Hello,
My partner is an addict and it all came to a head about a month ago when I caught him trying to take his life after gambling all our savings and rent money.
Since then, I've done my best - sending him to councelling (which he says he thinks will help), taken control of the finances ect.
However, he's growing so emotionally distant and I'm finding it really difficult. When I get upset about it he says it's easier to push me away than face what he's done. When he's upset, he wants to be on his own, when I'm upset I need him and need a cuddle, but obviously neither of those things work for both of us when we're both upset at the same time.
He says him being distant has no reflection on how much he loves me but I'm finding it really hard. This is a tough time for me too and I need to feel like he's there - but if he's avoiding me all the time he isn't there.
I don't really know what to do to stop him from pushing me away all the time and for me to feel secure.
Hi, Becky,
You had a lot of responses on your first thread in the new members section, perhaps a reread?
re the emotional distance, this goes with gambling and it isn't surprising. However, if you're not happy and he's not meeting your needs, then it becomes a question of what you expect from him, whether you're getting it and what you're prepared to put up with. You matter, don't fall into the trap of thinking that it's all about him, that you have to do things his way, or worse, that you and you alone have to fix him. He has to fix him. Make it clear what you need and set boundaries about what is and isn't acceptable, no need to allow yourself to be short changed. You'll get no prizes.
The problem took a long time to brew and it will take a long time and hard work to get better. I didn't see instant improvement, either.
As Dan has pointed out elsewhere, the problems aren't limited to the gambling. Take away the gambling and the underlying problems remain.
I personally don't think counselling alone is enough, the Twelve Steps provide the best way, long term, to clear up the emotional mess.
What real life support do you have? It's vital. You have a serious problem in that you are in a relationship with a CG and you need help and support to cope with that problem.
Keep the focus on you.
CW
Thank you CW. What is Twelve Steps?
He works late a lot and I work early so we're a lot like passing trains in the night. But I've written my thoughts and feelings down - like a letter, that I'd like him to read. I feel like if I laid it all to him verbally he would get angry or upset and we'd both say things we don't mean.
Do you think this would help?
From a gambler's perspective (one who still thinks I have it easier than most), if I was a cow before recovery, now I'm an angry bull! I'm working on me, no excuses & if my husband ever wants to talk about the gambling, he gets to, but the anger & frustration & miserable stuff hasn't disappeared. A letter is a good idea, like us spitting stuff out on our diaries but it won't fix him, you can't fix him & it may be a very long time before he supports you the way you want him to. I'm sure I've mentioned it on one of your other threads but getting yourself to a support group like GamAnon or some counselling through the website is just as important a step as helping him because if you don't, you become ill & weak from the effort. I'll let someone with some GA experience answer the 12 step question!
Security will be something you guys need to work hard @ if you're ever going to feel it again. We do unspeakable damage to our loved ones & repairing it can't be done overnight. You have to look after you - ODAAT
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