get sound legal advice this will cost but is worth the investment. Some solicitors let you have a consultation for one hour but it would appear that you need something more substantial. I would advise you making a written statement of your finances and also tell the story of your relationship what you have been through and what has been wasted. Also include any potential assets your husband has like an armed forces pension.
I am sure you will get through this but please get some legal advice and move forward.
Take care
Hi thought I’d post as I’m going through challenges with the financial settlements of my divorce with my husband. However I’m in the position where I moved out and so all my money is in the house he is staying in. My solicitor and I are trying to get a settlement of even a fair 50% but we have two options for this, he buys me out or we sell. But just getting a fair settlement has been a challenge, and a year since leaving him we still haven’t reached a settlement. (He wants to buy me out by can’t prove how he’s going to do it, I left him when he took out a 26,000 loan and gambled it so it concerns me how he’s going to prove it, but he won’t accept any offers on the house either. And trying to guilt trip me whenever we have any direct contact. I’vd ended up literally only talking to solicitors about it now)
I recommend getting a good solicitor who can help you reach a settlement that’s fair on you, because you shouldn’t lose out because of what he has done.
Hey
Know this is an old post - but your situation seems identical to mine! except no kids thank god!
You had a short marriage (under 5 yrs living together Im assuming) - his claim would be in general be limited to 50% of the uplift of the marital home whilst he was living there - plus any capital additions he made(improvements etc) - but thats only the starting point - needs of the child is upmost importance! I'm sure you would have many arguments to sway the court to give him nothing - his needs come second - and if he is cohabitating with the new woman or has set himself up (im assuming he couldnt get a mortgage) then his needs are surely met?
Hope it all works out!
Im sure its not been easy
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