Do I leave him?

If he feeling no remorse then you have your answer. I lost everything through gambling it wasn’t the money that split us up. It was the lies and deceit the trust had gone. The day I walked out to gambling she said if you go it’s over I still went because I thought I could talk her round. From that day it was over and she did the right thing thinking about herself and my daughter. I have no doubt your boyfriend loves you but how much more can you take. I get the impression he doesn’t want to stop gambling and I can understand that. He wants the best of both worlds you and gambling. Good luck you need it if he continues to gamble 

Yes you leave him. 

He’s had ample opportunity to sort himself out. Life needs two people rowing in the same direction. What happens when you get a mortgage (if he can), what happens when you can’t feed or clothe you’re children, when you are receiving bailliff letters or you can’t afford holidays or life’s enjoyment. You sound sensible so walk while you can. Find someone you can trust and that will benefit not hinder the journey you will share. Kind Regards. 

Steve

Personally, I don’t believe it’s as cut and dry as ‘leave him’. You’ve been together for 6 years and are engaged to be married. That has to count for something. Your partner isn’t the first gambler to have relapsed and he certainly won’t be the last. Every single one of us on here has had a relapse at some point in our recovery. It’s how he reacts to this latest incident.

What is needed is a good, honest, calm heart to heart with him to talk about why he gambles and what the lure is for him. From what you say he’s tried hard to stop gambling in the past. You say he once went 500 days gamble free? You need to find out his future intentions with regards his gambling.

Does he really want to try and quit gambling for good? Or have his periods of abstinance in the past been to appease you?... If so, that doesn’t bode well, as the moment you two have an argument or fall out, he may go looking to gamble as an excuse...

Does he want to try and reduce his gambling to make it a more affordable hobby? (Which is what I suspect he may say).

Or worst of all, does he want to continue to gamble as he is, in what appears to be a destructive manner?

Only you can gauge how that chat with him unfolds. First and foremost, you have to protect yourself though. If you can see somebody who wants to help himself and is remorseful of his actions, then you may have something to work with. However, if you can sense a tough life ahead with somebody who you can’t always fully trust, then I think you know what you need to do.

Trust is the key to a long and happy relationship. If the trust is no longer there, there’s not much else to fight for.

He doesn't want to stop. Telling you he can control it (he can't and won't. None of them can for any length of time) and telling you it's his money anyway are both ways of getting you to back off and leave him to it in peace.

The pity parties he's indulged in previously are a smokescreen.They tell us what we want to hear and of course we want to believe them but that way lies further manipulation and deceit.  If he wanted to stop there are things he can do whch would have a near immediate effect in limiting his access to cash and gambling.

You can't fix him. You can't save him. You can't support him until he wants help which might be tomorrow, might be never. 

Life with an active gambler is h ell. You're not too committed yet but it will be a whole lot harder to extricate yourself when you are. At best and if he ever does really want to stop you will have to be on top of everything financial permanently. What will you do five years down the line if he's spent the rent and bill money and there are a couple of children in the mix? Think hard about what you want, need and deserve and how you want life to be.

Hi gg.

You now need to learn about the power of a gambling addiction. To put it simply it is a drug addiction and you need to start thinking of it in those terms.

Gambling has never been a harmless activity or a bit of fun in my view. Its a highly dangerous and irresponsible thing to do with money. Compulsive gamblers are addicted to the chemical  fix of playing.

You need to protect yourself and then you could possibly help him  from a position of knowledge and strength. Im not saying he is a bad person but he sounds like an addict in the grip of a full blown addiction.

Gaps in the gambling are not a sign of control. Abstention and full blocks is the only way. A strict allowance and access to his credit reports is needed. If he is ready he will thank you for this then feel a pride and serenity that he is starting to recover.

If he is not ready it will be a battle of lies and addiction. It can be beaten so I dont want to worry you to much. However it can possibly trigger again and you can both never be complacent about it. You have to treat it like substance abuse because its far deeper than being silly with and greedy for money

Ive been a gambler and I would not want to live with an active gambler. There is no shame in telling him that gambling is not acceptable to you. just as there is no shame in admitting he is a gambling addict.

You know your relationship. I feel you could help him but you need your eyes wide open and the implication must be that you will walk if it carries on.

Best wishes from everyone on the forum

Hi gambling girlfriend. I was exactly like you, knew he had a bet, occasions of being out of control. Gambling is an escape which for some becomes addiction. It's the place they go to , to escape, relieve stress, etc. The problem is they can't stop. It's progressive, mood gets worse and debt gets bigger. He's changed from bookies roulette to online. Online can get out of control in a very short space of time. Instant access to instant loans. You can go back to controlling finances, get credit checks etc. You can get some help and support from a gamanon meeting. You can set some boundaries. In my opinion it's a mental health issue. He's escaping for a reason. The longer it goes on the more damage it does, not just financially. His argument of 'it's his money' is not plausible if you are going to marry, buy a house etc. He can find a GA meeting, sign up to gamstop, download software to gadgets, hand over finances. But you also have to remember if a gambler wants/chooses to gamble they will, regardless of what we do or say. He needs to actively seek help and show you that he's willing to stop. In the meantime you have to protect yourself. Don't give him money, don't pay his share, don't carry on regardless. There needs to be a consequence. I married my gambler, his father bailed him out before our wedding. When things got worse he went to GA handed over finances. He stopped a year, then went back to it secretly. I didn't know about credit reports 16 years ago. I went to gamanon and learnt that I couldn't stop him. Taking the finances saved the house but the damage to his mental health was severe. He thought he could control it, would win, maybe none of those things. He gambled so he didn't have to face reality, because he chose to and because it was his habit. This has nothing to do with you or how much he loves you. He's not taking his addiction seriously. This is forever, money is what fuels the addiction. Encourage him to seek help, but first look after yourself and your finances. Get help and support from wherever you can.

