existing not living

Hi Louisa,

Have you confronted him about his behaviour? If so, what was his reaction? It sounds like he's heading down a self-destructive path which is only going to end badly. He may not even know how badly his behaviour is affecting you and the kids.

If he has stolen money at all in the past to gamble then I'm sorry but he definately is a problem gambler. As with any addiction the first step is admitting the problem exists and it sounds like he is in denial. The blunt truth of it is there may not be a lot you can do for him in his current state.

Take care

Hi Louisa,

Your husband needs to want to stop 100% or it will nor work. I am 56 days bet free and feel better each day. I have had a life coach work for me and I also attend GA meetings every Friday which I have to tell you have been brilliant. My wife also comes with me as there is a family room. If your husband is fully committed to stopping gambling he can succeed. I thought I was committed but I was not and had a relapse, the feeling of guilt after this I do not want to feel ever again! As a compulsive gambler we are compulsive liars and I hate all those lies I told my wife and family. It is an illness we have and can be arrested. I wish you and your family well for the future.

Alot of those points your husband has done so did I. I take one day at a time now and as time goes by we re programme are brain and how we think. There is lots of help and advise on here. I do hope things get better for you.

Hi Louise, welcome to the Forum and well done for finding the courage to speak about your concerns on this Forum.

I was a compulsive gambler for twenty years before stopping over five years ago, so my opinion and advice comes from that perspective.

My heart goes out to you for what you are experiencing; compuslive gambling is a form of mental illness but your husband does have a responsibility to admit that he has a problem and seek help.

I have walked many miles in his shoes. Gambling made me depressed, anxious, deceitful, tempramental, obsessive, haunted by constant worry and withdrawn. Since stopping, I am none of those things now and couldn't imagine being that way again.

At the moment, he clearly has other compulsive behaviorial issues, and an all-encompassing need to drag himself down further and further; you feel you have plumbed the depths of your soul and personality so you become emotionally numb to the constant pain and depression, so you pull yourself in further without caring about the consequences.

I have been a part of this Forum for seven years - he has taken these feeling and emotions far more than most my friend. There is no doubt in my mind that he is clinically depressed and clearly has other mental health issues as I have said.

The main problem you have is that you don't know whether all of the issues you have listed are all related to gambling, or whether gambling triggers off compulsive behaviour; has he always been like this since you met him, or has it been a long period of deteriation?

I'm sure he does care about you and your girls; this was the life he chose, but he has reached a point where his behaviour is effecting everything and everyone; this is something that just cannot continue in any form - he has a responsibility to face up to his issues and be the best husband and father he could be.

I lost 350,000, two homes, two partners, all my material possessions (several times over) and much more. I left myself in a postion where I was hungry and homeless, scouring the streets for coppers to buy some out of date bread rolls to last me through the day. Me, like your husband, never knew that our first bet (mine was on 2p machines for 1 pound jackpots when I was nine) would lead to something that would blight our lives, but we both had/have a responsibility to admit it, accept it and do something about it. The problem is that he, and I, left it far too late.

Today, without gambling, I am a totally different person; I couldn't imagine being dishonest of disceitful in any way in a million years. I am calm, relaxed, a good friend, a good son; I realized there were gaps in my life that needed to be filled once I stopped, so now I do charity work, write, sing, go hiking and so much more.

There is no question that your husband will change for the better if he stops gambling, zero tolerance. It really depends how much, and whether he will still act and do the things you have listed; it appears that there are many aspects of his life that he has to change; he wanted children, he chose to have them and, from the moment they were born, his life, needs and wants become secondary; he deserves a life, he deserves to have space and friends like you do, but not when it compromises his life, and your relationship.

Staying with him is unfortunately a gamble in itself - I hope and pray that it does "flip a switch" as it did to me, and hundreds of others here. He could still be an awful husband - neither of us will know for sure until this happens. What I would say is don't be afraid to take some hard, fast decisions - your children come before anything; if you need to take yourself, and them, out of the equation for the time being, do so; your husband may not like it now, but he may be eternally grateful in the years to come that you did so; he certainly should be if he wants the best for them.

Louisa my friend, please don't think I am making excuses for him; i'm not, he should've got help much earlier, as should I. I feel for you enormously; I am sure you are a wonderful mother and a wonderful wife - please keep posting, there are some good people here who can offer you support and advice from every angle; that can be like gold dust at times.

JamesP