does it get easier

Truth is K1704 no one can answer that question but all I will say is it depends less on his behaviour and more on what is your bottom line of tolerance.

Only you can draw a line as to what is enough.

They will do their own sweet thing regardless and that's the truth, the choice is always yours at the end of the day.

James P an ex gambler will be along to advise you soon and i'm sure as he knows more to answer your questions.

Rachel xx

Somedays are better than others. But you can never forget. The moment you start thinking he's "better" is when it will all come crashing down again. I made that mistake. Always keep in the back of your mind. It will be hard for him, because he will expect you to trust him again but he is an addict. The hardest thing with a gambler and what I have a hard time with is its not a tangible thing. It's not drugs, it's not a bottle of booze what is it that they can't give it up and stop. I will never understand. But you have to decide if this is how you want to live the rest of our life. This is going to be a daily struggle for him in turn making it a daily struggle for you.

Thanks for the replies, this is such a hard thing to understand. He has admitted he has a problem and is attending counselling and as far as he is concerned he is never going to gamble again because he doesn't feel he could recover again. I really want to believe him and some days I do think it will all be fine, but I am scared of what will happen if I fully let him back into my life again.

I struggle with the fact it is not a physical addiction like alcohol but I guess an addiction is an addiction.

Is it possible for a compulsive gambler to ever completely stop?

Hi K1704, welcome to the Forum,

I was a compulsive gambler for twenty years, until I stopped almost six years ago.

It is possible, and I have seen many people stop long-term, making my recovery pale into insignificance.

You have every right to be concerned, but you have established a level of openness and honesty between you, and there is every chance that will continue. What I would recommend is asking him to phone you if he ever feels tempted, or is about to do something stupid - explain that you believe him when he says that he has no feelings about gambling anymore, but if he did, then ask him to make sure that he phones you straight away, no matter how upset he is.

I understand about how he feels about not being able to recover again. I stopped for six months, shortly before I stopped for six years; the emotional torment, and deep physical pain was almost too much for me to take; I don't just fear relapse because of losing money, I fear experiencing that again and, like him, I am not sure I could handle it myself.

I admire him. He has done more and said more than most compulsive gamblers ever would - in my opinion, I think he has a strong chance of maintaining his progress, as long as he keeps talking and sharing.

I completely understand and respect your feeling with regards to it not being a physical addiction; it relates more to emotional vulnerability - if a compusive gambler wins, it gives them an enormous amount of euphoria - if you bought a scratchcard and won £500, you would be over the moon; compulsive gamblers want that all the time, they crave that sensation more than they money and it haunts their every waking thought. If a compulsive gamblers loses, then they face soul-wrenching desperation to regain what they have lost, which leads to spending money they don't have. Other people can walk away, it just doesn't affect them in the same way - after winning that £500, your thoughts would turn towards what you could buy, which a compulsive gambler would do as well for a short period of time, but then they think about winning more; they crave the feeling itself - whatever they win doesn't really exist, all it serves is to fuel their cravings.

I would take it slowly my friend, and ensure just how much it means to you to keep that openness between you. You are right in your opinion as a nurse - these feelings can recur, and he will likely have urges for a time which is fine as long as he continues to work his way through them; after a time, they lessen considerably, and have appeared to already in his case.

You have every right to feel the way you do my friend, and public sympathy for gambling continues to be at a very low level - most of that is because it involves money, and lack of money affects everyone. A lady on here made a very good point that her daughter had anorexia, and would probably have been locked up 40 years ago; now, it is everywhere and eating-related illnesses have every sympathy. I was the same - I remember seeing a documentary when I was 10/11, about a Father who lost his home and children through gambling; I remember thinking how incredibly selfish he was, but now I know differently.

This Forum is always here for you my friend, as much or as little as you need it. If you feel worried or have concerns, then you will always receive constructive support and advice.

JamesP

Hi James

It's a few weeks since I posted on here and I had come to rock bottom around the time I did. I was really struggling with the whole family / lack of money thing. It's really hard when I have always strived for and had financial security which was taken away in the blink of an eye and I am now really worried about my finances and being able to provide for our small daughter who we both adore.

