Feel lost and helpless

You are obviously an incredible woman...I absolutely love your version of a millionaire 🙂

Animals are very intuitive...Fickle maybe, especially cats, but sounds like your kitten felt your need tonight & answered you 🙂

You are a strong woman, don't make any rash decisions & only make ones that feel right to you...We will be here, supporting you all the way!

My mind cannot understand why I gambled for so long so it's little wonder that you are struggling to get your head round it! Mostly we, when active, think gambling is all about money but truth is when you peel away the layers in recovery it's largely a mask for other failings & insecurities...As a partner, I imagine the money is less painful to acknowledge than the lies that you have been forced to live! My personal opinion is that an ultimatum won't work...If he can be bothered, he will pay you lip service but carry on regardless. Getting tough may make him open his eyes to what he could lose & hopefully then he will man up! I don't work your hours but I understand the pressures of shift work & have had periods of 40 hours overtime on top of a weeks work in the past so having a tidy home & food on the table can mean a lot but he is an adult & unless this is something you have agreed on together, he should be pulling his weight financially & not depending on you!

I applaud your outlook on life, keep making yourself proud & I don't know much about Greek philosophy but I do understand what you wrote, I just don't think we need to measure happiness by a lifetime, just keep seizing the day - ODAAT

Hi MC

​I also love your version of a millionaire, a much more spiritual view of life than the pursuit of personal wealth.

I can only speak from my personal experience about ultimatums & what I would say is I was forced through the doors of GA. I would estimate 90% of the people who stay in the room's and long term free from gambling have also been told get help or get out. You see no-one wants to go to GA. To an addict it's the scariest thing in the world . It means you may have to stop doing the only thing in your life you falsely believe is in your control. When in the depths of my addiction it was the only thing that made me feel safe. Through my addicted addled mind it was my only hope of finding happiness. Addiction consumed me, it promises riches & contentment beyond your wildest dreams, it made me unable to make a single rational decision about what was best for me regarding the management of my disease. So back to ultimatums. I was forced through GAs doors 8.5 years ago. I havnt had a bet in any shape or form since. I initially hated GA, looked for reasons why it wouldn't work. Thought I would stay for 6 weeks or so & get the wife off my back, then carry on my gambling when the heat had died down.

But there is something magical in those rooms , I began to see there was another way. So I would say it doesn't matter how people get there whether it be of their own volition or they are dragged kicking & screaming through the door, just get them there & give everyone involved directly or even on the fringes of the car crash that is the addicts life, hope that things can be different.

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Thank you once again for your replies! Especially hearing from people who were once on the other side.. Really helpful.. Giving me so much insight about this situation.

Over the weekend, i had a period of crying and just beeing broken deeply - i just told him what ive done to you to deserve this really. I said im not your enemy, did you forget im your wife! For Gods sake! at that moment i was really really broken, as if someone put a sharp knife into my chest - i couldnt speak just prayed to God. I felt complete desperation in my life where i thought nothing could help me at this point. At that moment he went out for 5 mins and came back & apologized for being a d******d. He said he is living his dream, sometimes we forget to appreciate what we already have. He said he knows gambling is a place he hides away, he has many issues deep inside. I said come and lets get some help. He said lets do that. But on the other hand i just feel the evil is in our house, i dont know what to do, it just feels he can start acting anytime. When he was saying all he wants to do in life is to play poker he was like deluded, really taught thats not him and evil is inside of him. Was so scary seeing the man i love completely different man.

Also i found in the history of my computer him searching, "i dont know what i want to do in life', "whats the purpose of life"... As if he is trying to find the answers and all of a sudden whilst his mind was wandering found himself back in the casino which gave him the most joy and adrenalin one could want in life but its only a temporary feeling which eases quickly. When we were having a discussion about material things to achieve in life, i said this world is just pushing you towards buying, spending, consuming just for those things that could only give you temporary pleasures. The real pleasures in life is to love someone, to help someone, to be able to build a relationship/family/chilldren, or simply to leave something behind that once you have gone from this world others also could benefit. or follow your path. Or even giving hope to 1 person is really enough in this life. He was really in that conversation i felt it.

I feel everyone has dark and light inside. There is a story about a man who has two dogs and he does dog figthing. Someone asks him, which dog will win, white or the black one. And he says whichever i feed more. So its the same in our lives i guess. Which one we are feeding? Greed, ego, temporal pleasures? or love, compassion, hope... Sometimes the dark side weighs more. I dont know i can see the angel inside of my husband as well as the evil. He told me over the weekend, you are the only person who sees the angel within me. I told him i always saw that, and i fall in love with that man.

