Hi all,
I have never actually started my own post about my situation. As much as I've thought about it, there's just so much to say I don't know where to start.
I guess in an unfortunate way so many who read this will know exactly what I've been through/am going through and will be able to fill in the blanks.
So a few months back I told my partner that I could no longer live like we had been and be with him because I can't trust him and I can't see a future with him after everything that's gone on... Something I should've done a long time ago, but that's besides the point.
We had been living with parents for years, which was fine and should've put us in a great position financially, but his gambling addiction over the years has just been relentless and anytime he would seem to get it together, it would just go back to square one again. Many times I bailed him out, now realising this wasn't the right thing, but I guess we all think we are doing the right thing at the time.
It has been 3-4 months since he moved out and is now working long hours in a crappy job and living in a room. We have been in touch along the way as obviously I still love and care for him, I just can't live with the gambling.
The stress and worry really took its toll on my mental health over the years, which I realise now that I'm not living with it. I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders and for that reason I felt like I can never go back there.
Of course I heard so many times how he would change and he did try counselling and banned himself from shops, but I was always behind him pushing him along. But something seems different this time - like he's***t a real low, living like he is and realising he's lost me, as he has told me that he's been sitting counselling and been open with friends about his addiction which he had never done before. It seems like he really wants to get a hold of things and take steps without me having to be the one pushing him along.
I'm just so confused... I can't live my life how I was and I'm so afraid of going back to that. In fact I can't see things ever being different after all the lies etc in the past. But I also feel that things seem different because of what's happened and I don't know whether I want to let my guard down and give things another go. I'm finding it difficult to see past my mistrust, but I guess at the same time us being apart has been a big step and deal for both of us - in the sense that both he and I realise that I won't live like that l anymore.
I guess I'm just interested to hear others' experiences who have been in similar situations. I'm feeling very down, especially with the time of year of course, so any words of support and advice are gratefully received.
Hi Shel1990. I'm sort of in the same position as you, I left my husband although it was only 3 weeks ago and like you I have heard the sorry's and that's it never again so many times and it's all i'm hearing at the moment.
Also like you and your partner we have remained amicable and my OH seems to be doing well and I feel like i'm at a real crossroads. It's very difficult to say goodbye forever but at the same time can I really put everything on the line again in the hope that this is it?
I am living with family at the moment and especially due to the time of year it is tough but I am determined not to make any decisions about my long term futute until I feel 100% about MY choice. My advice would be to let him keep doing what he's doing, be supportive but from a distance and keep looking after yourself. Make plans with family and friends and keep yourself busy and perhaps taking the time for you will give you the clarify you need. That's what i'm hoping! X
Sounds like you want to believe him, and the chances are good that you actually leaving (how many times did you threaten to before going? Be honest) might have spurred him to have a moment of clarity and weigh up *gambling existance* v's *Real life*!
However, never forget that most gamblers are professional liars - anything to get what they need/want.
I hope it all works out, keep in touch and keep on top of his recovery progress. If it comes to the crunch, ask to talk to his councillor before jumping back in with both feet.
Kev. A compulsive gambler.
Thank you so much for your comments. It definitely helps to get those words of support and advice.
I think you're right Kevz123, me ending things does seem to have given him a real wake up... But I wonder how long that will last. Naturally i am finding it hard to see past the past.
Horizon82, I think that's the best thing and I've trying to do that, it's just hard isn't it! But I keep thinking if in doubt do nothing. I guess the time of year just makes it more difficult and hit home more.
Hi shel it's so difficult as to what to say to you as it's my son who is the CG not my husband so relationship wise it's different for me. After being on the forum for the last twelve months I have read many stories from both sides. It is an evil addiction and very hard to stop it does bring grief and heartache for family and friends. On the positive side there are plenty of stories where the GG has worked hard at stopping gambling and have built their relationships back up again. I suppose it depends on wether the CG wants to stop that much that they put all the effort they can in to showing families and friends this is what they want. I can fully understand if it continues time and time again for years on end that it is no way to live. I hope your partner tries his best to get the help he needs. Take care - wcid
Hi,
Facing up to an addiction and living a new life in recovery is a long term project, best measured in years. The GA literature talks about bringing about a change in personality, achieved via the Twelve Steps. Gambling is not even mentioned other than in Step One.
I would suggest that you make any choices about your relationship on that basis.
BW,
CW
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