Feel numb

I want to say something that will take away your pain but I can't 🙁

So, even though it's not really my thing...((Phoenix))

My heart breaks for you. He is an addict and that bar just keeps getting lower and lower. I heard someone say "Who knew rock-bottom had a basement". So true:(

Perhaps with the GF calling the police the walls are starting to close in on him...one less person to be manipulated by his lies. Maybe this will be his rock bottom? Regardless it is good that you are deciding and setting your boundaries. As awful as it is it will be the best thing for all of you.

As for the GF's parents... whatever!! You just keep reminding yourself that NONE of this is your fault. They are angry that their daughter is in this position.They are learning that just as you can't control the thoughts and actions of your son neither can they those of their daughter.

I wish I could come pick you up for a coffee and give you an ear to vent and a shoulder to cry on... will have to make do with the forum. Keep writing and try to get some rest.

Cathyxx

Hi

Thank you 🙂

I cant bare to look at him, feel physically sick even thinking about him.

He started with the be nice to mum, I knew what was coming next, wanted his phone, said no n as usual he was rotten when he couldnt get what he wanted. I used to think his girlfriend was his achiles heel, shes not its his phone.

I wish he would go away and leave us alone.

X

Hi

Back again, sorry

Our nearest GA is a long drive away, through rush hour traffic and will end up being a very late night. Theres no way my son can get there on his own, so my husband would be taking him, there isnt anyone else. My husband works unsociable hours so by the time he would get back he would only get a few hours sleep before having to go to work.

The point Im trying to get at is it worth all the time, effort and tiredness for us to be taking him if he doesnt want to be there, he'd only be going because we've forced him in to it. Up until last night Ive thought what ever it takes, if we have to take him every week indefinetly as long as he's getting the help he needs its ok, now I dont know and more importantly dont even know if I can be bothered.

Im wondering if we should just call it a day again and tell him to leave- again, but I know he has nowhere to go, no money and would be living rough, he has before and hes ran out his welcome with friends and family. I also worry that he'll hurt himself, he's threatened it several times and when we made him leave the last time I was that convinced he would by what he said he was going to do to himself we had to get the police out searching for him. They did find him and kept him for a few hours but released him into a friends care, who no longer wants anything to do with him.

If he had somewhere to go I wouldnt be giving this a second thought he'd be out the door, I dont want to live with him , it was a huge mistake letting him come home. He still has a full time job so is capable of paying rent but of course he'd rather spend his money gambling.

X

Hi Phoenix,
What about counselling?
I would love to find a suitable GA to go to again but due to my work its almost impossible. I have been going to counselling since Feb though and don't intend stopping any time soon. I only got the first 12 free, through Gamcare, and although I have to pay now they told me I could pay whatever I could afford to continue.
Its also one on one so your son might be more likely to open up......more so than in a group.

Damian

Hi Damo

He tried counselling briefly last year and is refusing to go back, he doesnt want to stop gambling he hasnt really admitted to having a problem. Im very pleased to hear counselling is working for you, its obvious you want recovery but my son doesn't .

X

Here is my 2 cents... let him be. You are putting more time and energy into this than he is. My point being he is a smart guy and if he wants to get well he will move heaven and earth to do so. It is not your husbands job to drive him to GA or yours to get him to counselling. He needs to hit a point where seeking help is his only option to turning his life around. Currently he is an active compulsive gambler and seeking recovery is not on his radar. All the "help" in the world will fall on deaf ears.

Echo Kathy...As gut wrenching as this is, the only recovery you can control is your own. How you do that when he is dragging you down like this I have no idea because I get, he is your baby, just don't give up fighting for you!

iHi Pheonix

By letting the cg stay with us we are not actually letting them hit rock bottom. Because rock bottom has no roof over its head and no food in its stomach. But as a mother we simply find It hard to be that tough. Sometimes we have to be cruel to be kind. Do not for one minute feel it's your fault for anything he does. As mums we are all in the same boat and at some point you will say enough is enough.

