Enough is enough

Hi, You're doing the best you can for your girls & you're protecting them from more hurt in the long run. I admire you for making the decision & I'm sure you're doing the right thing for your girls , yourself & probably your husband as well. Maybe this will be the reality check he needs & if not then at least you'll be able to start rebukiding your life knowing you've done everything you can to give your girls a secure future. Good luck x

Oh, Katie, I'm sorry to hear it. Has he stolen from you again?

I've questioned a lot whether I'm setting the right example to the kids of what marriage should be by staying. The only way I can justify it is that for the time being he has stopped, handed over the finances and is sticking with GA. Even then it's v hard, I can't forgive him yet and I can't even think of it as an illness, it just seems personal and I can't sympathise with his obvious suffering at all, I can barely deal with mine. No easy answers.

You're doing your girls no favours by tolerating the addiction and the behaviour that goes with it. If he's actively gambling then to split is the least bad alternative. The gambling will break everybody's heart but it's not your fault, he just hasn't brought himself to stop and you can't do it for him. If you stay and let him carry on stealing from you, the girls might look back on it and accuse you of letting them down by putting up with it. Or if he goes on to steal from them? Or from his employers? With an active CG, the boundaries between right and wrong get fudged and that's no good. You're just doing what has to be done and that's always hard.

Get as much help and support as you can and look after yourself.

CW

Thank you ladies

he managed to hack into my pay pal account, didn't take much but it's not the point. I didn't even think about that as a possible avenue. Another password changed.

I still can't quite believe this is happening- a 20 year marriage soon to be over. Lied to for 14 of those years.

I have to keep reminding myself that I've given him 8 months to try to stop. I would have lived with it had he got help. I have tried every thing I could but I can't live like this forever. He's stolen so much from me- and I don't mean money, I mean my happiness, security etc. I need to ensure I have some kind of future. I need to make sure my girls home is secure. I'm so scared- feel like I've got a mountain to climb- so much to sort out and deal with.

I hope it is the reality check he needs. Thanks again and I hope you are both okay.

Hi Katiecola

I know you have put up with a lot with your CG.

As hard as you try, or as much as you may wish for it, your CG hasn't got the message yet and doesn't want to stop. Don't doubt yourself in this regard... you have done all that you could possibly have done.

Take care

Hi Katie Cola, I echo Wal1957's post, you have given this your all. It's time for you to prioritise yourself and your children, your happiness and future must come first xxx

Katie, you're protecting yourself and your girls, you can't stay with him like this.

My experience - all three weeks of it - is that staying after all that's gone on isn't easy, either, we've also had about three quarters of our marriage with him living the lie. And whilst he says that he's never lied to me about anything not related to gambling, I don't find that very comforting.

Once they gamble, nothing's easy but one way or another we will get through it and come out the other side. We're all strong remember, we need to be.

Take care,

CW

Thanks everyone for your kind words. I do know that it has to be done and I'll get through it all somehow. How ironic that the date for the long awaited appointment has arrived today-not till august though. Maybe some time on his own will make him grab it with both hands. Thanks again.

Hi Katiecola

I can't really add anything that hasn't already been said, but wanted to say that I echo everyone's comments. I think you come to a point where you realise enough is enough, and you've clearly reached it. I am sure you have tried all you possibly could. I actually wrote a list of everything I tried so I can read it when I have those thoughts of "could I have done more?" You may want to try it too.

Be strong. You are doing the right thing, no matter how hard it feels.

Take care. Big hug x

Thank you orchid. I will make that list. I sometimes read through my own posts on here to remind myself and reread advise. How are things progressing for you? I hope you're okay.

I was brought up to accept behaviour that other people would think unnaceptable, my mother tolerated hvaing an addict for a husband and so we tolerated it too. If I had had my head screwed on I would have confronted my husbands behaviour sooner, but I put up with too much for too long because it was too normal for me. It takes alot to look at yourself and say that change is needed, its too easy to blame everything on the gamblers awful behaviour and lose sight of ourselves. You're not breaking your girls hearts, your showing them strength, your showing them how to say no, how to behave when enough is enough, you're showing them not only what you want from a marriage, but what you want them to want from a marriage and none of what you want is unreasonable. You're not breaking their hearts, you're teaching them an invaluable life lesson about realtionships and i believe 100% that they and you will thank you for it in the future.

Keep reading, keep talking....

Hi, Katiecola,

I divorced by childrens father ( for other reasons ) and if your girls see you are happy and normal they will be fine, actually having to do this does help you feel stronger as well, you only have when they go to bed to feel yuk. Keep yourself busy and enjoy the girls, do some baking, play board games let them invite there friends round (sorry don't know there ages) anything they enjoy, you will actually enjoy this as well. I really don't believe that staying together for the sake of the children is the best thing for the children.

I do hope you find happiness and feel relief from all this. Take care of yourself first and foremost, the rest will take care of itself x

My trouble is that I know he has made a mess of everything but I don't think he deserves to be left with the life he'll end up with. Yes he has made mistakes but he is so low in himself. He has accepted his fate and doesn't care. I haven't been the perfect wife either. I feel like I have to take some responsibility. But at the same time I can't allow things to continue. It's all just so confusing and my head is going round and round. His family have been useless. I'm gonna worry about him all the time. I can't keep an eye on him when he's not here and no one else will. I know he needs this- his safety net removed-but it scares me stupid because I do still love him and just want him to get better. It's either gonna go 1 way or the other...

Hi Katiecola

Whichever way it does go, always remember that it his choice. I am a recovering CG as u know, so I do know it is hard to quit. But if u really want it, you can do it. It is entirely up to him. It can be very sobering to be on the precipice of losing everything that you had. Who knows... maybe this will be the nudge that he needs to finally quit. Hoping it is.

Take care

No, i know what you mean, it is very hard to see someone you love destroy themselves, watching someone reach rock bottom must be so emotional, of course it is a horrible thing and you sound such a lovely caring lady. Maybe time on his own is what he needs, he is probably riddled with guilt.

Take one day at a time, see how things go. You need to get your life back as well.Take care and keep talking x