Thank you everyone for your replies. We have spent the best part of 2 days talking things over. I have told him I will support him through it but I feel deep down I will be on my guard. My barrier is up simply to protect myself if/when he relapses again. He has taken steps to prevent a relapse - he was already self excluded from shops and online, he has since excluded from the 2 sites which let him create an account. He has already had counselling before and has even used hypnotherapy and feels he already has the tools to self-help for now. I’ve taken control of his savings to protect himself and my finances were already protected anyway, from before.

i really hope I can come back on here in weeks to come and tell you that he hasn’t done it again and we are back on track. Because I can’t comprehend the other outcome right now. 

Hi

I’ve been married for 20 years to a person who has gambled intermittently throughout that time. We have 3 children. We have moved house over 10 times mainly because we started to not be able to pay the mortgage. I put that down to multiple reasons because I believed what he said was true (stupidly didn’t have a clue about the late night gambling on TV - he denied it all) We went bankrupt completely 10 years ago and went into an IVA. My elderly parents had to help us out (I had to phone them for money because we didn’t have enough for school trips/food). Took me a long time to work out that he was gambling our money away in the background he was such a good liar. When I did work it out we agreed that we should have a joint account (wow I really was trusting and stupid before) and be really honest about money. On our last move we had to rent because no-one would give us a mortgage and I had to move my parents to our new location because they were ill.

With my mum’s help we bought our present house and my mum died shortly after leaving me her inheritance. Two years on he has spent £20,000 of that money on gambling. So, another emotional scene him saying please don’t leave me I love you etc.....What can I do - we have two kids at college the bills are huge. So anyway he was as usual in a little world of his own last night. I went on the credit card site and saw two other cards mentioned - money out - I imagine to pay minimum payments on them. There is no end to his betrayal.

Basically in reply to ‘do I leave him’ what I would say to you very strongly is please don’t stay with this guy. He may be lovely etc. but he is a liar and liars don’t change. I have 3 lovely kids (although middle one knows about dad now and hates him) please give yourself a better chance of happiness. This type of person will take you to hell, say he’s sorry and do it all aver again. Don’t fall for the tears, the regrets blah etc you will hear its all b******t. He will shaft you. Leave and move on. You still have time.

Wow what a powerful story. I’m sorry to hear about your husband and the pain he has caused you. At risk of sounding naive, I do think that my partner has a chance of changing. I will sound too trusting but he has always gambled within his means. For example, he always pays bills/rent etc first and then gambles with whatever money he has left. He hasn’t ever borrowed money or gambled with money that isn’t his. I feel this is a good base on which he can recover from. I also think he managed nearly 2 years without a bet, giving me hope he can do it again, but longer. 

I haven’t given him an ultimatum as advice on here has told me not to, but he knows that if he breaks the trust again, I will leave. I feel I owe it to our relationship to give it one more chance. I just hope I’m doing the right thing. 

Does he intend to go to GA meetings, gg? He will get support and advice there from people who 'get it' in a way we never can and it means you don't need to be overwhelmed with what can be a daunting and lonely task.

On another note there's a saying in GA : 'I haven't done that...yet'. It refers to the progressive nature of an unaddressed addiction.  Do you have access to his finances and credit reports? It's extremely common for a gambler to leave a loophole in the shape of undisclosed credit cards and secret bank accounts and it's the only way to be sure whether he has indeed run up any borrowing to fund himself.

I have access to all his bank accounts but how do I know if he has a secret account with another bank? 

As for GA meetings, he’s attended some before and it didn’t work for him for whatever reason. He preferred 1-1 counselling but has exhausted all the free session he can get, so I’m not sure where to from there. He’s insistent that he already has the tools for self-help

Credit reports (all three agencies. Try Noddle, Clearscore and Experian via MSE's Credit Club as they are free and cover all the agencies) will tell you if there are any hidden horrors from official finance sources.

GA will work if he's willing to put the effort in but thinking he's special or different or not as bad as those there is a common avoidance tactic. Mr L's group has members who have decades worth of gf time but still attend. He gets his support and understanding from the group. I save my energy for me and the things I need to do.

We have recently moved and there aren’t any GA meetings in the city (york). He’s researching other services he can access but any suggestions are welcome 

I don't want to say leave him, because I know how hard it is. I was supposed to get engaged with my ex now. He had gambled throughout our entire relationship and I had always forgave him. I mean how can you not? that's the man you love? 

Mine also changed for a bit. That period was when I had my happiest memories, I wish it always been like that. And then suddenly he started again, I never understood why.. he had everything. I forgave him, and he did it again but he didn't beg me for forgiveness or cry this time either. He said he had it under control, he didn't need to attend counselling because he knew what he was doing. And I said okay. 

I found out he was gambling every day and lying about his wages yesterday. I knew he was lying but I asked him and I begged him to tell me the truth.. to show his money that he claimed he was saving, or I would leave him. First he was angry, then he just become cold. He admitted what he'd been doing and he let me walk away. 

He said he wasn't letting me walk, he was going to come back and show me after this next wage that he's got it under control. I know that's not going to happen. And what kills me the most is before he would at least cry and see his mistake, but now it's different. 

Leave him. It'll kill you. And you'll want to forgive him, and help him, but unless he wants to quit he won't. And you can't force someone to want. I know you'll most likely ignore the post, I mean I would and I have before. Because no matter what he does a bigger part of you will always love him and want to give him one more chance. But maybe the chances need to stop before you've lost yourself.