Im in tears at the moment. I just feel like you are my family here.

Decided to go on holiday together which we havent done for a while, might be better to see things like that. I am praying to God to show us the right path.

Love xx

MC

ODAAT wrote:

You are obviously an incredible woman...I absolutely love your version of a millionaire 🙂

Animals are very intuitive...Fickle maybe, especially cats, but sounds like your kitten felt your need tonight & answered you 🙂

You are a strong woman, don't make any rash decisions & only make ones that feel right to you...We will be here, supporting you all the way!

My mind cannot understand why I gambled for so long so it's little wonder that you are struggling to get your head round it! Mostly we, when active, think gambling is all about money but truth is when you peel away the layers in recovery it's largely a mask for other failings & insecurities...As a partner, I imagine the money is less painful to acknowledge than the lies that you have been forced to live! My personal opinion is that an ultimatum won't work...If he can be bothered, he will pay you lip service but carry on regardless. Getting tough may make him open his eyes to what he could lose & hopefully then he will man up! I don't work your hours but I understand the pressures of shift work & have had periods of 40 hours overtime on top of a weeks work in the past so having a tidy home & food on the table can mean a lot but he is an adult & unless this is something you have agreed on together, he should be pulling his weight financially & not depending on you!

I applaud your outlook on life, keep making yourself proud & I don't know much about Greek philosophy but I do understand what you wrote, I just don't think we need to measure happiness by a lifetime, just keep seizing the day - ODAAT

Realised didnt reply to this comment much. Well we didnt really agreed on anything but it just happen to be like that. As i work long hours, mostly studying etc. As he is a good cook, enjoys house work more than i do, it just happen to be this way. But obviously never thought he is going to be completely depend on me.. Ofcourse he does alot, deals with the garden, cooking cleaning etc. I always felt he is the one making our house HOME. I maybe made myself believe in that i dont know. I always felt you know in life there are ups and downs and antthing could happen, everything could change anytime. Thinking maybe in few years time ill decide not to work this active and decide to stay home, maybe do some calligraphy hehe (much more joy) or just be a full time mom to my kids (im really interested in home schooling my kids) so thought at that point he somehow needs to put his hands under the stone. Never have a fixed idea for men to bring money to the family but i guess this has more of an effect on men, he possibly was having some inferiority even if i wasnt telling him off not bringing anything financially to the family. Some analysis going on here. hehe

Thanks ODAAT - I really relate on whatever you say. Thanks for being here.

day@atime wrote:

Hi MC

​I also love your version of a millionaire, a much more spiritual view of life than the pursuit of personal wealth.

I can only speak from my personal experience about ultimatums & what I would say is I was forced through the doors of GA. I would estimate 90% of the people who stay in the room's and long term free from gambling have also been told get help or get out. You see no-one wants to go to GA. To an addict it's the scariest thing in the world . It means you may have to stop doing the only thing in your life you falsely believe is in your control. When in the depths of my addiction it was the only thing that made me feel safe. Through my addicted addled mind it was my only hope of finding happiness. Addiction consumed me, it promises riches & contentment beyond your wildest dreams, it made me unable to make a single rational decision about what was best for me regarding the management of my disease. So back to ultimatums. I was forced through GAs doors 8.5 years ago. I havnt had a bet in any shape or form since. I initially hated GA, looked for reasons why it wouldn't work. Thought I would stay for 6 weeks or so & get the wife off my back, then carry on my gambling when the heat had died down.

But there is something magical in those rooms , I began to see there was another way. So I would say it doesn't matter how people get there whether it be of their own volition or they are dragged kicking & screaming through the door, just get them there & give everyone involved directly or even on the fringes of the car crash that is the addicts life, hope that things can be different.

Day@atime, thanks for this personal yet really genuine comment. Im so glad for you, your saved life and your family about this. I really feel there is a different athmosphere in those rooms, reading few comments in the forum in other sections. Some really touched me. I guess ill see whether i could try to convince my husband to go to a meeting nearby. Ill try to hold his hand and maybe leave him on the door, as our parents did when we first started the school. At this moment, he does not see himself as other addicts 🙂 thats what he said. He thinks his situation is different. I agree, everyone has a different story behind but on the other hand the end outcome is the same really. isnt it.

Lots of prayers of strength & patience i need. Pls. xx

Also wanted to share one more wisdom here i found recently & shared with my husband (not sure whether it will touch him):

Everything in your life is a reflection of a choice you have made. If you want a different result, make a different choice...

Love xx