I have decided I need counselling and am not sure what the future holds for us. Unfortunately I have continued to get empty promises from him with regards to money and I now don't believe a word he says, but I know this is all to do with what he would like to provide. I have explained to him that this will not re build my trust and would respect him more if i saw actions rather than empty promises. We are right back at trying to be friends stage. To my mind friends don't do what he has done, let alone husbands, but I do know that he still loves me and that was never in question

I have felt under a lot of pressure from him for a decision about our future, and at the moment I think I am more scared of a future tied to gambling / poor budget managing than being a single mum. I do still love him though, so it's a really confusing time and I also feel our daughter deserves to have her dad in her life as he idolises her and it would break him not to see her. We are both struggling a lot with this, I think it's the total and utter shock that has made it so hard. His mum was the enabler throughout all of this whereas I had no clue whatsoever. I know for sure I would have walked away without blinking had I not got a permanent tie to him.

sadly I do still resent him for what he has done hugely and I know this is detrimental to his recovery, but then he knew what our situation was long before i did. I hate the fact he has taken control of my life with this, as all of his decisions have such a huge impact on me as well, not just him. I tried to explain that it is like suffering a loss (he lost his dad almost 2 years ago). He is not the man i know or married and I see him as being like a wolf in sheeps clothing at the moment. I am worried about how I would know if he was lying in the future when I didn't in the past and he still looks the same as he did then. I now suspect him of gambling when it never entered my head before. It would not be fair to rekindle our marriage with these feelings so I am hoping counselling helps me to move on with this.

Another huge obstacle is that he has gambled and had debt since reahcing adulthood....I have never had any and don't understand debt. I was working out earlier that until I met him I had never had to take money from my parents - I have now to buy a house and my dad loaned us money for a car which I was intending to pay back. Obviously something I can't do now.

I want to believe he will prove me wrong and also prove himself because at the moment he has a long way to go. there is also the friends of mine and my own brother who will now not give him the time of day which he will struggle with as they are a big part of my life. I tried to tell him that people don;t like being lied to in the same way I don't

we need to maintain some sort of friendship at the very least for the sake of our precious girl. It is still hugely early days for us, and I don't know what the future holds, but am hoping counselling both as individuals and as a couple may help clarify the situation for me

Sadly I thought I had met someone I could completely trust, so to have that destroyed is a huge shock. to me it just proves that there is only one person you can rely on in life, and that's yourself.....eventually everyone else let's you down. I know I will recover this time, it's what would happen if he did it again I am worried about.

let's hope he follows your example

Hi k1704, I'm new to this today and iv just read your last post and this is me!! Except my partner refuses to believe he has a problem. Your post has me in tears because this is just how I feel. I can't see where to begin or what to do. My life is upside down and it's not me that can put it right! I hope your ok and I hope you have had some kind of answers.x

Hi Flossy, how's it going? Well here i am after counselling with gamcare which was great. we are still working things through and my husband has come along way in realising what he has done and for what it's worth I do think he wants to change for the future. I did find out on sunday that his mum was completely complicit in it all and offering me tea and sympathy while lying to my face (knowing about his pay day loans for months and also telling me to be more sympathetic which was a bit of a kick in the teeth but hey ho.

i feel a lot stronger now and have told him I need time to decide on our future as he broke my heart and destroyed my world. the anger has subsided a bit, and been replaced by sadness and I went to bed in tears last night. One day something clicked inside me and I decided I needed to stop moping around and pick myself up. He'll never beat me and neither will the gambling. I have faced a lot of tough times in my life unlike him who had his silver spoon and kept eating from it. I am too strong for that, and he is the one who might lose out as I am struggling to move on at the moment even without him gambling I hate lies and liars you see. I think being strong willed and stubborn is a good thing sometimes. My baby girl keep sme strong through all of this. In the midst of it all I am changing jobs this week and saying goodbye to a lot of my colleagues who have supported me. How's it going with you?