I went to GA with my son many years ago and then I was still going and he stopped. He was not ready then and it took a long time till he admitted defeat. But even now my heart sinks when I think he could start it all again and I always over analyse things he says and does. He lied and hid things for so many years it takes a long time to wipe that out. But he finds it even harder to forgive himself. It's a difficult journey for both you and your son and nothing can ease your pain. Stay strong and for a while think of you and what you need it's not just all about him.

I feel you pain. Bee Jay

Hi Phoenix what a nightmare for you. Looks like your son is unable to stop at the moment. You have some hard decisions to make again. Thinking of you, wcid

Hi

Amom you're absolutely right, my husband wont be taking him anywhere, waste of time and effort. I think we were trying to make him see the gravity of what he's done, and maybe being with other recovering cg's would make it hit home, of course it doesnt work that way.

It turns out it was almost £2000 he stole, this time, but has stolen from his girlfriend and us many times before, but this time she snapped. She absolutely did the right thing, but this time to make matters worse he stole her tuition fees, poor girl. Its in the hands of the police now and so I guess we just have to wait and see what happens next. He knows hes in a lot of trouble but again nothing we said to him so much as got a flicker of recognition, just blank stares. How the hell I keep my composure and dont scream or shake him is beyond me.

This is going to have far reaching effects, not just for him now and long term, his brothers career will be affected (cant have a close family member with a criminal record) so we have to wait and see what happens there. I still dont understand how any of it happened , he was brought up in a happy well adjusted family, so how come he thought stealing was ok on top of all the other rotten things he's done.

Bee Jay, I understand what you're saying and its a real dilema for us we've kicked him out several times, the last time we didnt see him for 6 months. Hes slept rough, gone hungry , several times the last time however he found a place to stay after a couple of months but it was a filthy awful place to live. The first few times we kicked him out I gave in too upsetting seeing the state of him, plus by that point he says hes ready to get help and I think he means it, however it doesnt last and its back to square one. This last time was for different reasons it was about helping him back into education, he couldnt do it where he was and he had to do everything we said before he got so much as a foot in the door. It didnt turn out the way we expected he couldnt go back to uni, he was still full of plans but instead has slipped back wards.

So now we're at the point again where just dont know what to do for the best, my first thought kick him and out and let him fend for himself. He is however going to face criminal charges and so he dam well should, but we can only deal with so much at a time, it feels like we lurch from one drama to the next and we just need to catch our breath first before we make anymore decisions. Im not really sure of anything any more, but I do know if this isnt his rock bottom and he doesnt choose recovery then he we will walk away for good, I cant spend the rest of my life like this, if he wants to continue gambling there he'll have to do it with out us.

For now I just need to catch my breath

X

How are you?

Hi

Thank you Cynical Wife

To be very honest Im really struggling, feel overwhelmed by it all.

Im so tired of it all being about him, having to think before I speak to him, worrying have we locked everything away we should of , and many more things. We're trying our best to be patient and understanding, for what, its all just a joke.

When he was caught he was very upset telling us he was 1000% ready to do everything it takes to recover, and asked if the next day we could sit together while he started self exclusion. Yesterday morning he did come and ask if we could sit together to go on the internet, me all geared up to go through the long list of sites to exclude himself from and what he did instead was go to a job site, apparently he wants a new job before he does anything else.

Ive learned to stay calm in the most trying of circumstances with him but yesterday I absolutely lost it , I dont care if its the wrong thing to do, I dont care about being patient, Im way way past that . So to sum it up hes done zero about stopping gambling, he has no way of gambling either funds or access but thats not recovery, first chance he gets he'll do it again.

Ive held so much back trying to put all the rotten things hes done behind us and move on but Im done with that he got reminded of every nasty thing hes said and done . I asked was he sorry for any of it, yes he said hes sorry hes hurt his girlfriend, and I asked about us, never said a word, what about the impact it might have on his brothers career and again not a word. He went on to try and tell me I was exagerating some of the things hes done, I had to leave the room . He should be begging forgiveness but no still as arrogant and selfish as ever.

I do love him how can I not hes my son, but I also hate him, cant stand the sight of him and cant bare to be anywhere near him. How the hell did we get to the point where I can say that about my child.

So far we've not heard anything from the police, all we know is the card company are pressing charges and evidence is being collected but how long the process takes I dont know.

X

How are you doing?